Hi! I'm a new member, but posted this in response to 'Stay or go?' a few days ago. I'd be interested to know what other people think, though, so am starting a new thread to get more feedback and advice. I'm 37, married for 14 years, and have an 18yr old son and 13yr old daughter. When I met my husband I was out as bisexual, but over the years it has become clear to me that I'm actually gay. I had one beautiful relationship with a woman, who remains a close friend to this day, when I was in my early 20s. However our situations were very different - I already had my son (born when I was 18), and she had her whole life ahead of her. Despite the fact that we (or I at least) were truly in love, it was the wrong time to settle down together. we told ourselves our time would come, and I clung to that dream for the next 10 or 12 years, before finally reaching the conclusion that it was unhealthy for me to do so, and starting the process of moving on. In the meantime I had married my husband, which, looking back, was more of a survival tactic than anything else. He's a good man and I've tried to do the right thing by him, by my son, and subsequently by my daughter as well. I engaged readily in sex with him while trying to conceive, but since then (ie the last 13 years or so) have struggled to cope with a sexual relationship with my husband. We talked about it in the past, and the issue of my sexuality came up, but he was on the attack and I was defensive and nothing positive came of it. Since then we've reached a fairly stable once-a-month or so arrangement, and we just don't talk about it any more! I've never talked to anyone at all, until recently, and the way I've coped over the years has been to ignore the issue, suppress my feelings, and also a huge part of my personality, and just 'get on' with being straight, married and a mother. I've known for a long time that I'm denying my identity to "do the right thing" for my kids, and have buried myself endlessly in my work to create distance between myself and my husband, and stop me from needing to think about the situation. Somewhat confused!
I'm sorry, I can't really help you but I'll bump the thread because it looks like you need advice. Personally, I would come out, because I just couldn't stick with living a double life and lying to my family. Having said that, I wouldn't judge you for it- you're in a difficult position. It may be a silly question considering you were out as bi when you married him, but do you think he may be homophobic at all? As in, do you discuss your sexuality openly with him? Because the bit you mentioned about him questioning you about it sounded slightly tense. But I'm not even 14 yet, hopefully some of our more senior members who have dealt with situations like this might have something more substantial to offer.
Hi, Linz321! Welcome to EC!! :smilewave You've definitely come to the right place! There is a growing number of men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s here that are at various stages of coming out to their wives. There is also a female member named Ianthe who I'm hoping will chime in, because if memory serves, she's walked in your shoes. You might want to post a message on her wall. She gives amazing advice! [Ianthe, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here. Sorry if I am.] Personally, I was married for 35 years to a wonderful woman with whom I had three children, now adults. She was 19 and I was 20 when we got married - both good Catholic virgins :bang:. If you want to read my story, check out my threads. We divorced in February and I'm on my own now for the first time in my life. If you want to read other threads of the men here who have been in this unbearable situation (some still are), read through those by Tracker57, Maxx, JimL, Nomadicdave, tom100, and Bobbgooduk. There are others, but their names escape me right now. All those threads contain advice you might find helpful. I think you'll probably hear from some of them in this thread. Anyway, welcome and best of luck. It's a huge step to admit that you need (and deserve) to be authentic! I think we also owe our spouses the opportunity to find someone who will make them happy in every way. If you take the steps to authenticity, they'll be the hardest ones you've taken in your life, but they will be towards your greatest happiness - even if it's a long way off. Finally, if you have the means and haven't already, I highly recommend getting counseling for yourself. If you can find someone who specializes in LGBT issues, so much the better. Just be careful that you don't end up with someone who claims they can "fix" you - they can't because you're not broken! It's the "fix" that would break you! Maybe a local LGBT organization would have a recommendation. When/if you do come out, encourage your husband to seek counseling too - with you and individually. Best of luck and keep posting about your journey! You won't believe how much the people here care! (*hug*) 55
Hello and welcome from me as well. I had been married for 9 years when I finally needed to come out. My wife and I separated, and it was really the best thing for both of us. Counselling is important. Ultimately for both you and your husband. But you should start to help you figure out what is really important for you. I'll also say that you won't be "blowing their world to bits". I know exactly how you feel. I wondered if it would be easier for me to end my life than to put my wife and kids through what I thought would be a horrible experience - "ruining" their lives. But it didn't ruin anyone's life. Kids are resilient. At the time they were only 3 and 5, and they adapted very well. My ex wife got over the initial shock and became one of my biggest supporters. She has since remarried, as have I. My kids now have a mom, a dad, and 2 step dads who all love them. Of course life would have been easier if they had a traditional mom and dad who still were married, but that just wasn't in the cards for them. And they seem to be OK with it. I'd bet your kids would be fine. Good luck. Feel free to write here, or if you would like you can contact me directly - because I'm a moderator on the site. Click on my name to the left and click on send private message.
