My mind is messed up! Urgent Help!!!

[Nibble]

Hello, am new.
My Story: I'm a 21 year old guy, when I was growing up, I liked girls although I had slight feminine traits ( I grew up among girls... ).
Going through puberty I loved watching straight porn, like loved it a lot but at about 14, some guy who was my neighbor who was about 20 at than time started a random conversation with me ( I was at his house ), an before I knew it, we started talking about sex and I consensual went inside his house had sex with him ( Strictly me as top and without any form of romance at all... ). For weeks we hada regular casual sex whenever I felt horny (at times a couple of times a day still with me as top ) he tried to Top some times but when I tried it, before he even penetrated I stopped him because it was so painful and I didn't think I would enjoy it, so for weeks, we had casual sex (still with me as top).
As at now, I have had sex with 2 guys with him inclusive. Although I have started other things with other people but at times, I would just think of what am doing and go completely off.
The issue now is that I now enjoy watching gay porn and even masturbate to it but I can't stand watching straight porn because it's too sensitive for me and might just turn me off.
I still love girls, but I get aroused and am attracted to guys (sometimes I find myself staring at hunks and am aroused to the extent of imagining sex with them).
Because my only experience of sex was with guys, am now scared if it's just that I now see guys as an object of sexual pleasure or am actually gay cause I am as attracted to guys as I am to girls although I cant even stand the thought of having a gay relationship cause sometimes it just irritates me.
I wanna have sex with girls but I find them too sensitive (from porn not that I have tried it for real) and I still have feelings for girls but am only attracted to male bodies and facial appearance...
What do I do?, am soo messed up right now!

[Chip]

Hi, and welcome to EC.

Your situation is a little more complicated than the typical situation.

First, the experience you had with your neighbor was, without question, abusive. Even if you willingly went along with it, with a 6 year age difference at the age you were then, there's way too big a power imbalance for you to be able to objectively think about and make a decision about being sexually active, particularly when you hadn't really considered your sexual orientation.

Ordinarily, I would say that the fact that you continued to have sex with him, enjoyed it, and actively sought it out would be a pretty strong indicator that you are probably gay, but I think it's a little too ambiguous here to say for sure, particularly with the fact that you still seem at least somewhat attracted to women.

Additionally, it seems that the idea of possibly being gay is upsetting to you at some level, and assuming that's the case, that, too, is going to interfere with your finding out what your true orientation is, because you have a strong desire to not be gay, making it harder to accept that you are, if in fact that is actually the case.

So the question you have to really look inside yourself to answer is... where does your actual sexual attraction lie? One suggestion I can make is to take a couple of days and just be mindful as you are out and about, or even home watching TV. Where do your eyes naturally go? Toward guys or toward girls? What body parts are you looking at? Girls breasts and butts, guys chests or butts? When you watch a movie on TV, do you find yourself more drawn toward the hot guys or the hot girls?

Another suggestion is to masturbate for several days without looking at any porn. Let your mind wander, without any conscious effort to draw you to one fantasy or another and see where it leads. Do you find yourself more frequently imagining yourself having sex with girls or guys?

Also, keep in mind it's possible you're not one or the other; there are plenty of people who are attracted to both sexes, though in many of those cases, the opposite sex attraction is sort of a "bridge" to being able to accept yourself as same-sex attracted.

If I were to make a wild guess, I would suspect that you are more likely gay or on the gay side of bi, because the overwhelming majority of straight 14 year old boys would not voluntarily and repeatedly want to have sex with another guy; they would find it gross and repulsive rather than appealing and arousing. But that's based on the limited information you've provided.

Sometimes, talking about this sort of thing works better in a one-on-one conversation where information can be shared back and forth. If you'd like to talk to me or another member of our advisor team, feel free to PM any of us and we'll be happy to help.

[Nibble]

Thanks for your response, It's really helping out.
One more thing, I actually masturbated to straight porn after posting my message and found it INSANELY erotic.
As at that time (when I was 14), it was a phase when I was just discovering myself (sexually), so there was no form romantic attraction at that time, I didn't even fancy the guy or guys then, I mostly just went straight to the point...

[Chip]

The porn is less important than the rest of what I was suggesting. The complicating factor here is your mind is going to play all sorts of tricks on you. It's clear that you very much want to be straight, and so you're going to be looking for any possible way to convince yourself that you're straight, including believing that you're suddenly attracted to straight porn again. But unfortunately, wanting to be straight is about as useful as wanting to be Asian if you're caucasian. In other words... what you are is what you are, and trying to convince yourself instead of letting what comes up naturally isn't going to help you out in the long run.

So if you can put your energy toward truly being open to whatever feelings come up, where your eyes are wandering, and trying not to have any particular agenda about where your thoughts and your eyes go when you're not thinking about it, you'll have a much clearer idea of what's going on.