Thoroughly Baffled...

Please read - I could really use some advice on this…I don’t want to be confused by this anymore. I want to figure it out and leave the confusion behind me. If this matter cannot be “figured out,” then I would at least like to be comfortable in my own head and not confounded with thoughts of where my place is in the spectrum of gender and sexuality.

It has been quite some time that I’ve been confused about where I fall in respect to gender and sexuality.

Both quite thoroughly baffle me. I happily identify as female, but not on every point. It was suggested that I am “gender-queer” and I feel that possibly that is an accurate assessment. Sometimes I feel more male in personality/actions. I am a tomboy. My clothing choices lean more toward androgynous though I will sometimes wear a dress or skirt should the occasion call for such. I have recently started to wear men’s trunk underwear because I do not feel comfortable whilst wearing traditional female underwear (it is more of a comfort factor than anything else). I have short hair and have for quite a number of years. Depending on the day and how I am dressed, I might be referred to as “sir” and it has never bothered me. If I am called, “sir,” and I should happen to be out with a friend, I feel self-conscious that they might have heard and might tease me about it later or something like that. I have recently found the "chest-dysphoria" and I believe it describes quite well how I feel about being female and having a female chest. I wish to have a flat male chest. I feel quite awkward having a female chest (quite small as far as that goes) and will usually try to wear clothes and compression bras in a certain way so that my chest might appear as pecs rather than a female chest. I know a binder would make it easier, but at the end of the day...I just want the female chest gone and a flat male chest in its place. Top surgery is always an option, but it would be difficult and expensive. Not sure that is the route I would choose to take right now...maybe in the late future.

I do not feel that I am attracted sexually to either male or female. In plain speak; the idea of having sex with either is not high on my list of priorities. It is just something of which I have never had a deep desire. I connect well with males and females. I did at one point, not terribly long ago, think that I was a lesbian due to an old friend (out-lesbian) telling me that I had many characteristics of a lesbian (I think she was going on stereotypes) and that if I were a lesbian that she would like very much to go out with me. She persisted and I continued to resist. Eventually she gave up…

I have not had any boyfriends, but have had some nice mates from school ask me out on friendly dates, to which I obliged. I am not opposed to having a boyfriend, but I am opposed to having a girlfriend. I cannot see myself having a long-term relationship with a woman like I can for a man. But as I said before, I just do not see myself as physically attracted to either sex…emotionally attracted maybe, but I do not care for the physical relationship.

I do not know what to think about this anymore or if I should just not think about it and carry on being myself and not worrying about such matters. I will go from thinking I have it figured out to attempting to ignore the confused thoughts to being quite upset at my inability to understand where I fall in the world of gender and sexuality.

Nobody knows I struggle with such things, but I know that should I figure this out and feel the need to come out as whatever it is I am, that my friends would support me and I love them for that. I love who I am (though having a male chest would be quite nice), though sometimes and never for too long a time, it makes me sad.

Does any of that make sense or am I homeless in the land of gender and sexuality...

[Deaf Not Blind]

i dont post threads anymore.
but ill make exception for u.

if you want me to tell u my opinion based on this or what other stuff u said id be glad to privately on pm of facebook.
then nobody will see it.
ifff u want it public i will here.

if not is cool.

[kitsune309]

That makes sense to me. I think to understand your gender (since you sound pretty sure of your sexuality), you should look into the reasons why you don't like your chest. Is it because breasts are too feminine, or because breasts are sexualized, or because breasts are inconvenient? There are a lot of different reasons why you could want them gone. I think finding out why would be the best indicator. Because any reason could have a different meaning. You could be an androgynous woman who really doesn't want anything to do with sexuality, or you could be someone who is right in the middle of the gender spectrum and would rather have your body reflect the halfway-ness, or you could be an androgynous woman who hates having to wear bras and take care of the blasted things. Or you could be anything else. You always have a home, don't worry. You just have to learn your address.