Sorry to keep posting on here...

[Prometheus]

You've all been very gracious and helpful whenever I post so thank you. I'm just in a really rough spot lately, I spent the entire night dreaming saying "I'm gay, I'm gay I'm gay" in my dream, I do it awake sometimes as well just to get some sense of relief. I feel like telling others but whenever I have the minute I do I feel like retracting that statement. I constantly question my feelings, whether they are what they appear to be or something else. I have so much difficulty living in the moment, honestly if I'm gay, I just wanna be gay and get it over with, how do I accept it?? I have no idea how to be comfortable with myself. When men get too close I get extremely anxious like I'm going to kiss them or do something gay to them, I also feel like part of me subconsciously wants them to touch me, because I sometimes get a tingling sensation from touching by men, I dunno if it's in my head or if it's just cause of the anxiety but I feel extremely sensitive to men's touch. It makes me not want to be around men, as it's uncomfortable as a feeling, it's like too much. But should I be feeling that with girls? I'm more comfortable around and relate more to men socially, all my friends are guys but now it's getting difficult with the feelings of anxiety. I care more about what women think of me weirdly. Why am I almost always attracted to my friends girlfriends? Is that because I secretly am attracted to my friends? Why do I not like gay porn but love straight porn, but I feel the sensations of the woman when watching it? And when I touch a woman I feel the sensation of my touch on her? Do I want to be a woman? I know I don't feel like a woman, but maybe sexually I am. I dunno I'm very confused here. And it's difficult to come during sex and I don't want it as frequently as the women I'm with, plus I don't like morning sex, I'm anxious in the morning. So much anxiety around such a stupid issue I want to just get it over with accept myself for who I am an stop tripping, has ANYONE been through similar experiences?

[Bobbgooduk]

I think you touch on a lot of issues here:

1. You're not yet completely comfortable - you're not sure and want a 100% answer - gay or straight - when shades of variation are possible

2. You have guilt issues over "gay" - you have sensations when men touch you or get close but react negatively from fear - you "fear" you might be gay.

Some of the doubt can be settled by self-discovery - have you had any male-male sexual contact? If not, why not try it and see? It sounds like you've had male-female contact but don't feel as comfortable with it as you THINK you should.

I think, if you're not sure, there's nothing wrong with exploring and, if you find you ARE gay or bisexual, you have to be accepting of yourself - others won't accept it if you can't accept it yourself.

Good luck

[Prometheus]

I have had male on male contact, it was not good for me. But I was so anxious the whole time (I've done it twice) the second time I came but it just made me very uncomfortable. At this point, other people accepting me make no difference to me, I really couldn't give a fuck what others think, it's me who's distressing myself, but the hooking up with guys thing doesn't work for me, I don't want to do it, and when I force myself to I don't like it so I don't know what to do here

[Lad123]

Sorry to hear that its been playing on your mind everyday. I remember a few of your threads and it seems like you haven't got solved your dilemma.

Well, how about finding a date because your past two experiences involved random sex with guys so the emotional aspect was not there. Perhaps you need to develop an emotional bond with a guy first before having sex. So I recommend go on a few dates with guys to see whether that does anything for you, and if it doesn't then I have no idea

Stay strong!

[Bobbgooduk]

OK, Prometheus - you've tried MM contact AND MF contact, neither of which you found satisfying. Perhaps you're just not interested in intimate contact - there's no law that says you have to be involved in a physical relationship, or a relationship of ANY kind, if that is what you feel most confortable with.

Many of our problems as human bings come from our desire to conform to the expectations of others:

Gays worry that they will disappoint their parents because they're "expected" to marry had produce grandchildren.

Maybe you feel this pressure too, but additionally, you don't want to conform to "gay" expectations either.

If that's what you want and feel happy with, you don't owe anyone an explanation

So what if "most" people want a relationship - just do what make YOU happy.

Maybe, once the pressure of expectation is taken off you, you will relax and begin to enjoy yourself - you really have no-one else to please but yourself.

