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Please help me understand, my girlfriend just came out and I can't believe it

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by deepxoblivion, Jul 27, 2012.

  1. deepxoblivion

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    Please help me understand this, because I can't. First some backstory:

    My (ex) girlfriend has always represented herself as being 'pansexual' and would frequently say things like "I'm basically a lesbian" in that she had a strong preference for women, but she found herself attracted to certain guys. She said that this all started when she was younger after she was sexually assaulted and she found comfort and safety being in the presence of other women and not with men, but that before that she is reasonably sure that she was straight. Whenever I would question her as to why she was with me, she would always say that I was very special to her and she just felt herself naturally drawn to me sexually and emotionally, and that she had never felt so comfortable with anyone, man or woman, before, and that I was the only one that she didn't feel embarassed to be seen naked around, etc. And that I made her feel so happy in ways she couldn't describe and so on and so forth. She was also the aggressor, she was the one that came on to me, not the other way around.

    So, we were together for a few months and things were okay, but she was suffering from seasonal depression (she gets really down in the winter, doesn't help that in our part of the northeast winter means the skies are grey and lifeless). Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and then not long afterwards, both her aunt and uncle with whom she is very close were diagnosed as well but were in far worse condition. This sent her reeling and she nearly killed herself, I had to call the police to stop her (we are long distance, about a 2-3 hour drive). I convinced her to see a therapist about her situation and she was prescribed anti-depressants, and for a while all was good again. Then she had her dosage changed and went through SSRI withdrawal (look it up if you don't know what that is), and became a beast of a woman.

    She went from this incredible person to a "dirty slut that is destined to destroy herself with sex and drugs". The person she became for that month or so was not at all the girl I had fallen in love with. Basically ALL of her inhibitions had been stripped away, she engaged in risky behaviors, became a nympho, cheated on me, started doing drugs and saying and doing things she would never do, and so on and so forth and it was basically just raw primal instinct. As Freud might say, she was pure id. Needless to say it was a very hard time for me but I stuck with her and tried to look out for her as best as I could. And I think her behavior during this time is very telling, she lacked inhibitions, but her sexual attractions and preferences were very much oriented more towards men. She made out with a girl and engaged in some bdsm play with women, no sex. She had sex with at least one man that I know of and dated several more. She told me she hadn't been in love with me for months, and so many other things and just made me feel like absolute trash. She demanded an open relationship, and when I tried to meet her half way and allow her to be with women, she insisted that she be allowed to sleep with men as well. Eventually I snapped and had had enough, and confronted her, she broke up with me.

    After some time, her withdrawal symptoms wore off, and she balanced out and calmed down, and she realized what she had become and what she had done. She started coming on to me again, and I tried pushing her away, still angry and hurt. She took all my shit like a champ, and kept coming back for more. Eventually, she asked me to meet up with her and her friend in the city for a few minutes as she was in the area. I agreed. I met up with her and her first reaction was to wrap her arms and around me and bury her face into my chest and try to choke back tears. After a few minutes I tried pushing her off, and she would NOT let go. She would grab my arms, my hands, my backpack straps, anything she could hold on to. She begged my forgiveness, she said she was so sorry, she wished she had realized earlier what I meant to her, and that I was her prince and all she wanted was me and she wished she could hold on to me and never let me go again, and that it was her mistake to let me go in the first place and all these things and when her friend wasn't paying attention she would whisper into my ear all the things she wanted to do to me sexually and she would grab my ass and try to grab my crotch, etc. When it came time for me to leave, I had to again try to pry her off me, which she eventually did willingly though not before kissing me. She also told me she was basically head over heels for me (which she would later deny saying) and that she wished I would be hers forever. She also told me she could not remember a lot of what she said and did to me during that month from hell, and that it wasn't true and that she really did love me, and so on and so forth.

    I agreed to give her another chance because she begged me to, and because she seemed like she was okay now and that she no longer had issues. She invited me to her house to meet her parents and her family (aunts, uncles, cousins, close friends), we had an amazing time together. In her own words, she had never felt so happy in her life. She was also extremely sexual, I could NOT keep up with her. She would attempt to feel me up or go down on me even when her parents were around. She orgasmed numerous times while we were together (she did not fake it, I know what the physical response of an orgasm looks and feels like). At one point we were sitting on her porch cuddled up, and the topic turned to teasing one another sexually (not physically but mentally/verbally). She took my hand and put it under her skirt, her panties were completely soaked through. She told me that she got that way every time she thought of me and the things she wanted to do to me (she has told me some very nice fantasies about me too...), and that nobody else could make her feel the same way. She told me she was so glad that her entire family absolutely loved me and that she wanted me to be a part of her family. She told me that she couldn't wait to cuddle up in my lap as I drank a beer and watched games on the tv with her dad, and so on and so forth. She wouldn't say she loved me again, but I understood that she wasn't ready to. She asked me to come back to see her again the following weekend, but then realized that wouldn't work as she would be visiting a friend of hers (who is herself a lesbian), so rescheduled for this weekend.

