I really need to get all of this out of my system. I’ve been seeing a therapist since last December and I’ve discussed my sexuality with him a few times,, however I can never seem to answer his questions on “gender identity”. Perhaps someone here can shed some more light on this for me, as I don’t quite understand it. Outside of that, there are times I feel so alone and need someone, but most times I quickly get over that. For some reason, this doesn’t seem to be one of those times. I went to have one of my… you know, “private moments”, when I stumbled across a couple of movies. They are romantic comedies, and boy were they funny haha. But other than that, a couple of spots in each one actually made me realize just how alone I am. The problem I’m having is that the gay scene isn’t big where I’m from, and quite frankly, I don’t really trust a lot of people here. For instance, I went and messed around with a guy one night, and a few months later, this guy is talking to me and says he knew I fooled with that guy that night. So that told me that nothing here is kept a secret and because of that, I haven’t been with a guy in that way since last April (2011). I’m not ashamed of myself. I just don’t want certain people finding out about me. Though if I’m asked about it, I have no choice but to answer with the truth as there’s no way around it. Since last April (2011), I’ve turned down so many “invites” as I feared that it would be spread around. I’ve even refused to join the local LGBT Alliance for the same reason and people would just start assuming. Every guy I’ve been with, or at least talked to, are all connected to each other. Bottom line is, I just feel very alone and I find it's getting a bit worse. Am I doing anything wrong? Am I doing the right thing? Do I need to make another appointment with my therapist? Do you agree with all or some of what I’ve said? Do I need to get out of this area? Any help is gratefully appreciated.
First of all, definitely make an appointment with your therapist if you think it will help. What's your discussion with him on gender identity about? As far as the dating...gay communities can be like that in small towns, I've run into a bit of it myself. On the other hand, if one guy you were with turned out to be inconsiderate, try (as much as you can anyways) not to lay that at everyone else's feet. There are probably several other gay men in your area who feel the same way you do - how do you meet these people and/or receive these "invites"? Maybe the secret is just to meet people in a different place, or a different way. What would everyone "assume" if you joined a local LGBT group? I'm just wondering cause it says you're out to family and friends. And a word about romantic comedies - worst movie choice ever if you're already feeling lonely. Not only does it make us feel even more lonely, it creates the impression that everyone out there has relationships and they're all just like that. But that narrative arc is precisely that - just a story. Not like real life, at least not in most cases. So, no, you're not doing anything wrong. Being lonely just happens. (*hug*)
I'm not sure what it's about. I see it as a line (ex. straight at the start, bi in the middle, and gay at the end). Right now I just see myself at the very end of that line. As for the refusal to join an LGBT group... Yes, I am out to my family and just a very few people that I know. As I've stated, I don't trust a lot of people here. And isn't that how rumours (true or false) get started? When they find out that you joined a certain group? People here just automatically assume almost everything.
Well, I mean, what kinds of questions is your therapist asking you? I suppose I can understand the fear of rumors, public reputation, etc. Might joining such a group out you to a few people? Possibly. But in my experience, the only stuff that's hard to deal with comes, potentially, from the people who are closest to you - family, friends, etc. If some jerk on the street wants to make fun of me, it might suck, but it's not going to bother me long term. If my dad (hypothetically speaking) had a problem with me, though, that's a different story.
I've been bullied practically all my life, and being 20 years old goin on 21, I just can't face it again. I was always bullied for what I liked.
