So I'm 21 and male and I've been taking my time to fully figure out my sexuality. I've never really worried about what gender I fall for but I currently feel like coming out and I believe I'm bisexual but feel I need to be 100% sure as I don't want to come out and then backtrack what I said and replace that label with something else (I hate labels, but I feel I need to have one in order to connect with my family and friends about my sexuality as it has been taking a bit of an emotional toll on me recently). Basically, growing up through my teens, people in my class were clearly starting to discover their sexuality, but I never felt I was getting the same feelings as everyone else. I felt like through puberty I had to get sexually attracted like a maniac with boners popping up at every girl I saw, but I never really got that. I figured I could be gay, except none of that was happening towards guys either. I didn't really worry about it since there was no point to worry over something that wasn't there. I did get crushes on girls in my class throughout my teens, some where small flights of fancy while others bigger, where I wanted to go out with the girl and spend time though I was always underconfident. Friendwise I was fine, I'd have best girl friends, and best guy friends, and it had alternated that way ever since I was a little kid. I'm not saying I never got boners, I just felt I never got them the 'proper' way, to the point where for a while I felt I was asexual (and practically that's what everyone called me). I did turn to porn and initially focused on heterosexual porn. Later on, I realised I preferred porn where both the man and woman where attractive, and this led me to checking out gay porn with which I was perfectly fine and I'd alternate between the two, though since then I do have a preference for the gay porn (not gigantic, but it's there). I did have situations where it felt my girl crushes would go somewhere but it never worked out mostly due to timing (as they occured at summer camps and I wound up letting sparks fly towards the end of our time together), but I never really had time at school and never fully focused on relationships. I figured I'll have the time when I leave school. I've now been out of high school for a while and my first year out I didn't really find anyone. There was one girl but she was already in a relationship so I let that go. The following year I got big crushes on 3 girls. One was once again in a relationship, one got with another guy over the course of the year, while the 3rd one I saw only from time to time. These weren't simultaneous but more like followed one after the other over the course of the year. I felt both emotionally attracted to them, enjoyed spending time, but also wanted to get intimate sexually, and I did have dreams about them and fantasized. But at the same time I also had minor crushes on 2 guys on the course. I couldn't see myself in relationships with either of them, it was more on a physical level, but it left me confused and unsure of pursuing anything. Now I'm on a new course so everyone from the above paragraph has moved on. And I've gotten to know people from the new course. And there's only one person that I feel a possibility of a relationship with and it's a guy and it feels mutual. I want to pursue it but since it'll be a same gender relationship, and due to pretty much lack of anonymity thanks to facebook, I want to come out to my mother and sister (kinda not sure if I wanna tell my dad yet) and my friends, instead of them getting news of this through some randomer. The part that confuses me is that now that I have a crush on this guy, it's really all that's on my mind relationship wise. For some reason I feel like I'm betraying my belief in my bisexuality because I believe I've temporarily dropped my interest in girls, and am in a way worried that if I come out as bi it will never come back and then I'll have to be like "Hey, I guess, not". I can see myself in relationships with both a guy and a girl, and also sexually enjoying both. And I'd be perfectly fine if all I ever had were girlfriends, or if all I'd ever had were boyfriends but I feel a weird obligation to justify both sides of my bisexuality. To be honest, writing this all out I feel pretty confident in my bisexuality (with a bit of graysexuality mixed in? Or just a low libido - which has also always worried me about whether I am in fact just gay, even though the low libido thing happens with both genders), just need a bit of a confidence boost, as I feel that coming out may heavily impact family dynamics. I think my family is pretty tolerant, but having been brought up Catholic, I'm a bit worried about what people like my grandparents and aunts and uncles will think, as I don't want to impact family events like Christmas etc. as we always all get together. I'm basically here for some advice, comments and support, as I have basically come out to two friends I lived with in the past year, though I felt I was met with a reaction of "Well, we'll give you time to fully decide on whether you're straight, gay or just plain asexual but wanna seem sexual" which didn't exactly fill me with confidence especially since they had become two of my closest friends. Another close friend of mine once commented on a friend of hers I don't know who said he was bisexual and was with a guy but according to her "Once you go gay, you're gay" so I've never felt like I've had friends I could confide in before my family. So here I am, internet. Hope this wasn't too long, and I'll appreciate any comments.
