Looking for support

I really dont believe that you will be "destroying" your home life, and truthfully I would say that things will problem go alot easier than you are thinking. Your wife apparantly knows how you feel deep down, there isnt a way she cant with the coversations that you guys have had. It appears that, from the reactions you gave, that she has come to terms with it herself and is really just waiting for you to let it out.

Your children will come around eventually. Especially if they are young, than they really wont know anything different. When children have parents that are considered "different" for whatever reason, they tend to over look the differences because they truly dont know any different. It would do everyone more justice to see both of you happy, than living in a difficult relationship. I hope everything goes well .

 

The way I see it, you have two choices. Go on living your life the way it is, or change it. And the way you have described things, the first choice doesn't sound very viable, which leaves you with the second choice. And if you go with the second choice then your problem goes from "should I change my life" to "how do I go about changing my life?" Based on what you have written, your wife sounds like a pretty amazing lady. How about talking to her and getting her brutally honest opinions on things? Is that an option? Also, you say you don't want to destroy the lives of anyone touched by this, but how would that even happen? It seems the main thing that changes in their life is what they know about you. Not really much else.

 

I say if you are going to break something, break it like a pinata.

You say it will be clear that you wasted ten years of her life? Then won't it also be clear that you are saving her from wasting ten more? You wish you could go back? Nobody gets that luxury, so you are just like everyone else in that respect. Besides, even if the past was less than perfect, I doubt it was all bad memories. Wiping the slate clean may get rid of the bad, but it would also get rid of all the good. Would you really want that? Would she? Try to think of it less like destruction and more like remodeling. You have a chance to build something greater than what you started with.

 

Dear Bill - I think your wife has prepared the way for you. I think you should feel no shame in admitting to yourself and her that you probably WOULD feel happier if you were married to a man. It is not your fault and it is not hers either - it's just a fact.

You need to be very sensitive about the next stages of your life. You need to stay friends with your wife because of your children - there is nothing more distructive for children than having to hear their parents name-calling and pulling each other apart so, for their sake, you need to do the "breaking up" part with dignity.

None of this is your wife's fault (not yours either) but you must let her rescue her self-respect from this situation. If you do argue, don't retaliate, don't transfer blame, not make accusations out of spite. She doesn't deserve it and you will only regret it afterwards.

Your children are young and love you. You will probably have raised them thusfar with few homophobic tendencies and I don't really think they'll understand what it really means until they are teenagers. I have two grandchildren, 15 and 10, and they are fine with my partner and I. It's quite cool having 3 granddads!

Finally, I have been married twice -once my wife left me, the second I did the leaving. My first wife and I have an adopted son who was 16 when we split, my second wife and I had no children. My son is my best friend now he is 37, but he blames himself in some degree for my first wife leaving, a belief I would dispute. My point is, life can go on, yo can be happy and your wife can move on too.

Just be careful for your children's sakes - they don't really have much choice in the matter but their well-being is still important. Good luck and get back to me if you want to talk more - use my wall.(*hug*)

 

Bill - you are not alone. There are many men (unfortunately) such as myself and a host of others here on EC that are in the same or similar situations.

For myself, I've been married 27 years, no children, and have finally come to terms that I'm gay at the ripe age of 49. I came out to my wife a few weeks ago - which was incredibly difficult, but really opened the floodgates of communication between us. We are now working through the consesquences - which are complex, as I'm sure you know. I couldn't have done what I've done over the last couple of months without the enormous support I've received here at EC. Though challenges remain, I'm incredibly happy that I've been able to progress so much further than I ever thought possible.

It may be helpful for you to go through the threads of a number of the other members in your situation: 55, JimL, Kneedragger, Tom100, bwhopper, Tracker57, SoLost44, along with my own thread (maxx).

Chip - one of the forum administrators, has also gone through this and has given some incredibly helpful advice - you'll see his posts on the threads referenced above. One of his recommendations to me was to read Brene Brown's "The Gift of Imperfection", which is an enormously insightful and useful book - showing the power of being vulnerable, dealing with those issues that lead us to be inauthentic, etc. I heartily recommend it.

Also, it can be very helpful to work with a therapist - especially one familiar with LGBT issues and coming out later in life - both for you and eventually your wife.

It sounds like your wife wouldn't be shocked if you tell her you are gay - so that's a great first step.

There are lots of people here to share perspectives, give advice and just provide support.

You've come to the right place, Bill. Let us know how you are feeling, what you need, what you fear, where you'd like to get to in the future, or just vent! We truly care about one another - and together, we'll get through this extremely challenging phase of our lives.

(*hug*)
Maxx

 

Bill - I wouldn't worry about labels so much right now - as you say, orientation can be a bit fluid. A gay friend of mine had a partner for 17 years and thought they were going to spend the rest of their lives together - and one day his partner decided he wanted to be with women instead (even though they had a great gay sex life). These things aren't carved in stone. Don't fret over exactly who you are attracted to - just enjoy being attracted to those people you are attracted to!

