Tollerant but Not Accepting

[kitsune309]

My parents have known I'm a lesbian for four years or more, and they never were disapproving or mean about it, but they're not out and joining PFLAG either. Whenever I try to talk to my Dad about how I feel, he always gives me the same advice.

He's fine with me liking women, but he doesn't think it's anyone's business. He thinks I shouldn't have come out to anyone, because nobody needs to know my sexual preferences besides me. He never came out as straight, so why should I need to come out as gay?

I try to explain to him that it's a big part of my identity, and that it's not about the sex but about what I think and the way I think, and he tells me that gay isn't anything but a label of sexuality and when I come out people just think of it as sexual.

He maintains, especially when I get my hair cut shorter or wear flannel, that I shouldn't work to label myself gay, because that will make me a target for homophobic people and decrease my opportunities and options in the world. I make the point that if I'm openly gay and people know it without asking, and I'm still a good person and smart and nice, people who were previously slightly biased could have the seed of the idea that gay people are just as normal and good as anyone else planted. He thinks I shouldn't stand up for gay rights because it's not my job to be a martyr. I tell him that if I don't stand up for myself, why should anyone else, and that I'm not ashamed. And he tells me he just thinks I should be discrete and only let people find out if they're close to me.

And so goes every talk we ever have about this. I don't know what to do to make him understand my point of view, and how his is valid but not necessarily correct? Any advice, please?

[Owen]

This is the view that many parents take when their kids come out. Sometimes it comes from a genuine place of worry, sometimes it's just a way for them to say, "Don't remind me that you're gay because I haven't really accepted it." It sounds like your dad falls into the first category, which is one small silver lining.

Unfortunately, it can be hard to change our parents' minds when they take an opinion because they're "worried about us". It's not going to be easy, but I think the only thing you can do at this point is to life your life the way you want to, regardless of whether your dad approves. You're 18 now, and it's no longer his place to make your decisions for you.

This will hopefully have two effects. One, it will force him to come around to that fact that you're going to live your life openly, and he just has to learn to accept it. Two, it can allay his fears when you can tell him about your experiences being out and show him that they haven't been as bad as he thought they would be.

Good luck!