    So the week goes on, and she is seemingly totally crazy about me, we talked constantly every day. She couldn't wait to see me again, would tell me she missed me numerous times a day, she would tease me sexually and I her. The weekend comes and she stopped talking to me. Basically things started going the same way they did when she went through her SSRI withdrawal (scary thing, the dates on the calendar match up too, substitute july for april and it all went almost exactly the same way). After a few days of no contact I asked her if everything was okay, she insisted there was nothing wrong. We started talking again but I could tell something was different.

    Finally Tuesday she told me that she was gay, and she was so sorry it took her this long to figure out and begged my forgiveness. She said that when she was with her friend she saw how happy she was being out and everything and she wanted to be out too and not afraid to be herself anymore. Needless to say I did not react well and said some horrible things to her which I regret. Once she stopped being mad at me, we had a long talk, she said she did and does still feel for me emotionally and sexually but that she had forced herself into feeling that way (how???!?) and that eventually she would numb to the feeling, she also said that she could see us getting married in the future (we had never discussed marriage, I had only mentioned that for a time I thought she would be the woman i would marry and this was her response to me), and that it feels like what she should do, but she has to be "true to herself" and so on. I talked with her friend that she was with that day in the city (the only other person she has come out to thus far, besides her parents and brother), and (perhaps it was bad of me to say this) I said, "I don't really believe she is a lesbian." Her friends response (she has known her for many many years) was "Oh thank god I'm not the only one." We discussed it and she said she has never seen my ex respond the way she did in the city to anyone before, and the way she talked about me, etc. was genuine and it wasn't just a cover up, etc. She also explained to me more about my ex's past and how every so often she would have an identity crisis and do things like this...

    When they first met she pretended she was an 18 year old French girl (she was only 12 at the time) that couldn't speak a word of English, and at different times she has pretended to be different ages, different nationalities, and different people. And that she would legitimately believe that these things were real for a couple months before snapping back to reality. She also said that my ex frequently misinterprets what she is feeling and other things in her life and convinces herself that things are one way when they really are not, and that she will frequently say things like the things she is telling me now regarding her continuing feelings for me, etc. not realizing that they are contradictory to what she believes and would form a logical argument to disprove her beliefs. In short she is psychologically damaged by her childhood and her assault and other things, and she is still trying to find herself and what makes her happy, and this is going to be a repeat of what she did to me in May. She said that from what she had gathered, though they wouldn't openly admit to it, her parents and brother thought the same (that she wasn't really a lesbian), but nobody will say this to her just in case they are wrong or this seriously makes her happy and she sticks with it, as they want to be supportive, etc. In any case, her friend said that based on what she knows of my ex and her past, and the way she talked about me and behaved around me (again having been friends for many years) this is pretty much completely out of left field and a total surprise, especially given what happened the day we met up in the city, but she wouldn't be surprised (and somewhat expects) if she changes her mind in a month or two.

    So, I am asking you, people that have experienced life in the closet, what to make of all this. How can she say, even after coming out of the closet that she is attracted to me and has feelings for me and can see us married. How could she tell me all these wonderful things were and are real (she insists that she really did feel happy and comfortable to be with me and wanted desperately to get back together with me and it wasn't just an act). How could she be so AROUSED by me to the point she would beg me for more, and tell me that despite my relative inexperience I was "so very good at what I do" (she was insistent that she was being sincere about this as well) and be a lesbian? How can she be a lesbian when a little over a week ago, I told her I was having trouble trusting her and getting back together with her because I was afraid I would get hurt again, her response was "Really? It comes so easily and naturally to me! But I understand, you're just being rational and looking out for yourself, I'll convince you that I am being true to you with time." How could she be a lesbian, when back in May she was so insistent about keeping multiple partners including (and indeed showing a strong preference for) men. She did say that she found sex with me somewhat painful and this was her evidence for her being a lesbian, this I knew, but that’s because I am somewhat thick and she is very, very tight (her one female sexual partner in the past who has very petite fingers wasn't able to put more than one finger in her either, let alone penetrate her with an average sized toy), and she always was insistent that I was the only guy she had this issue with. Now she has started saying (much like how she started saying she wasn't in love with me back in May) that she has always found sex painful with every man was with and she didn't have this issue with women (which is bullshit based on her past experiences). Regardless though, I don’t see how pain during sex correlates with being a lesbian, I could understand if it was an issue of lubrication, but it most certainly is NOT when her panties are completely soaking through without me so much as touching her. She has asked me to stay in her life as a friend, and told me that to her I am family and she needs me in her life, etc. but she has all but stopped talking to me and told me she doesn't want to see me again this weekend, and I can't get any sort of explanation of all this from her really, both because she doesn't know what to say to me (her words) and because everything she is telling me is contradictory (my words), let alone the fact that she won't speak to me.

