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Nervous like crazy...how to play it cool?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by musikk021, Jul 28, 2012.

  1. musikk021

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    I've been doing an internship this summer and my last day is coming up. My supervisor sent out a lunch invitation to me and the people I've been working with so we can go out and eat on my last day. Problem is, I'm super shy and have social anxiety; this whole summer, I've dodged every lunch invite and hid in a cubicle and did my own thing. I'm doing excellent work and they even want to hire me, but I completely fail at interpersonal skills.

    I've been working with the most outgoing people in the office, all of whom are young (late 20s early 30s), attractive straight girls. They're a tightly knit group of friends who just chat and joke around all day long in the office. I, being the super shy and gay one, just don't fit in, and I feel awkward around them. Ever since I got the lunch invitation yesterday, I've been nervous out of my mind about it. I'm going to feel and look so stupid going out with these girls.

    What can I do? :icon_redf
     
  2. Sanssouci

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    You're not going to look stupid going out with those girls. That's your social anxiety telling you that, and it's not true. I'm sorry I can't be of much help except recommend a book that I know helped my sister a lot with social anxiety with some cognitive behavioural techniques.

    For myself, I have never read the book (so take my recommendation with a pinch of salt!), but I have dyspraxia, which affects my social interactions. What helps me, sometimes, is to imagine things in context. Don't worry if you haven't/don't say anything - they haven't noticed. They're not watching you, and they're not judging you. You say they want to hire you - in that case, they know exactly what they're getting and you have already met their expectations. You don't need to prove anything to them. The lunch is not some sort of test. What helps sometimes is to imagine if someone was behaving as I was behaving, how I would react. If someone was quiet, would I be thinking negatively of them? Definitely not, so why would anyone else?

    I don't know how useful that is for you, but the sensation I am being constantly judged and tested is very common for me. I hope this helps a little bit.
     
  3. Martee

    Martee Guest

    If to you, it is seriously debilitating to attend these social events, maybe try pretending you're in a play and have to "act." Anything you can do to get through the lunch without feeling/appearing uncomfortable. Usually the more you do something new the easier it gets as you go along. To survive in the professional world, you will eventually need decent interpersonal skills to get along with clients or even just to survive office politics. Since you are young, it is still new to you and you have time to work on it :wink:

    I can understand your trepidation of such social gatherings especially those with co-workers and not being out. Try to focus on having fun and offering appropriate comments to the conversation. If you look uncomfortable everyone will pick up on it...just take a few deep breaths, drink some water, and don't OVERTHINK THIS! You'll be fine.

    Let them see your personality...you can do that without being out to them :slight_smile:
     
  4. musikk021

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    Sanssouci, thank you so much for your answer! What you've said actually really makes me feel better. I'm always in my head, so my negativity and anxiety is all I know. Getting someone else's opinion puts things into perspective a little more. You're right - I've been there for 2 months already, so they know what I'm like. They wouldn't expect me to suddenly become a social butterfly for this lunch outing. I do sometimes try to think of how I would react if someone was behaving as I do. I imagine someone else being quiet in my group of friends and how I would feel about that person. I wouldn't judge them or think negatively of them, as you said. But then I also tell myself that I wouldn't judge them because I am them; I'm shy myself. Outgoing people sometimes don't understand shyness, as they expect everyone to be talkative and fun like they are.

    I'm just sad thinking they might've been misunderstanding my shyness for being stuck up or aloof. In fact, I really like these girls and I listen to them talking from my cubicle and I'm laughing to myself because they're always saying so many funny things. Sometimes when there aren't any empty cubicles, I have to sit with them at their table (they sit around a large table all together). They're hilarious, and I'm sitting there at the end of their table trying so hard to hold my laughs in...then I feel awkward. When I sit with them, I feel like I'm invading their space. When they're talking amongst each other, I feel like I'm not supposed to be a part of their conversation, so if I react to what they say (such as laughing) then they'll think I'm weird. It's just so uncomfortable.

    Thank you for recommending that book :thumbsup: I'm actually going to order it! I can't see a therapist, so maybe this will be my only way of helping myself out.


    Martee, thank you too for your answer! I know I'll have to try to act as calm as I can, even if it's just acting...which it will be. I have to exude the type of energy that I want them to think I have. Office politics...right :confused: I'm actually pretty good when it comes to speaking with people one on one or in a very small group. When my coworkers come up to me to give me a new assignment or ask me to do something for them, I'm alright talking to them. So if I'm being approached, I'm fine...at least more fine. However, what really sets me on edge is if I have to be the one to approach someone to ask a question or to tell them something. I can't be the initiator.

    Anyways, about the lunch thing, I'm just going to have to get through it. It's going to last about an hour or so :icon_sad: Deep breaths, drink water, and don't overthink! Gotcha :thumbsup: I'll try my best.