Dear BBird, I feel your pain. I just came out to my wife a few weeks ago after 27 years of marriage. She was devastated, and we are still working through the next steps. That being said, even though it was incredibly painful for both of us, I wouldn't go back to the way it was. I just couldn't pretend any more to be someone I wasn't - it wasn't fair to either of us. I echo 55's recommendation regarding finding a good therapist/counsellor - it's great to be able to speak in complete confidence with someone and having them help you guide yourself through it. 55 is right - people here care - a LOT. I wouldn't have had the courage to come out to my wife without the amazing people on this forum. Good luck along your path - it's going to be okay - and though the next patch will likely be rough, you are going to have a happy, full life going forward - as will the rest of your family. We are here to help you and support you in any way we can. (*hug*) Maxx
Thanks so much everyone. Reading your replies and all the support made me cry with relief! It's such a huge step to share this with anyone and I'm so terrified of rejection. It means so much that you took the time to reply. 55, I recognise the names of some of the members you mentioned from other threads I've read before posting. I will seek some out now and post on one or two walls. Please note my name change (for security), too! I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to my husband just yet as there are family events coming up that we need to get through first. He thinks of himself as being open-minded but I suspect a level of latent homophobia will be a significant player in his reaction when I do tell him. (Very perceptive, young 'Fireworks'!) If I wait until the Autumn to talk to him, will you guys still be here???
Nah well all be on vacation! JK! Were always here, you dont have to disappear off these forums till then you know, we make a great sounding board for all kinds of problems, from the deep to the mundane
You're welcome, BBird75! I've learned so much about myself in the past few months, it's unbelievable. Whether you make changes in your life or not, you will know yourself so much better by communicating here! I agree that coming out in the very near future may not be the best idea. Take your time, take the right steps, and you'll know when and if the time is right. Be aware though, that if coming out is really what you decide you need to do, look for the best time to do it - and then do. People come and go on EC as with anything, but as you read through threads, you'll see many names over and over going back a long time. The moderators are always here to help. They're amazing. Speaking for myself, I'm planning to stick around a long time. Message or post any time! (&&&) 55 ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2012 at 12:38 AM ---------- I came across this post from the end of last year: "Came out to husband after over 20 years marriage" by an EC member named Ellfan. I thought it might be helpful. Sorry, I don't know how to post a link to the thread. It doesn't look like Ellfan has posted anything since then so she may no longer be around, but it might not hurt to write on her wall too. 55
Just thought I'd give this thread a boost and see if anyone else out there wants to chime in! :icon_wink 55 / Maxx / Jim: I'm not sure counselling's for me, really! I'm pretty good at thinking things through myself, and tend to rely on my own clarity to work things out. Also, I live in a small town and would have to travel to get to a counsellor who could be relied on to have lgbt knowledge/experience - I'd be worried I'd got someone just making it up as they go along, and then their 'couselling' might cloud my own judgement.... You see, I've got issues counselling!!! Might be a good idea for him, or for both of us, when I do come out to him... We'll see how things go. As for that, I have taken the step of asking my parents to look after my daughter for a weekend to give us time to talk... but the earliest we can sort is the middle of October! I had to let them think I'm organising something special to celebrate our wedding anniversary!! :icon_redf I'm now struggling with the kind of 'limbo' feeling, having made the decision to tell him, but not able to do so yet. It's weird but, the more secure I feel in myself with my identity as a gay woman, and with the fact that, for me, telling him is the right thing to do, the more I feel like a liar and a fraud because I'm letting him go along thinking everything is fine between us. It's uncomfortable to say the least and I've had some pretty low days lately. And on yet another level, I think he knows that everything is NOT fine! But he's making the unconcious decision to ignore it - familiar territory!! :eusa_doh: Eurrrgh!!