    Personally, I think she had it right when she said she was pansexual, but I am obviously biased and in denial (I'm heartbroken again, for the second time in 2 or 3 months, and this time its worse than the first) and don't know what she is going through or what to make of it. I am hoping that you can hopefully make sense of it, and offer me your opinion on the matter. Is she really a lesbian, or just confused? I believe that actions speak louder than words and her actions suggest to me that she is anything but, but that could be wishful thinking on my part. I ask that you try to eliminate your own biases in analyzing this situation. I understand it's difficult to offer a fair assessment without seeing this all for yourselves, but please try to speak based on your own personal experiences. Were you able to truly fall in love with someone of the opposite sex and be so aroused by them and seemingly enjoy it? Were you able to "force yourself" to be into it and enjoy it and to love someone? Help me make sense of how all these seemingly real signs that she really did love me and had an attraction to me can exist when she is defining herself with a label that would indicate that none of this is seemingly possible? Do you agree that she isn't (or that there is a remote chance that she isn't) gay based on the evidence I have given you, or is this fairly typical for someone who is closeted? I was always under the impression that there is a line that won't be crossed for someone in the closet, that they might pretend to be straight, etc. but there is a line, a mental block if you will, that prevents them from truly feeling for someone of the opposite sex or becoming sexually aroused, that they simply can't exhibit the amount of passion that she has shown me, not to mention her persistence that all she said to me was true and real (but only because she somehow convinced herself it was). I am of the opinion that you can't force yourself to love someone... maybe I was wrong?

    Obviously, I am trying my best to put on a brave face and be accepting and supportive, but this is not easy for me to swallow at all.
     
  2. stumble along

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    Wow, I can't imagine how stressful this situation is for everyone involved. I haven't gone through what she has went through but from my view it looks like that she is faking one of the two responses (one being actually loving you and the other being a lesbian) but I think you are right that this is another one of those phases and that hopefully it will pass soon enough.
    Hang in there
     
  3. Revan

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    First off I have to say that you are an amazing man and a definitely wonderful partner to whomever you end up with. And while I can understand some may or may not like what I have to say, yourself included, but based on what you've experienced with her, personally this may be the time to let her go. I realize this may not be what you want to hear, and there is no requirement that you must follow it, but I just feel she is almost constantly causing problems then reeling you in to comfort her because it almost seems like she knows she has that power over you. I know there may be feelings of guilt, anxiety, etc but if you keep doing this returning to her or what not if it is a phase, you're just going to have to deal with that time and time again. I honestly don't think this is going to change (her behaviour, not necessarily her being a "lesbian") and it's potentially at some point going to drive you insane.

    But whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

    As for accepting her "lesbianity" well, it takes time, but just be open to it. Or like I said, just leave.
     
  4. SohoDreamer

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    Wow, I read your whole story and you're a great guy for sticking beside her throughout all of this. She sounds really manipulative. And, also, she sounds like a dreamer. I know because I have had similar impulses to her. She's more extreme than me, but nevertheless.

    I don't think you should hang on to her any more man. You sound like a much more stable person than her, and I'm sure that, even though you love her, you would be so much happier with someone more sure of themselves. Love may require compensation, but it shouldn't be so painful.

    If you truly feel you would be most happy with her, then tell her how she has messed around with your feelings. Tell her EXACTLY how you feel and do not hold back for one second. But, I really think you would be better off with someone else.
     
  5. lilbitlost

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    Does she see a therapist or a counsellor of some sort? Because from what you said about her past changing monthly as to who she thought she was/is she could really do with talking to a professional.

    As to some of your questions about lesbianism, ill try and answer a few from my experiences.

    Truly able to fall in love? - No, there was always something missing, i couldnt tell you what at the time.