First off, Welcome to EC! I think is easy to say that you are at least bi if nothing else. Like you discovered, though, is that most bisexuals aren't 50/50 when it comes to preference. Most people tend to prefer one gender or the other. It doesn't mean that they are less of a bisexuals, but it means that its more complex than most people understand. As far as you feeling like you are betraying your bisexuality, there really isn't a reason why you should feel that way. Most bisexuals will settle down with one gender or another and it doesn't mean that they are now gay or straight. It just means that they found someone who they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with. But they will always be bisexual Now for coming out, many people feel like they must know for sure what they are or are not before they come out. Like its some sort of life-long commitment that they must have. But in actually coming out is simply being honest with the people around you. That means if you aren't completely sure, then go ahead and tell them that. Tell them that you are bi, but maybe in the future that might or might not change. I know, it doesn't make it any easier, but it is an option that you can take. If people say "oh, well it just means you are gay" then honestly, just let it go and let them believe whatever makes them feel better. The most important thing is for you to know who you are and that's that
Hello there, I can see that you are really kind of lost. You are always trying to justify yourself in every line you wrote I used to be asking myself all that questions at a certain point of my life. First and foremost, you must ask yourself if your are attracted to a girl or a boy physically only. What I try to mean is that you could be physically attracted to a girl but without any romance at all and same for a boy. You should be able to see the type of attraction you have towards a particular gender and in the same way feel that you could love that person. I can be attracted to a girl and have sex with her but it would be merely sex whereas for a boy I would rather search for more than sex. I would like to romance and live with him, you see. It depends on your feelings. Hope this will help you buddy. Good luck and remember you're not alone :icon_wink
Hey, thanks for the replies - they've helped and have been doing some thinking since I wrote this and have come to the conclusion that yup I'm bi, and have been getting comfortable with it, and slowly more confident. Have progressed quite a bit from when I wrote that and don't feel as confused anymore, and I view it less as a problem and more as just a part of me. Now I just feel I need to find the right time to tell members of my family/close friends, and keep moving forward.
I totally agree!! :eusa_clap Bisexuality is often about being attracted to both Masculinity and Femininity. Some bisexuals like both of those traits to be separate - i.e. they fancy macho, masculine men and pretty, feminine women. Many people, though, are the opposite - they fancy pretty, feminine men and butch, masculine women (I'm like this myself). Each person that I fancy needs to have a certain blend of both masculine and feminine traits! :icon_wink I don't fancy most hetro men because they are too macho and masculine for me! Some lesbians can make themselves look too masculine as well, so I don't fancy them, but I fancy men who have some softer traits (i.e. longer hair, smoother skin, small cute features) and women who are pretty but have some more butch traits too. I don't fancy hetro women as they are usually TOO pretty, but bisexual women usually have a good blend of traits. If you are like me, then that's why you probably have a low libido (so do I!) Because people like that don't cross your path every day! When I'm with a group of straight people, I don't really fancy anyone - but put me in a room with a group of bisexual people, and I love it!! :eusa_danc
Go you! Self-acceptance is the hardest step. After that its all about logistics of who to tell, when and what to do after wards. It looks like you are in the right path, though.
Bisexuality has so many variations, and ways to approach it...and people can go from being sure they're bi to being sure they're gay/straight and back in their lives. If you need to be 100% sure before you make a statement, you might consider simply coming out as "queer"...that's the lovely thing about the word...it's non-specific. And you'd be 100% sure you were being truthful. When people noticed you with both men and women, they could draw their own conclusions about which exact brand of queerness. Just a thought.