[enenigmaffx]

You've all been very gracious and helpful whenever I post so thank you. I'm just in a really rough spot lately,

That’s why I’m here too. I don’t know next to anyone here but they’ve been awesome all the way

I spent the entire night dreaming saying "I'm gay, I'm gay I'm gay" in my dream, I do it awake sometimes as well just to get some sense of relief. I feel like telling others but whenever I have the minute I do I feel like retracting that statement.

I do that a lot too. I always question whether I want to tell people or not. It’s up to you dude, don’t let being gay, straight or bisexual make you tell anyone. You can only tell people who you are comfortable who you are but sooner or later, someone will want to know. I have had that issue of wanting not to tell anyone but I’ve come to realise that it is my friends and family I care about. They can know but only if they want/need to know.

I constantly question my feelings, whether they are what they appear to be or something else.
Same here, I can be a very analytical type when it comes to my feelings. It sucks because you think you might be on a false feeling or thought but it’s like, neup that’s how it is. You need time, just like I need time to accept who I am fully.
I don’t think you need to worry about whether they are true or not. An easy way I do it is, ask myself: is it important that I need to feel ‘gay’ or feel ‘unhappy’ or is it better to just ‘feel’ these feelings as a human being and don’t attribute value to it. I got really interested in Stoicism as a child so xD that’s why I’m saying that.

I have so much difficulty living in the moment, honestly if I'm gay, I just wanna be gay and get it over with, how do I accept it??
Hey you’re in the same boat as me. I don’t really like assessing myself as bisexual. Sometimes I wish I was just asexual xD but you now what, it’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with feeling like that.
If you really want to accept it, it needs to come from your heart. If you don’t feel ready accepting it, then don’t. I went from straight, asexual, homosexual, to bisexual in a span of four years. I still can’t believe how I am but you know what, it’s okay.
If you can accept yourself for being different than others or having a specific attribute, in my family… mine is being overly joking in serious situations (it’s more of a defensive mechanism), they can accept it. I can but I can’t always. It’s okay! I feel you and it sucks not being able to get over it.

I have no idea how to be comfortable with myself.
Preaching to the choir again… xD umm, I’m never fully comfortable with myself but I realised that I can’t change myself. I have to accept the way I am. My boyfriend taught me a lot over the few months we have been together. He said, you know what… it sucks feeling different but I have learned to accept myself by not caring about what others think. I’ve learn to respect what they believe and feel but I am who I am.

When men get too close I get extremely anxious like I'm going to kiss them or do something gay to them, I also feel like part of me subconsciously wants them to touch me, because I sometimes get a tingling sensation from touching by men, I dunno if it's in my head or if it's just cause of the anxiety but I feel extremely sensitive to men's touch. It makes me not want to be around men, as it's uncomfortable as a feeling, it's like too much.
Again, STOP reading into me xD I feel that way with any guy or girl. I’m very affection-averse unless I know the person or feel comfortable. Some of my friends say I’m overly affectionate but they are more-or-less accepting.
I get the feeling when I’m holding a male friend that I’m safer, but I know very well, it’s just a psychological attribution to who I care about and what I care about the person.

But should I be feeling that with girls? I'm more comfortable around and relate more to men socially, all my friends are guys but now it's getting difficult with the feelings of anxiety.
No, you don’t need to be feeling this way. Attraction can happen in so many ways. I’m not talking about romantic attraction, I’m just talking about that kinship you get when you find someone you care about.
I never knew my boyfriend was gay (friend at the time), and I felt close to him because he talked to me, treated me like a human being and made me feel self-conscious (in good humour) all the time.

