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I need help...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dorrans, Jul 26, 2012.

  1. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    Hi. I'm new and I'm nervous just posting this. I considered myself straight when I had several crushes on girls. I remember one where just sitting next to her gave me an erection. I would run home to see her every day, and I was so happy with her. I never told any of my crushes my feelings. I remember in Year 6, I used to get a crush every week on a girl and I was aroused by boobs. Things changed though. I think when I was younger, I had a crush on the same sex. I wanted to be around him, be noticed by him and be a friend, was nervous around him and found him intimidating, and I jerked off to him but couldn't really imagine his face - it was like a blur. I felt jealous of him because he was better than me at sport and music, jealous that he found it easy to talk to people and I didn't, and worried that he may judge me and see how socially inept I really was. I got thoughts that people might think I was gay. I had two similar friend crushes with no arousal on the same sex. I do remember looking at him quite a bit - not staring but looking. I was almost imagining myself sitting next to him, chatting with him, being accepted, but instead I was stuck on a quiet table where no one talked. . I didn't think he was attractive and when someone said he was, the thought didn't compute in my head. It was an alien concept to me and I didn't get it. I was never aroused by him, rarely thought of him sexually. I only thought about playing him on Xbox live or talking to him on MSN like friends do. I just wanted to know more about him and be a mate. At the time, I was never aroused by any man before, just girls. I remember having one erection for almost an hour just sitting next to a girl in church.

    ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2012 at 09:51 AM ----------

    Things changed when two years ago, the thought of being gay hit me like a hammer. I've been obsessing about it ever since. I can't led go of the fact I may never love a girl again. Some of my happiest memories have been with girls - letting that go is too hard. I'm so scared that when I go to public places, I'll be aroused. Sometimes I am - which leads me to think I'm bisexual. But a man could never make me complete. I get this electric feeling when I'm with a girl. That boy I mentioned I had a 'crush' on - the feeling wasn't the same. No lust, no romance. I wasn't jealous when he had a girlfriend because I didn't like him in that way. I don't know now.
     
  2. Bobbgooduk

    Bobbgooduk Guest

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    So what help are you asking for?

    You seem to like girls a lot, with an interest occasionally in men.

    This doen't mean you're weird. It isn't something you have to act upon - you're not faced with a choice at the moment od no need to come down on one side ot the other.

    I think you've probably summed yourself up already. Probably you'll experiment with a guy but settle down with a girl - nothing at all odd about that - unless you cheat on one for the other, which is a dangerous game.
     
  3. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    I get really nervous that I'll get aroused, I tense up. I may get aroused but it's not relaxed at all. I think about this night and day. My head is all over the place, my penis seems to have a mind of its own and I'm focusing on my penis all the time. From the time I wake up to when I go to sleep. Constant fear and anxiety. When I check at a picture of a man whether I'll get an erection, initially I don't. Then I get worried that I'm not getting a reaction because I'm sort of anticipating one, I wait and I wait, I keep on looking at it over and over again until something happens. It takes 4-5 mins. Odd thing is that 3 years, I took acupuncture to relax myself. I was super relaxed, but I couldn't get an erection around a man. If I couldn't get one 3 years ago when I was totally relaxed, why now?
     
    #3 Dorrans, Jul 26, 2012
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  4. BudderMC

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    Honestly, I found what you wrote really hard to follow for some reason, so sorry about that.

    Part of what factors into here is your age. If you're going through puberty, guys get erections for no reason. Just because you get an erection say, reading a National Geographic magazine, doesn't suddenly mean you're into beastiality.

    Anyways, the bottom line is, you're attracted to who you're attracted to. Guys are very lucky in the sense that one's penis doesn't lie very often... if you're aroused, you're aroused, and it's pretty obvious. You get aroused around girls? Great, that means you like girls. If you don't with guys, then you don't like guys. It's as simple as that; there's no need to overcomplicate it.

    On the other hand, just because you (think you're) gay doesn't mean you automatically get aroused by all men, just like straight guys don't automatically get aroused by all women.

    Unless I read it wrong, it sounds like you don't have strong sexual desire for guys and no emotional desire to be with a guy, so I wouldn't call you gay. Bisexual, maybe, depending on how strong/frequent your attractions are, but I can't answer that, only you can.
     
