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First post/what to do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by anton, Jul 28, 2012.

  1. anton

    anton Guest

    Hi EC, Where to start
    I came out about 4 years ago and its been pretty smooth. Its been a pretty good 4 years, I most recently came out to my dad, which was hard to do because I was separated from him for ~10 years of my life and had no idea how'd he respond, but he was completely on board from the start. coming out to friends was no problem. In genreal I am really comfortable where I am.

    There is something missing though, I have a uneasiness about the gay community. I Find it annoying, and obsessed with sex. I feel the pain of women in clubs. 9x's out of 10 when someone approaches me it dosen't start with conversation. It usually them trying to get into my pants, which ends up with a FUCK OFF. Even when I approach people this happens to me. What happend to talking over a few drinks? I feel like everyone is more interested in meeting penis's then making new friends.

    I'm sick of the "village" scene, its just not my thing, I feel no need for this community, I feel as if i need to change who I am to fit in. I want to be able to meet new people and have a good time but my patience is running out. I have a great support group with my friends and family, and I see no need to change my personality to fit in with the crowd. People say that im not looking hard enough and that there is a population that may have similar interests as me, bring a six pack to a beach and just chilling instead of going to a club and trying to get into each other pants. But I feel like I'm chasing the holy grail cause these people are immmppposssible to find. Thanks for listening to me vent. Anyone have any advice?
     
  2. Neutrality

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    I've had good luck with just focusing on other things I enjoy..for example I play Magic the Gathering and I met a nice guy at a card tournament once. I'm not feminine or anything, so most people assume I'm straight though...so I do something like wear a pride bracelet that way if there is a nice guy there he will know it's safe to hit on me.
     
  3. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! :slight_smile:

    Congratulations on your coming out journey thus far. It's great to read that things have gone well for you.

    One thing that you could try out are LGBT support and social groups in Toronto. You might want to try out the Church Street Community Centre and perhaps try joining an activity or their support group. Although it is in the village, it would perhaps introduce you to a different side of village life as it were. If that doesn't work out, try finding LGBT or non-LGBT social groups or activity groups in which you feel you could easily fit in and get to know some people. What are some of your hobbies? Maybe try finding something that corresponds to one or two of your hobbies.
     
  4. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Stick around for a bit and I can guarantee you will see that we have people with all different kinds of interest on here and that, contrary to popular believe, not every single gay person hangs out at the club :slight_smile:

    In order to find honest relationships of any kind, the first thing you should probably do is to stop making gay clubs your only medium to find other gay people. I'm not saying that there aren't awesome people that go to clubs, but most people don't go there to make meaningful and lasting friendships.

    After that, all you have to do is search for social groups around your area that you might be interest in. For example, in my city we have jogging groups, kayaking, choir, SGAs, movie clubs, book clubs, support groups etc. If you are in a big city then there HAS to be other people looking for what you want.

    I will say though that its much easier to be completely out and just meet LGBT people in whatever activity you are doing. I know being completely out isn't for everyone or that not everyone is there yet, but just giving you another option for you. You really don't have to go to an LGBT event to meet other LGBT people. Usually if you are open you will sort of just find the other open people around you, and sometimes you will make great friendships.
     
  5. NickD

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    I feel exactly the same way. From the start, I told myself and everyone I came out to that my sexuality does not define me as a person, but rather is just another unique aspect that makes me me. I don't buy into the club scene either.

    I came out pretty recently, and am still struggling with finding my place in the "community." I'm me. I like listening to and making music, I can't dance, and I have an off-beat sense of humor, and for the life of me I just can't dress in a trendy fashion. But I won't change that.

    I guess my advice is to keep walking your own path. That may mean being alone for a bit, but when you find that true connection with a person or group, it will be a true connection. Be patient, I know we'll both get there.
     
  6. anton

    anton Guest

    Thanks for all the response guys! Wasn't expecting so many :slight_smile:

    @Neutrality & @Mirko: You bring up a good point, I should go to things that I enjoy and look from there instead of going to the gay people and looking for people who have the same intrest.

    @TheEdend: I am technically out to everyone, Im a reserved person in general and I'm not the type of person to put myself on display to strangers, I have an "ask and I'll tell you policy about my sexuality". This brings up a good point though, it has a lot to do with my struggle. The gay community tends to put everything on display, which I find intimidating because I feel an obligation to do the same. I like the idea that I don't have to go to "LGBT" events to potentially find other gay people, I guess I could try to open myself up just a bit more at my regular spots so I give off a more inviting vibe.

    @NickD: I have the same problem with "my sexuality doesn't define me" thing. from the very start I was not bothered with the fact that I was gay, but the fact that people started to categorize me and fit me into an image they had drove me nuts. When I came out to my dad, he said the best thing he could have ever said, "this doesn't change anything". We still go to pubs together, we still go to baseball games, and bitch about over priced beers, and I still have a relationship that I always had. This goes for all of my friends too, nothing ever changed. But when other gay people found out I was gay it was a nightmare. They had this idea that they had to teach me how to be gay. This seriously bothered me because I saw a double standard, the gay community tended to give off messages like "there's nothing wrong with you, your fine the way you are" and then its like, now that your out you have to conform to these standards... I thought there was nothing wrong with me? It was like I moved to another country, and needed to be taught the norms. I believe that my sexuality has very little to do with my personality, yet the gay community make its a number 1 priority.