Of course, the agonizing thing about this is not so much the anxiety we have internally about our attractions but rather the impact our orientation has on the people around us.

One thing to remember is that there is no rush - set your own timetable. I've found that these things become clearer over time, and evolve in stages. Don't feel you have to decide by next Tuesday how you are going to live the rest of your life. Let the process evolve organically.

(*hug*)
Maxx

 

Welcome to the EC family, Billeraphon! What you're going through is incredibly difficult, and I don't think finding EC was an accident.

The posts you've received already have been outstanding and there's not much I can add, especially to what Chip and Maxx have said. If you've had a chance to read threads by any of the members listed by Maxx, then maybe you've read some of mine. If you don't have time to read them all, a suggestion I have is to read some of our early posts, a few intermediate ones, and then some of our most recent ones. I think what you'll see is that all ours journeys here have started with posts very similar to yours - pain, confusion, longing, wanting to be authentic, not wanting to disrupt the lives of our loved ones. We're all at different points on our paths right now, but the similarities are striking! At this stage for you, I think just knowing how not alone you are and having people to communicate with freely is your biggest revelation.

I hope you don't take what I just wrote as meaning that your path and your pain isn't unique - it is!! It's also probably the most intense emotional pain you've ever experienced.

I'm a big proponent of counseling. My counselor helped my ex and I communicate better than we ever had. Be careful though, my first counselor after my wife found out I had been having sex with men told me I didn't fit the stereotype of a gay man, and allowed me to cling to the thread of hope that I wasn't through my final session with him. I wanted to believe it so bad, I went through another three years of marriage in an attempt to make it so! That's three years of authenticity I sacrificed wanting to hold on to what wasn't. Later, my ex and I found a wonderful counselor who worked with us individually and as a couple and facilitated the improved communication I mentioned. In those three years, I regained my sense of integrity, however, so it wasn't a total waste. I will say, however, that my final coming out was a direct result of my own soul searching, discussions with other gay men, and communication here. My counselor did not know I was coming out during the session I did after a several month hiatus. The last she knew my ex and I were working to stay together. She didn't bat an eye, however, and helped me though my coming out.

Please keep posting to this thread for as long as it's helpful and start new ones whenever you need to. You'll find wonderfull support here! (&&&)

All the best on your journey!

55

 

Bill: A gay guy who's been married over 30 years and just coming to terms. It's rough, but it's best to be honest with yourself and all those around you. I just came out to my wife a couple of months ago: she was angry and resentful at first. She thought I lied to her all these years. In a way I have and in a way I haven't. But, in retrospect I guess I should have told her before we got married and let her make an informed decision. You're already where I was: but she probably should know what's going on in your mind. If you can function with her and can be happy, you may want to stay with her. But, if you don't come to terms with things yourself, you will feel resentment toward her. You may view her as the person who's coming between you and happiness and fulfillment. But, she might be able to work through things with you and it won't be that bad--or it could be good.

Either way, it's YOUR journey. And the people here are VERY supportive. You're not alone and you're not the first person to feel this way or go through this.

Tracker

 

Hi Bill, Just another married (23 yrs) gay guy here. I came out to her a little over a year ago. She said that she suspected. It sounds like your wife already knows that you are struggling with your sexuality. I think that should make things a little easier...not easy by any means. I took the advice of several EC staff and got counseling. I would highly encourage you to do the same. It helped me a lot. Also, the books that Chip recommended, I read and were very helpful. Your in a much more difficult position than I was in that you don't really know which direction you will go in the future. And, you have children. For me it was easy, I knew I was gay when I was 13, no question! Unfortunately, I caved into what I was told was the way that I should live my life. Let us know how you are doing. Were here to help. Jim

 

A quick hello Bill from me too.

You already know that this is a very supportive environment - but it is also non-judgmental. So whatever is on your mind or worrying you, just spit it out. Someone will be able to help.

I'm also in the married (for 23 years) but out group - though only just. So still in the early stages of coping with the fall out. There's no doubt it has been the most painful and heart wrenching experience of my life. It hurts a lot some of the time, but also there have been some big highs. Importantly though, I have no regrets at all at having taken that step and I think all the others here would agree. So bear that in mind.

For me, it has opened up a whole lot of other issues between my wife and me that were stopping us from properly enjoying an open and loving relationship. It's all a bit ironic, but on the good days we are much happier now than we have been for a very long time. The lack of honesty (from me mostly) was a heavy weight on the relationship. And that has gone.

I have no doubts in my own mind that I am gay and will have to see how things progress as to whether or not our new life will work and satisfy us both fully, but I also have no doubts that we are in a better place now than we were before. It has helped that my wife is also my best friend and an incredible person. Although some days have been Hell, overall she has taken it on board amazingly well.

Like most women, your wife will probably already know something isn't right and will be picking up on the fact that you are holding back on something. However, there's no going back on this one. So, as Maxx has said, take your time and read up on it as much as you can.

But no, you're not crazy and not alone.

Best wishes,
Tom