  5. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    I dunno. It's tricky. I'm in puberty and it seems like my hormones are all over the place. I'm happy one day, sad the next, angry another and pure lazy on another day. Sometimes I am aroused. It's not a relaxed one, it's a sense of nerves. It's like I'm focusing so much on my penis - every time I go out into a public place, I get scared I'll get erect. Maybe I am bi but I won't be able to physically be in a relationship with a guy, emotionally for that matters. Guys will never make me complete. Even through these past 2 years, I haven't felt any urge to kiss a guy or have sex or lust after him.
     
  6. BudderMC

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    You're scared you'll get an erection because you're going somewhere public, or because you're going to see a guy who will arouse you?

    That's the distinction that needs to be made. If it's the former, then that's normal for nearly every teenage guy. If it's the latter, then yeah, maybe you're bi or something.
     
  7. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    Maybe I am but before all this anxiety I never got an erection around a man. I was still in puberty during the time. No topless man could arouse me. Going to public places, arousal wasn't playing on my mind 24/7. I just wasn't aroused. Most of my arousal was for girls. Now I don't know. I'm nervy, moody, all over the place.
     
  8. Bobbgooduk

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    Sex (including masturbation) is an incredible releaser of tension.

    I'm going to make an assumption that you have experienced sexual release in some way or other.

    You therefore know that sex has a calming effect. Maybe you are transferring your general anxiety into the sexual sphere, so that your anxiety in then about sex (and the organ of you release of tension) - you dick, in other words.

    If you've been a long-time sufferer of anxiety, you'll know how difficult it can make life.

    You seem to be anxious about boners you don't get unless you force yourself to.

    Thinking about my dick for 5 minutes tends to have an effect too!

    I'm sure you've explored in the past the reasons you are anxious, but I think you're looking in the wrong place this time.

    Every man, gay or straight, throws a boner in public occasionally. Provided you're not a naturist, there are solutions to impromptu visitations - even your fear of embarrassing yourself will have an effect (in reality rather than in your fears).
     
  9. BudderMC

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    Fine, skip thinking about erections for a second then.

    Do you ever catch yourself eyeing male celebrities, or random (good-looking) guys on the street? Do you do this with females?
     
  10. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    I've had bad anxiety before. First of all, I was depressed for a couple of weeks constantly crying because I saw a fire on a TV show and I though it'd happen to my family. Then I was scared my family would burn to death because I accidentally left an iron on, and I always check twice to ensure the iron is plugged off. I'm worried that I could dead because I was nearly hit by a car, I was worried about this erection thing around men, I was worried that if I didn't clean every week, I wouldn't be able to relax, I was worried about dirty spoons etc. I've been worried about a lot of things. I been labelled a worrier. I remember checking my bag 5 or 6 times every day before I go to school, worried I've forgotten something. I remember getting worked up because I thought I lost a pencil when it was in my bag all along. So my anxiety does extend past arousal.

    ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2012 at 12:43 PM ----------

    No. But I do find myself intimidated by them though. I went to the shop a couple of days ago and I was immediately scared of this guy. I get nervous around people easily. Females - well I only have eyes for females my age, because I know older females are out of bounds, in that respect. I find good-looking people scary and intimidating. I'm got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach at the moment.
     
    #10 Dorrans, Jul 26, 2012
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  11. BudderMC

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    Okay, so if you're not attracted to guys, then you almost definitely aren't gay, and very likely aren't bi.

    Erections happen to all teenage guys for no apparent reason. I don't know much about anxiety and all that (I'm sure it can't help), so I'll leave that to someone else who knows more. But I wouldn't be worrying about getting erections around guys. If you do and a guy starts eyeing it, you can always cheekily ask him what he's looking at.

    It happens to everyone, and there's not a whole lot you can do to stop it. Making sure you have a fair amount of sexual release probably helps, and certain types of underwear might be better for hiding it than others, but otherwise, it's totally normal.
     
  12. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    I get a bit weirded out when a guy looks at me. My friend has a habit of touching me, actually a few people do. One person touches my private area. I was kissed unsuspectingly by a guy while I was doing work in class. Not pleasant.
     
  13. Bobbgooduk

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    Labelling you a worrier and you recognizing you become a little obsessed over "unimportant" things like your pencil or your school bay - this is not actually helping you address your anxiety problem.

