Hello, I'm new to this, so I'll try my best to explain in the shortest way I can. I hope someone can help, I've really been having a hard time, I really need a friend or support from anyone. I'm a 24 year old lesbian/bi-sexual. I say it that way, because while I do find guys attractive, I don't really want to have any kind of relations with men, sexual or romantic at all. I am very attracted to females and gender-queers, and have a beautiful relationship with my girlfriend, whom I love very much. The only problem is, my parents don't know about it, and they hurt my feelings when they talk about their views on the gay community. It feels like they just wont listen. If anything, I'd just like help with what to do when my parents start hurting my feelings about being gay. Recently I've had to move back in with my parents due to the economy, my job just wasn't cutting it, living on my own. My parents are very religious and we have had numerous debates about gays, me trying to explain things to them, and them just not swaying at all on their opinions about gays. It gets to the point that I cant stop crying, and them not knowing I'm gay, just hurts more. They tell me that gays are cursed and possessed, that they're sinners, and while it's sad that anyone goes to hell, they're going to hell for sinning, that gay acts are an abomination. It makes me feel so bad, like I'm going to hell for loving someone, and I can't tell them how I feel. They don't understand, it's almost like they refuse to see it any other way. When I try to explain things to them, they reply 'Just don't do things the bible says not to do'. So I'm not suppose to love anyone? Just try to deny what I want, so so much. I'm suppose to stay sad and lonely, and never dream of having a happy life with someone I love and want to take care of? I can't understand why god would not approve of two people loving each other, and caring so deeply for one another. My parents tell me that love and sexual acts are two different things, but isn't that the same thing when you're attracted/fall in love with someone? It doesn't make sense to me, it makes me sad and confused. I feel so guilty towards my parents, and feel that there's no hope, that they'll one day figure it out and I'll have no one to turn to or have any support (Of course I have my girlfriend, but community support is welcome), that they'll just not be able to handle it. That's why I've come here for help. My parents are wonderful people, they've been very supportive my whole life and took me in when I couldn't afford my own place, without a second thought. They're not homophobic or mean, they just don't understand how anyone can love the same gender, they refuse to, to them it's a damning choice. They say they're saddened by it and pray for them. Saddened by it is another problem I'm having, I feel such guilt, that I can never tell them about my feelings and hopes because it'll break their hearts. It makes me so sad. I love my parents and don't want to ruin our relationship, but I want to get on with my life. I'd love to move in with my girlfriend, I want to marry her, and have a happy life together, a family, but I don't know how to get there, while stuck in this situation. I love my girlfriend so much. Is there anyone out there with advice, experience, or just support, please? I know this is a long, difficult situation, but anything would help, thank you in advance.
Your parents are saying horrible (and incorrect) things, but they just don't know any better. My parents were the exact same way. They had never met any gay people before, so they assumed all of these horrible things about them and I had to listen to the same garbage that you're listening to. Do your parents know any gay people? Now, my parents have made a 180 degree turn on their thoughts towards homosexuality. Why? Because I ended up coming out to them. It wasn't worth it to hide who I really am from them, even though they may have thought horrible things about people like me. Coming out to them made them re-evaluate their ideas and opinions, and question the absurdity of saying that gay people are supposed to just live lonely lives, because that's the "right" thing to do. Well, it most certainly isn't the "right" thing to do, and they began to understand. Gay people to them were no longer a statistic or "those" people, they now knew that someone who they loved dearly was gay. I helped them realize that it wasn't a choice, as well. That's what made them turn around the most. It sounds like your parents love you. I think, if you were to come out to them, they would turn around just like mine did. Would you rather continue hiding from them and not give them a chance to learn the truth? Or take a huge risk and potentially change their viewpoints? Of course, it's all on your time. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Like SkyDiver, mine changed their views of gay people after they found out I was gay too. They are pretty religious, but never really talked bad about gay people or anything. It was a little bit difficult for them to comes to terms with it at first(but then again it is for us too, we all need time), but being their kid and having it hit really close to home is what helped change their mindset and become completely accepting of gays and to rethink what the bible really says. That was back when I was 19, I'm 24 now. It definitely brings you a lot closer not having to hide and filter yourself anymore. My mom even went to a gay pride festival with me last year, lol. If you are still a bit unsure if they will react very negatively, I would suggest you maybe try and wait it out until you are more financially dependent and on your own in case it comes to the worst case scenario where they might react badly and kick you out. It doesn't sound like that should be the case though. You just have to build up the courage to sit down and talk with them and make sure that you're ready and prepared.
Thank you guys, you don't know how much you've helped! Sorry it took me a few days to respond, I had to have some time to think. I think SkyDiver is right, I think my parents would be okay with it, eventually, they just don't understand quite yet. They claim they've known gay people, but they can't name anyone. The only gay people they've known, I believe, are my very distant great aunts, that live states away. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who's been in this situation! CarbonX21 had a good point too, it takes time for everyone, I didn't realize that before hand. I think I'll just have to be understanding until I can move in with my girlfriend, then tell them, it might be easier. Thank you guys again, you've really helped me calm down and put things in perspective. Any more advice for getting out of debates or conversations about being gay, to religious people? I can never seem to get out without a fight. Thank you again!
This isn't particularly useful, but you could point out the bible tells people to not give someone 'a proud look', or to eat shellfish, but that slavery is allowed. Therefore only doing things permitted in the bible isn't the best of ideas. Like I said this isn't particularly helpful, but it's a counter-argument.
The problem is, we're talking a somewhat hardwired issue here. The mindset, brain structure, and organization of the brain of very rigid, highly religious people is different than people who are less rigid (and usually, devout). (note: I am NOT speaking about Christians in general, but of the specific subset who are very, very rigid in their beliefs.) For these people, logic simply doesn't work, and it's hard for those of us who think more logically to understand it, because our brains are wired differently. Check out Jonathan Haidt's TED talk for more on this. The bottom line is, ultra-devout, ultra-religious people *can* come around, but it is typically a bit harder for them than for average people simply because they appear to be hardwired to resist change. But when faced with a particularly paradoxical situation, such as a gay child... the majority do eventually "get it." You just have to be patient. If I were you, I'd not bring it up now, while you're living at home and somewhat dependent on them. I'd wait until you have more independence. Hopefully they'd be reasonable, but you don't want to put yourself in a vulnerable position unless/until you have options.
I have the same problem but times 2 on the account that im atheist . i really want tell my parents that if there was a god then why in the world would he want his children to be discriminated against. the bibke said that we were made in gods image.... if thats true than why do i get crushes on otger guys? its not like i chose to do it im very very sorry if i offended anybody i just had to get that off my chest. i understand if you hate me
