Hi there, we are a gay couple who have been in a relationship for a year or so but we decided to be in a monogamous relationship about 3 months ago. We are not living together and we are maintaining at least for the time being a long distance relationship and we see each other very often sometimes once every two to three weeks but it varies. My partner is working in the aviation line so he travels quite a lot. We met more than a year ago on a gay website when it was a friendly chat as at that time I didnt see much prospect in maintaining a long-distance relationship a few hundred miles away. He invited me over and I went with an open mind to see a very nice guy but one visit became more frequent visits and we got closer over the months that ensued. I knew that he also had other romantic interests elsewhere in other countries but was always too frightened to broach the topic or discuss about it openly. It was a time when I began to ponder what am I to him - was I actually a fuckbuddy or just a friend or someone whom he was actively dating? He didnt ever broach the topic ever. We went on extended holidays together and it was only evident earlier this year that I felt that something much more was developing and it was only recently that we used the word 'LOVE'. I have an addiction to porn but I used it to compensate for my insecurities besides periods when I was horny. I had just come out of a relationship which lasted 6 years until about 2 years ago when I discovered that my partner was cheating on me and had given me HIV and that was in the background that we were going to be married later that year! I think I started creeping back into a shell and started blaming myself that I was getting unattractive and old that my other younger partner had to seek pleasure elsewhere - I sought solace in the safety of internet porn - it became an obsession. My partner is now such a pillar of support for me - and he makes me feel as if I am worth more than what I think I am and I feel so secure with him. Unfortunately I am not sure I have been so much of a support for him as like me he has an addiction, which was to meet up with other guys and the thrill of saunas. I knew right from the very start that he was always actively using gay chat apps on his phone and online (which was how we met in the first place!) but I did not know that like me he had an addiction problem which he confessed to me. Since becoming closer to him, I have always been very uncomfortable that even when we were on holidays together and was with him that he was incessantly getting messages from guys via his phone and he was clearly distracted by them and trying to discreetly view or reply to them although I do know he was at it. But at the same time I was very reluctant to broach the topic with him but at the same time I felt 'what am I doing here' when he was busy flirting with other guys even when i was with him - it made me feel very small but I did not know how to voice out my concern nor had the guts to say anything. I even felt that he might feel very frustrated when we were on holidays and in that when he gets offers from other nicer younger guys but I was in the way! It was also from after a visit he made to me that he told me that the place I lived has changed so much and there was so much temptation around - because I also likewise noticed that he was very busy with his phone when he was with me but I did tell him that temptation was always around anywhere, not only as a factor of only in a particular area although I know he is very much drawn to the Far East. It was from a chance occasion when he left his phone on one night that I looked through his phone and I was totally devastated at what I saw. I didnt know how to react when I saw the very intimate nature of his messages he exchanged with other guys and the kisses and romantic inclinations it involved. I felt at that moment to doubt whether his declaration that he loved me, did he mean it? After that episode I spiralled into an even lower state of confidence - I am a not so young 40 year old when he was innundated with offers of love and affection from young 20 - 30 year old attractive young guys. I asked myself - why did he string me on like that - he could just have told me that he wasnt up for anything more than sex with me? I was truly very troubled and confused! He reassured me when he later found out that I was looking at his phone (the coward that I was still didnt have to guts to ask!) but later from a very dishonest act of entrapment that I found out that when he was stationed in other stations that he was actively meeting other guys - I will not go into the details! That was the moment when we both opened up and started talking and that was when he told me about what his addiction was. He confessed that the act of meeting other guys wasnt for the sole purpose of sex or the guy but steming from the need to feel wanted. Coming from a broken and unloved family where his mother left his dad at a very early age and an inhumane mum who showed no love for him. He found that when he gets attention from other guys that he meets that he somehow compensates for this need that he never got from his family. He did mention that monogamy was very difficult for him and being single for many years that he had the freedom to meet anyone he wanted so it must also be a very big step for him personally and I fully acknowledge that. He even told me that if I really loved him to help him. He has also been on other relationships before and he did hint to me that he was hurt before by his previous partners but he did not discuss the details. I love my man very much and on that revelation it made me love him more and I was determined to help him but am not sure what to do. I have put aside all feelings of jealousy and instead turned on a more pragmatic side of me to start thinking of how to help US. He has told me that he was willing to go for therapy or counselling but we agreed that when we talk and discuss this it can be a very good first step. He has mentioned that he doesnt mind me watching porn but I personally feel that addiction to porn can lead to bigger things - and I love him too much to want to take this risk which was why i have disabled all my chat sites applications on my phone and unsubscribed from such sites on the web. He told me that he did not have the will power to do that yet. I am not willing to put any pressure on him as he is an individual that will not succumb to pressure - I believe that he needs to do it on his free will - because I do not want him to hate me for pressurizing him to do things he is not ready to do. I know there are many therapists and councillors here on this site and many guys who might be in the same situation as us before so I would greatly appreciate your views on your experiences or advice. He knows that I am signed on to this forum page so I am not saying things here on the secret. Looking forward to hear from you guys out there Many thanks in advance