    Aroused? - Yes to an extent. I found sex to be enjoyable, but that was about it. Rarely would i say it was good, very few orgasms. I rarely was the one to initiate sex and i would quickly get bored of it. Never wanted to experiment.


    As to her reasons for being a lesbian that you stated, they all seem very sex related. I dont consider myself a lesbian because i dont enjoy sex with men, i consider myself one because the thought of settling with a man terrorfies the living daylights out of me, because i dont want to cuddle and be close to a man, i dont want to be with a man. Now a woman on the other hand, heh well, just the thought of one makes me go all tingly.
    However stating the reasons why you think you are gay/bi/pan is difficult, my mind was a total mess of incoherant thoughts/ponderings and although that is starting to settle down i still wouldnt say im very eloquent in saying it.

    For your ex id recommend just waiting and seeing what happens. Or just let it be and move on. I dont know if this has helped any...


    *edit* oh i should explain my history a little; i presumed i was straight for most of my adult life, dated men, even got a kid. Went through every reason under the sun as to why i wasnt happy with my relationships until i finally realised about 3 months back that im a lesbian (im a bit slow lol).
     
    #5 lilbitlost, Jul 27, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2012
  6. deepxoblivion

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    Stumble- I agree, i'm not sure which response she is faking but they both cannot be legitimate to my rational logical and sane mind. I'd like to think that the physiological response (arousal) would be the clearest indicator, but she could just be really good at faking or i just dont understand sexuality as well as i think I do.

    Revan- I don't know what I did to deserve such accolades, in truth I feel like a door mat, but thank you. I agree with you as do my friends and family, she is using me as an emotional safety net, both times this thing happened, was right after she met new people/became better acquainted with people she didnt know all that well, feels like as soon as she sees something she is attracted to she runs toward it instinctively, leaving me hanging and left behind. Like nothing will ever be enough for her, shes always going to want more, and then after some time when that new thing isnt quite so shiny she will move on or move back to an older pursuit. Problem is, she is the only person (male or female, family or friend) that ive really ever connected with my entire life and the only person ive really loved. I have plenty of friends.... but i always feel lonely when im with them, w. Her i didnt have that problem, i feel alone without her and thats why i stick around, dunno if i can connect that way with another, and loneliness is my biggest fear.

    Soho- i agree, but see above. How do i walk away from her when she is the only truly meaningful thing ive had in my life? My heart and mind tell me shes the one even though i know shes going hurting me... i usually go with my gut but that can only see a couple weeks ahead it seems...

    ---------- Post added 27th Jul 2012 at 06:28 PM ----------

    Lilbitlost- yes, she just started w a new therapist actually, though i doubt it will be helpful, she tends to withold information.... you sound a bit like her in a way though regarding your orientation. She apparently numbs to the feeling of love (supposedly, though even when she fell out of love with me she would insist that she did still love me but it felt different in that it wasnt the burning desire that it had been in the past) though the only two people she will ever say she has been 'in love' with are male. As for sex she claimed she orgasmd almost every time and im inclined to believe her as she would always initiate and talk of trying new things, but she did say a couple times she would become impatient if a guy took too long to finish (ostensibly because she liked the feeling of it and knowing she caused it and the power it gave her) but she would always be ready for another go unless she was too sore. As for cuddling, she apparently loved cuddling with me and i made her feel more secure than anyone else supposedly, and she would always comment about how incredibly sensual i was as i would stroke her hair or lightly run my fingertips over her skin and it made her feel good, etc. When we were together she was inseperable from me, she latched on and would not be apart.

    ---------- Post added 27th Jul 2012 at 06:28 PM ----------

    Lilbitlost- yes, she just started w a new therapist actually, though i doubt it will be helpful, she tends to withold information.... you sound a bit like her in a way though regarding your orientation. She apparently numbs to the feeling of love (supposedly, though even when she fell out of love with me she would insist that she did still love me but it felt different in that it wasnt the burning desire that it had been in the past) though the only two people she will ever say she has been 'in love' with are male. As for sex she claimed she orgasmd almost every time and im inclined to believe her as she would always initiate and talk of trying new things, but she did say a couple times she would become impatient if a guy took too long to finish (ostensibly because she liked the feeling of it and knowing she caused it and the power it gave her) but she would always be ready for another go unless she was too sore. As for cuddling, she apparently loved cuddling with me and i made her feel more secure than anyone else supposedly, and she would always comment about how incredibly sensual i was as i would stroke her hair or lightly run my fingertips over her skin and it made her feel good, etc. When we were together she was inseperable from me, she latched on and would not be apart.