Counselling for the two of you would likely be helpful. And that person wouldn't have to speciallize in LGBT issues - but they should be at least sympathetic. My counsellor didn't have any explicit training or background, but he was a warm and accepting person, which is what I needed. He helped me, he helped my wife, and he helped both of us together. Primarily around healthy communication techniques when we were seeing him together. I worry that you're building your husband up for some kind of anniversary 'celebration' and the real reason will be even more disappointing than if you were bring it up on a Friday evening when the kids are already in bed. But on the other hand, if you think he has a sense that something is wrong (which he likely does) then he might be half prepared for it anyway. Good luck - and keep us posted.
Hi BBird75 - and welcome to EC from me too! A lot of what you have written chimes with my feelings at the start of this process - only a few months back. Yes, it's horrible. And it will probably get worse. BUT - it does also get better, much better. So hang on to that. Like others here, I am still working through understanding myself and my relationship after coming out to my wife a few weeks ago. Although the situation is fraught with problems (and I didn't have to worry about the kids - they're adults now), my wife and I have learnt such a lot more about each other and explored areas of our personality on both sides that we never did before, that, if nothing else, I am sure we will both be happier, more complete human beings at the end. We have come a long way already in fact. So, like Maxx has said, I wouldn't go back. A big part of all this is that your spouse knows (mine certainly did) that something isn't right and, although the reason is not what they want to hear, at least they finally understand and now have the chance to try to help and find solutions. That in itself helps a great deal in moving forward. I wouldn't wait - you'll just get very preoccupied and stressed - and constantly want to be on EC for support but having to hide it! I hated that. Best wishes, Tom
Hi again. I'm struggling a bit today! You're right, Tom - it's eating me up at the moment, but there's loads going on in the next month or so that means we don't have the space to work through stuff. Also, with my parents going away, I don't have anyone to fall back on to look after my daughter if things get really crappy here. I'm not building my husband up for an anniversary thing, as he doesn't know I've asked mum to have my daughter, and I've asked her not to tell him. It's only her who thinks we're celebrating. We don't normally push the boat out much on our anniversary anyway, and the weekend I've arranged is just before the actual date, which is good because I can't face the whole giving of cards and gifts etc while I'm still pretending. I can't 'wait until the kids are in bed', Jim. My son will be away at university when I talk to my husband, but my daughter is 13. She doesn't settle down until after 10pm, and would certainly be aware of any row going on, and I really feel a row is likely. I feel I've no choice but to stick it out in limbo. I've been pretending for years. I should be able to keep it up for another 6 weeks or so. It's just I feel so false right now... Sorry guys - I really do appreciate your support and good wishes. Thank you! Bbird
OK- I didn't understand it right. That makes sense. As you said - you've waited this long, so you can wait another 6 weeks. We're here if you need us...