    Do you see a counsellor? Have you spoken to a doctor or therapist recently?

    Your anxiety seems to move from cause to cause (TV, near-miss accident, school bag, pencil, your erections) so I think, as I said before, that you have GENERAL anxiety issues and you need help to sort this out or at least learn strategies to cope with it.

    The label "worrier" doe not address this.

    Some of the kids I have taught are autistic and autists have to be taught strategies to cope in a world they do not always understand.

    You are not autistic, but I think you need to learn coping strategies otherwise you will be an emitional slave to one anxiety anfter another.

    Don't suffer in silence. Discuss it with someone and see what your options are - it's having too serious an effect on you to ignore it (in practical terms) for much longer.
     
  14. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    Thank you. I've just been obsessing so much about my sexuality looking for signs I was gay before, of which I've explained, that it's just plagued my thoughts. I feel gay. I can't take my mind off it. It's like the more I stress and stress, the more erections I get around men.

    I don't think I ever fully recovered from the TV and near-miss incidents. It's still on my mind sometimes. I fear I'll relapse again. And this sexuality thing is dominating me. My erections are all over the place and I fear I'm getting attracted to men.

    My parents thought I tackled the anxiety issue with acupuncture. They did but it was a short term issue. Within a month, I was back to my old self.

    How could I go from getting erections without thinking with women to getting erections around some men through pure nerves?
     
    #14 Dorrans, Jul 26, 2012
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  15. Bobbgooduk

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    It's not something you should fear. In many (most) ways, being gay is great!

    I think most people here would say it's not actually the "being gay" bit which poses the problem - it's the way that others react to it which can cause stress.

    I think you need to get your anxiety issues sorted before you start worrying about your sexuality, especially as you are a yong teenager and awash with "horny-mones".

    Keep talking on here - there are a lot of people with experience of things similar to your issues.
     
  16. BudderMC

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    How do you "feel gay" if you aren't attracted to men?
     
  17. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    I mean, probably beneath this all, I'm either straight or bi. Since 2010, I've been obsessively searching OCD websites, Yahoo Answers, all sorts of gay related teen sites which have really messed me up and preyed on the issue. Then when I do get an erection, I question whether it would have happened 2 years ago, then I start thinking about what if I was a teen in the 90s, I would have probably called myself gay, despite liking girls a lot.

    ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2012 at 01:13 PM ----------

    I don't know mate. I know I'm not capable of a relationship with a man on an emotional and physical level. I don't know whether I'm just feeling hormonal. Which may account for the anxiety, varying moods etc. I "feel gay" in the sense that I feel I've changed since two years ago, from being relatively anxiety-free to being 100% anxiety riddled. Just a couple of weeks before the anxiety took hold in 2010, I had a really comforting fantasy about kissing a girl. I felt an urge to be with a girl because I was almost feeling empty. How could I have changed? I mean, I had a fear I was attracted to Justin Bieber of all people. This was a guy I hated two years ago and felt pretty jealous of, and I had a strange dream about him?????

    I'm bi aren't I? Or is it hormones or is it my anxiety or what is it? Am I gay?
     
    #17 Dorrans, Jul 26, 2012
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  18. BudderMC

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    Being gay (or bi) means you're attracted to men. You aren't attracted to men. So no, I wouldn't call you gay or bi.
     
  19. Dorrans

    Dorrans Guest

    You sure. Even though I had some weird dreams and having this erection issue? Even with this seeming "low-level attraction", I don't desire men. Before the anxiety, I didn't look at men. When I was in public, I was focusing on the scenery, not on men. Now, whenever I go on the Tube or to a shopping centre, I'm thinking, "What if I'm attracted to that man? What if I get an erection? What next? I must be gay now". Do you think I'm just stressing too much? It's like I need a release because the more stressed and nervous I get, the stronger the erection gets. If so, I can try relaxing for a week and see the response.
     
    #19 Dorrans, Jul 26, 2012
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  20. Lance

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    You sound pretty straight to me. It's normal for straight guys to find other guys attractive once in a while, even though most would never admit it. Sexuality is far more fluid than simply being 100% straight or gay. Since you said you don't physically or emotionally want to be with a guy, then I think you have your answer.