I care more about what women think of me weirdly. Why am I almost always attracted to my friends girlfriends? Is that because I secretly am attracted to my friends?
I see a connection to your next statement. I used to identify myself as the girl in the situation but eh, it’s just a feeling of closeness you want. You’re not necessarily attracted to your friend but I think you should look closely at why you look at them first. Maybe it’s because you have a kinship with your friends and that she is another piece of their life. Maybe not…

Why do I not like gay porn but love straight porn, but I feel the sensations of the woman when watching it? And when I touch a woman I feel the sensation of my touch on her?
In regards to the first statement, when I was questioning whether I was straight or not… I used to watch straight porn only. That being said, I don’t think it’s a determining factor of whether you’re gay or not. Some gay guys don’t even like porn (I can bet you at least one doesn’t ) As I said in the previous statement, I feel like the girl in many situations. You could be bisexual and enjoy both the company of men and women sexually. So don’t feel uneasy about looking at both types of porn, make sure it doesn’t become an addiction though. I know it feels 

Do I want to be a woman? I know I don't feel like a woman, but maybe sexually I am. I dunno I'm very confused here.
I think gender identity (What you’re describing) and sexual identity are related but not connected, you can definitely identify with a person (either guy or girl) in any situation. Think about it, have you ever felt like you wanted to be ‘that guy’ in any situation? If so, you’re just experiencing another manifestation of this but this time with a girl.
I fought with my gender identity too. I used to want guys to date me (as me being a girl) but then I realised: that’s not who I am. I am a male, but I certainly may exhibit androgynous stereotypical traits at time. Doesn’t make me any less of a male, just makes me different from a stereotypical guy.
I think it will take time for you to feel secure as a male (it took me a few years to realise I was a male) if you feel strongly about your gender identity being ambiguous but hey, you never know! You could be a transsexual… but you know what, that’s up to you to discover and believe. I’d say find some time to go back to your hobbies and have fun with them.

And it's difficult to come during sex and I don't want it as frequently as the women I'm with, plus I don't like morning sex, I'm anxious in the morning.
I’m still a virgin, so I don’t know. Anxiety usually messes with you all around so all I can say, you don’t have to interpret a few problems with sexual performance as equating to homosexuality. If you really feel distraught, talk to your doctor about it and maybe he’ll recommend a therapist that may be able to assist you. Depending on your age, I’d say give it some time .

So much anxiety around such a stupid issue I want to just get it over with accept myself for who I am an stop tripping, has ANYONE been through similar experiences?

it's not stupid, it's something you're going to get used to with time =]
I’m definitely not someone who has been there done all that I can only hope the best in ya!

[Prometheus]

I don't think I'm asexual as I have been fully satisfied by sex before (with a woman) I just don't know why it's only sometimes and not constantly, perhaps I get too in my head? In regards to the "I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay" thing, it's less of me questioning whether to tell people and more of me trying to take the fear out of the idea. And with my gender identity I dont "feel" like a woman in everyday life, I don't want to be a woman, I'm actually naturally very masculine, but I feel like I'm a woman when watching porn or I'm in the place of the woman, its very strange. I have absolutely no desire to form a romantic bond with a man either, so Im a little iffy about dating, but if that's what I have to do to figure shit out I will

[enenigmaffx]

could be a matter of the girl you're with. Not all women can be satisfying for every man.

It's possible you're over analysing it but eh, it happens to the best of it.

As to your comment about masculinity, if you're fine with being a guy then be a guy!

@ comment about being the women... maybe you identify with the girl in porn and perhaps have a exclusively sexual attraction towards male. You might like girls and guys but to different aspects.

[Bobbgooduk]

Prometheus - I sense progress in your posts:

You're not asexual, so the "choice" you identify is gay or bisexual.

Yo have been satisfied by sex with a woman. You have had sex with 2 men, but so far not felt the enjoyment or satisfaction you perhaps expected.

You don't care what other people think - this is all about how YOU feel inside. To some degree, I think that makes things slightly simpler - this is only about YOU.

I'm not sure, but I think some people know instantly what is right for them, others maybe take longer to establish an equilibrium.

I realize it might be frustrating not to have an instant answer, but is there any reason you have to rush the decision?

I'd be tempted to say gain more experience with both M and F - it might help you decide where on the greyscale you sit: more gay or more bi.

Whatever the answer turns out to be, you need to know that there are loads of other people who are at the same point on the scale as you and there is nothing strange or abnormal about you.