I'm happy to see your update BBird75! I've been wondering what's been happening. I can completely identify with where you're at. My coming out to my wife (ex) took a different path - she suspected it was coming and got frustrated with me for not manning up. Your current state of limbo is temporary, just do the best you can! I wish I had some sage wisdom for you for coping, it is excruciating! Maybe allowing yourself a time out once in a while would be helpful. Find a diversion you find helpful and let it take you away for a bit - even if it's five minutes. Best wishes, 55
I'm also happy to hear your update, but sorry you are finding things difficult. Just because we might be very used to pretending does not make it easy. The fact that you know that big changes may be about to happen is probably quite unsettling so that your feeling wobbly is understandable. I know sometimes with my own situation that weeks can pass and I can feel like I haven't had the time and space to be and grow. I now find that the more removed I am from myself (e.g. pretending), the more isolated I feel. Ironic seeing as I spend 20 years running away from myself. I very much admire the courage you are showing right now. In my relationship, it was my ex who took the brave step to move things towards an end, although it was a long time coming. I did not come out to him then but I had done very early in our ten year relationship. I understand how it is to be in a relationship with a very good man, with the knowledge that all is not right. I also tried to do the best by my ex. It is taking me time to work through the guilt and shame that I have carried but I am happy to say that I am for sure moving in the right direction. How you feel now is not forever ) Best wishes, Rose
Thanks for still being there people! It means a lot to me, as this stage in my journey is, by necessity, pretty long drawn-out, that people might 'keep me in mind', even when I've nothing interesting to post! 55, I've been reading some of your other posts. I can really identify with some of the things you've been working through in the last year or so! Throughout, despite the dilemmas and challenges you've faced, you seem to have been clear and positive in yourself, having experienced the revelation of coming out to yourself to begin with. I feel like that too. In some ways, I've never felt more at ease with myself - happy, even joyful, to finally come to terms with me! A big part of me cries out "bring it on", and can't wait to move into the next stage of my life, working through all the heartache with my husband to come out the other side authentic and genuine. I know there will be hard times, but I'm also confident that we'll all get through it. I'm also a high school teacher, but don't plan to come out to anyone at work until... well.. after I've dealt with the home situation. People will know I'm dealing with personal problems at home, without knowing the details! When I need to 'cross that bridge', I'll do so one baby step at a time! So it's not all bad, right now - I just have to remind myself at times. Of course there is the chance that, like your wife, my husband might force the issue. I think probably not, though. It generally works well for him to avoid conflict and wait until problems just fade away... except they never really do, do they? Rose, great to hear from you again! Do you mean your ex knew you were not straight right from the start? If that's the case, why did/do you feel so much 'guilt and shame'? Relationships sometimes do come to an end, for so many reasons, and people get hurt sometimes - it's a fact of life. We suffer, then deal with it over time, and move on. You don't have kids, who are truly blameless, and the people about whom I struggle with guilt. Is your ex ok now? If so, stop feeling guilty! And why shame?? It's not your 'fault' that you're gay, and you had the courage to tell him and work through things, rather than just string him along, or finish with him with no explanation, or try to blame him, ... On another level, I kind of do understand why you use these words, Rose. Do you know many other gay women? (I don't, by the way!!) Bluebird x
Hey im not sure I have anything useful to add, I have no experience of your situation but I do know how hard it was for me to come to terms with who I am and come out to people and I never had a husband or children. On a brighter note though I have been here on EC for a while now and I can say that there are many people who have come here in your situation (some of which have been posting on this thread) and many of them came here scared, alone, unsure and in a bit of a state and a lot of them found great comfort here, successfully worked through everything and left a new person. So I believe you have come to the right place and that in time you will get to where you want to be.
Hi Bbird, I hope your day has worked out okay for you. The joy you feel about coming to terms with yourself is truly worth celebrating, and in time I hope you do, with people who accept and love the authentic version of you. It totally sounds like you are ready to blossom and in the end that has to be good for your children. I can understand why struggle you with guilt and I hope you can be compassionate towards yourself. You didn't set out to hurt anyone and, in your words, sometimes relationships have to come to an end... That children are involved means that you have to consider their feelings carefully, but you cannot change what has happened. Do you think your children have any inclination that all is not well? Do any of the rest of your family know you are gay? Now, I don't want to hijack your post but I will answer your questions! As a teenager I had pretty much denied the feelings I had about being gay. I was terrified and there was way too much going on at home to feel safe enough to explore my feelings. In my first year at Uni I fell in love with a wonderful guy and thought we would get married, have kids and live happily ever after. I wanted that. Two years later, my long buried feelings about being gay returned. I felt pretty sure of it and told this to my ex. He was very caring