Any advice or words of wisdom

Some background first. I am an identical twin, the oldest by 6 minutes. I have always been a tomboy, more comfortable in baggy jeans, t-shirts and baseball caps. It’s always been a fight to get me to wear girly clothes, make-up or anything that expresses my femininity. I spent my youth hunting, fishing, camping and climbing trees and anything that put me outdoors or with my father. I even used to say my nickname was Mike.

I don’t know is if this behavior was there all along or if it started with the abuse. As my life progressed my dress continued to be as above. When I hit high school things didn’t change but I started becoming more aware that I was different than the other kids. I don’t mean sexual orientation at this point either. There were no openly gay or lesbian students in the school at this time either. I was just not interested in dating or having sex with anyone in the school. I had few friends that didn’t adopt me into their group because of being my sister’s friends. (My own friends were the school “bad kids”). As I go closer to graduation things started to make sense as in why I might feel so different. My sister’s boyfriends begin questioning them about me being gay or not. This was the first time it entered my head that this was something possible.

Now it’s been many year’s since I have graduated and still people question me or those around me all the time. My family likes to joke that they keep telling me I am gay but I am in denial. (My uncle is gay and is out to all except his mother). My family is very supportive, but they can take things to far too. I have a picture of my best friend and me on Christmas day and we are sitting in front of the Christmas tree. Both wearing jeans and plaid shirts and I have my ball cap on. This was taken right around or just after graduation. My mother loves to say she should have known then I was gay cause of that picture. To make things more interesting my three best friends are lesbians. I have been told a few times that one twin is almost always gay, and since my twin is obviously not …. I must be. This has always been at the back of my mind. It’s starting to wear at me.

My two best friends are in a committed relationship with each other. Whenever I go to the clubs with them they introduce me to their friends and say “she doesn’t know if she is gay” always get a response back of “honey, yes you are” it’s become a running joke among us all. I have no problem going to the gay bars and I even dance with my friends there.

I have only ever been with guys, and to be honest it’s not great. Although I don’t know if that’s due to my abuse or because they are guys. When I go out I can pick guys out to my family, but it almost feels like I have too or its expected. My eyes do go to women, but I don’t say anything of course. I am not sure if my eyes naturally go there or if I am checking them out to see if there is a reaction.

I know life would be easier if I was straight, and I have already had fights and issues do to my perceived sexuality. I sometimes wonder if all the jokes and the problems I have had is making this harder for me to figure things out.

So, do I question because I am confused or do I question because so many others have questioned?

Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated….

 

I have never really lusted after anyone before of either gender. There was one woman who just had some kind of pull for me though. I don't know why and I can't really say I wanted to sleep with her, but I got tingles in my stomach when ever I talked to her. It's kinda stranger its been 2 years since she left the company and I can still feel those tingles when I think about her.

I wondered about being asexual, but I didn't know if that was a real thing or not.