Just so you know, the vast vast majority of people on EC aren't licensed professional therapists/counsellors/psychologists/etc. There's maybe 1 or 2, and a health care specialist, but that's it. The EC Staff (Admins, Moderators, Advisors) are volunteers who help run and maintain the site. They certainly have great advice, but it isn't professional help, if that's what you're looking for. So I'd definitely keep the idea of going to counselling on the table. You already seem to think it, and I'd agree, but I think going to therapy/counselling is a good idea. Both of your addictions - the things that are causing issues in your relationship - stem from other personal issues. You can gather as much willpower as you want to resist acting on your addictions, but that doesn't solve a whole lot... you do need to get to the root of the problem. Secondly, you've gotta work on communication. I know you're scared/insecure, but you're in a relationship... you can't just hold your feelings from your partner. He's supposed to be one of the people you trust most in the world, isn't he? That's part of what a long term relationship is about - being honest. Snooping and other sneaky types of behaviour just elicits a distrustful mentality on both your parts. Thirdly, don't focus on the fact that he's younger. Normally, we'd come in here and give you a spiel about how if there's an age gap between two people, they're probably in different parts of their lives and not the best matches for each other. But you're past that, you're already in a relationship. So if it's not working, you need to bail now. Otherwise, you say you love him, so you need to focus on the fact that you're in a relationship. There's nothing I can tell you to make your insecurities go away unless you truly believe it. Again, therapy/counselling might help with that. Alternatively, if the age difference is causing this much of an issue for you, maybe you need to date someone closer to your age. Being in a LTR is hard to make work. Couple that with the fact that he's young and wants sex even more than the average young guy does, it's not gonna be easy, as you're already figuring out. You can't just keep quiet. You need to actively communicate with him. Hold Skype dates or something. Pretty much anything to remind him you're still around. I mean, what good is a monogamous LTR if you never hear from your partner? And finally, there's this block. It's great that you're willing to give up porn for your relationship, but it's his actions that are throwing up a red flag for me. I know you're trying to be considerate of him, but again, this is also YOUR relationship - take some initiative. Look at it from my perspective for a second: you're addressing your problems to make the relationship work, he's just acknowledging his and not working towards solving his problems. That's pretty indicative of selfishness to me, on some level. It tells me his fear/desire regarding his addiction is more important than your relationship. You need to let him know (again, honest communication) just how important it is to you. Yes, he needs to do it of his own free will, but that means anything short of physically forcing him to do it - if he cares about you and the relationship, the answer (although hard) should be pretty obvious to him. This could very easily be the issue that breaks a relationship, so push him a little. Don't necessarily go full-blown ultimatum on him, but he needs to know how important this is. I don't know all of his issues, because I'm not talking to him, but in short I think what you've gotta look at is your ability to communicate with him and your insecurity being in a relationship, because those are the overarching themes throughout your side of the problems. Anyways, welcome to EC! (and maybe a mod could move this to S&A)
He said it himself... he's addicted to the attention, the feeling of being wanted (even if just in a sexual way). What he's saying is that he's not getting those feelings from you. That isn't necessarily your fault. You can't give him a daily kiss/hug if he isn't around and is traveling. When I first explored m2m sex, I felt that same feeling of being wanted and desired by other guys. Yes, I know they were only looking for sex but the feeling I felt was real. And when I wasn't getting that feeling from my wife, I looked to find guys who would provide that (false) feeling. It may be that this relationship isn't meant to be. He said he loved you, but that doesn't automatically imply monogamy. And if he is a young guy, with a high libido and a need to feel wanted/desired, it just makes it tougher.
I read the whole thing carefully, and considered it from the point of view of what should be best for YOUR sake. Well, the best I could anyway. Because I believe that in life/relationships, you ought to be selfish. Nobody's going to die for you when time comes, so you should live your life how you want to while you're alive. In this regard, being in that relationship with that boy makes you feel good. It makes you feel alive; he's a pillar for you. You used to feel wonderful when you believed his words of love, and he most likely believes himself when he says them, too. Of course you can never go back to that bliss state since now you know that the truth is less than perfect, but is it a truth you can live with? Assuming that no matter how hard he tries he won't change deeply; he's a polygamist. That means that if you force monogamy on him, he won't be happy. Going to a counselor may help your communication skills to improve which should make you feel even better. Who knows, you may even get some very helpful insight! But what I suggest for your addiction and everything that bothers you is to keep busy, focus on YOU instead. Find activities that you may end up loving, where you meet people who have something in common with you. Socialize just to socialize, make new friends maybe? Anything that can help you feel better in your skin WILL help your relationship; I promise!