and supportive BUT discarded my feelings, telling me that he didn't think it was true. I went along with this, because I was way too scared of the alternative, and I still loved him so it was not difficult to carry on being together. We were still together after ten years. I tried to end the relationship again a couple of years after the first time, when I was about 25. Somehow though, we stuck together, but we were not happy. As I said, in the end, it was him who took the brave decision to end what had become a pretty destructive relationship. That was nearly four years ago. I was then firmly in the closet and we did not discuss my earlier revelations, and haven't to this day. I wrote him a letter this summer to let him know where I'm at and to come out to him properly but as yet it is unsent. I tried to give him my truth but he chose to ignore it, so yes in that respect I need not feel guilty. But I maintained the relationship knowing deep down that it could not have longevity and I felt guilty for that. Now though, I can forgive myself and I understand that I did the best I could at the time to be true to myself and my ex. I was deep in denial and not able to make healthier choices for myself. The shame is more complicated. I am working through what I think is probably internal homophobia. Although I have come to terms with who I am, I am not sure I am yet totally accepting. I feel glimmers of pride within, but I cannot express this outwardly and at the moment I struggle to talk about it at all. I know that I cannot change who I am, I know that there is more to me than being gay and I know that being gay does not make me a lesser person. BUT, I'm still working towards acceptance and that has to be okay for now I only came out to myself in the last year after moving job and country. I have had gay friends in the past but I do not have any gay friends now who know I'm gay. This forum is great but it is not the same as connecting face to face. Unfortunately, where I live, the visible gay population is tiny, and for me there is also a language barrier. I've looked for support groups (including those in German) or meet ups but so far no joy. I'm really interested to know how you've come to accept yourself... Take care, Rose
It's a tricky one, as children - particularly teenagers - and their relationships with us as parents, change so quickly anyway. My son knows that I'm not straight (I was outed, unkindly, to him by an extended family member years ago, and, after some months when he must have worried about it quite a bit, he eventually confronted me about it and we spoke. He was about 11 at the time, and now he's 19. I think it cleared things up a bit for him, as he must have been aware at some level of the relationship I was in with my ex-gf when he was 2 or 3 years old, and that's a relationship that continues, in a different form, of course, to this day.) He is now the most aware of any family member, and the one who I feel most confident will deal with any change positively, and will always accept me. We have a great relationship! My daughter is 13, and she is very moody at the moment. I have a good relationship with her too, though, and I think the moodiness is to do with her hormones and stage of development etc. She doesn't know there's anything more wrong than usual between her dad and me - in fact there isn't, really! But she'll be affected deeply by any significant changes that happen at home, and may struggle to accept changing relationships in the family, because of the stage of emotional maturity she's at. As for the rest of the family, my parents knew about my gay relationship all those years ago, but will have put it down to a 'phase'! I won't mind jolting them into reality when the time comes. They'll deal with it, and eventually accept, I'm sure!!! (?) I've also experienced men who think it's not really true (it's rather inconvenient for them, you have to admit!) I had a boyfriend for a while who was convinced my gay relationship had been because I'd 'never had a decent man'. Hmm. It didn't last! Part of my denial when I was a teenager was to do with homophobic bullying at school. I certainly hadn't worked out I was gay, or bi, or anything, but by the time I knew what the word 'lesbian' meant, it was already a swearword in my mind, and something I was desparate to distance myself from. Are you sure it's accurate to describe his decision as 'brave'? It seems to me that you tried to get out, but because HE was in denial about your sexuality / how destructive the relationship was, he wouldn't let you go, when it would have been the best thing for both of you. I don't think you need to write to him explaining, etc. He knows, whether or not he chooses to accept. Stop feeling guilty!!! You're in a tough situation because of where you live. Do you go home (to where you're from originally) very often. Could some of your friends there put you in touch with members of a gay community, even for a short time? You're right, in what you posted on my wall, to say I am lucky to have had experience of a lesbian relationship before. Because of that, and because I've always had that wonderful, beautiful experience to look back on - God it's been on such a high pedestal in my life, it has always figured as an important part of my identity. I never liked to label myself as gay/lesbian/bisexual/straight preferring to see myself as simply a woman, within myself untamed and untameable, who has the capacity to love! But recently, I've felt strongly that, for me to be happy, I need to be free to love a woman; that ultimately I see myself being complete and whole, only if I love a woman again. I think that's why I can accept myself in the way I described in my last post. I might feel less happy with myself once I have begun to hurt people I love, of course! But for now, at least within myself, I feel happy to have come to terms... Anyway, good luck, Rose. Please keep posting! You need to meet people, and get into a position where you have a real chance of being in a relationship. I'm sure knowing other gay women would help you to feel more at ease with yourself. Bye for now, Bluebird
