Hi everyone, This is my first post. I apologize if this is message is boring or off-putting. I never spoke of this to anyone, but I think I found a good place to start. So here goes... I am 27 years old, almost 28, still a virgin, and am very confused on whether I'm straight, gay, bi, or even asexual. When I was a young teenager I was attracted to women and watched/read plenty of straight porn. Unfortunately, I was unpopular, overweight, and often bullied throughout high school, so I was never able to get a girlfriend. Later on, I started finding an attraction to gay porn. But the only porn I enjoyed watching was masculine/butch men pleasuring themselves. Gay couples making out and having sex was a real turn off. At time I thought I was going through a strange phase, and it would go away eventually. It didn't. In college my friend tried to set me up with one of her friends who really liked me. I decided to give it a go. Needless to say, it went horrible. I really enjoyed being with her, but making out with her and any other physical encounter didn't feel right at all. So our relationship never got serious. After being together for about a year, she got fed up, and we ended up breaking things off. I spent the rest of college hanging out with my best friend, who is a straight male. We spent many times together drinking, playing video games, watching movies, and doing other typical guy stuff. But there were a few drunken nights where we ended up jerking off together. I really enjoyed it, but never wanted to have sex with him. Eventually, he found a girlfriend (who he is still with), so those nights stopped happening after that. Since the end of college up to now, I've been very confused, frustrated, and depressed about this matter. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with another man and always wanted to find a wife, have kids, and start a family of my own. No matter how many dates I've been on, none of them ended well. I don't know why I find certain men attractive, but gay sex disgusting. I've been too shy and anxious to try hooking up with another guy. I'm afraid it will go as bad as all my previous dates and leave me feeling worse than ever. I feel like I'm going to be spending the rest of my life miserable and alone. Has anyone else been though a similar experience? I really don't know what I should do next. I've spent many nights praying for an answer, but I know I am not going to suddenly wake up the next day and expect everything to be better. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks
I may not have been through the same exact thing, but I can relate. I am 27 and always dreamed of the getting married to a man and having a family. I have recently realized I am a lesbian, and struggle to deal with the fact that the traditional idea of family is not what will make me truly happy. I still want kids, I still want to get married. It is just now I want that with a woman. Give it time and just go with the flow. You will know what feels right to you. I believe in true love and that everyone deserves to find it if they choose. Good luck to you in your journey. I hope it helps to know you aren't alone. This site has been very helpful to me and I hope there is someone else out there that can give you some better advice.
Hi there. Sorry for the late response, but thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. Any response has been real helpful for me. Since I found this site and made my first post, I've been feeling a lot better than I had in the past. I still am questionable about my orientation, but I hope this is a step in a clearer direction. Thanks again.
Hi, You're not the only person to feel like that, trust me. When I was younger, I had always wanted a wife and family, you know, a traditional life. But when I closed my eyes and imagined them, I could see my kids' faces, but the wife's face was a blank. I could only partially imagine my life with her. There was no attraction. She was just there, because she was supposed to be. At that time, I would never have even allowed myself to imagine life with a man. I was much too wound up about it. It was a mark of failure or ridicule for me to even consider the possibility, so I ended up with nothing. Does that sound somewhat similar?
Not sure if this helps but.... I recently accepted that I am gay. What I am also coming to realize is that there are many types of men in the world. For example while watching the Olympics I feel really good (I can totally see myself coming home every day to Ryan Lochte) but while I am at Walmart I am disgusted at the men I see and feel shame. Although I don't expect to necessarily be with an Olympian I do know that my type is the athletic masculine guy. I am quite turned off by effeminate men, short guys, etc. Best wishes
Thanks again for the replies. @lazyboy: Yes, absolutely. That is pretty much how I felt growing up and how I still feel today. I grew up in a very small neighborhood. I only knew one gay person in my entire high school, and sadly, he got bullied so much that he transferred to another school. I also don't have any relatives that are gay or bi (at least none that I know of). So I'm sure all of those factors contribute to why I feel so confused and possibly "brainwashed".
