Really quite confused

Hi there! Even though you will have moments or days where you feel secure about your sexuality, you are still trying to figure things out, which is okay. Having the moments of where you feel comfortable with yourself, and knowing that you are emotionally and physically attracted to guys is good as it provides you with bit of a grounding.

That said, when you start feeling sexually attracted to women, perhaps pause and try to place that attraction in its wider context. There is a wide ranging spectrum not just on sexual identities but also on emotional and physical attractions. Sexualities are fluid and they can change over time, and we can have different levels of emotional and physical attractions to different people. Try to explore and follow what feels right for you.

In terms of coming out, you don't have to attach a label to yourself necessarily. You can always come out as "I'm questioning my sexual identity and I'm trying to figure my feelings out."

 

Well, the immediate question to ask is, "why would you care whether you're labeled as bi or gay"?

My guess is the answer lies in shame... i.e., internalized homophobia, and not wanting to be labeled as gay or even bi. That's something that most everyone deals with as they are working on coming out.

So perhaps that's something to think about. And when you get to the point you really don't care how someone labels you, then you know that you've reached a point where you're really comfortable with yourself.

 

If you come out to someone with "I'm not sure about my sexual identity, and am trying to figure it out," I don't see how someone would label you as gay or bi. If you make that clear, it should be alright. If on other other hand someone labels you as for example gay, after you have come out to them, you can let them know that you are questioning.

However, given you have said so far, you might want to hold off with coming out, if you fear that people are going to label you with a sexual identity that does not correspond to reality.

 

Sometimes, it can take a while before we figure things out and are clear about our feelings/sexual identity. It's okay to say I'll try enjoying life as best as I can and follow where my feelings lead me, without labeling yourself at this stage.

 

It's a term a lot of people are using, but it's not a recognized term. People are grossly overcomplicating this stuff and splitting hairs in order to avoid dealing with simple truth.

Most likely, you're gay. The problem is, it's hard for many people to close the door on being straight.

When anyone process any loss (in this case, "loss" of being straight), there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

So when one starts to process the idea that one is gay, the unconscious throws up all these complicating feelings ("But maybe I could be with a woman! Maybe I'm not fully gay!") which are normally part of the "bargaining" stage. But then people started coming up with all of these terms to, essentially, prolong the bargaining stage. I don't think it does people a service.

As others have said, there's no reason to choose a label if you're early on in the process of exploring the feelings. But there can come a point where you're stuck in the "bargaining" stage. For example, there are guys that have never been in a relationship with a girl, don't fantasize about girls, aren't (really, honestly) attracted to girls, fantasize about guys, masturbate to guys, and have relationships with guys... but identify as "bi." Now, at that point, it's sort of silly, and it's just labeling oneself to avoid acknowledging that one is, in fact, gay. That isn't to say that bisexuals don't exist, but for many people, the "bisexual" label is a bridge to being able to accept oneself as gay.

One suggestion Lex makes that often is helpful is to give yourself 2 or 3 days and just decide, for that period, that you're gay. Look at guys, masturbate thinking about guys, and just, in your mind's eye, pretend that you've fully accepted that you're gay. Then, take 2 or 3 days, and do the same thing, fully accepting that you're straight. That usually helps make it much more clear, as one will feel much more "right" than the other.

But the bottom line is, it can take a bit of time to accept where you are, and that's fine. Obsess about it less from an intellectual perspective, and put the time into exploring feelings.

 

It's great that doing this has given you a few more insights and that it feels 'so much more right'. If it feels right, keep trying to go with it...