First of all, as a new member to the forum I'd like to say hello to all EC members out there. I am in an extremely difficult place in my life and was so happy to find this forum! My story is quite long and extremely layered. So here goes. My current situation is that I've cheated on my wife and here's how: I set up a fake email and responded to 'M seeking M' ads on Craigslist. I never actually hooked up with any of them and never planned on it. I got a rush just in the correspondence itself. She found the email account on my phone when she tried to check her email. She is currently in another state staying with a friend while she figures out whether or not to file for divorce or to give me another chance. I'll give you some background so you can get the whole picture of how I got to where I am now. I first realized I was turned on by men when I was 19 and lived in a house with 6 other room mates. I had found one of my room mates gay porn magazines laying on a table and flipped through it. My reaction was immediate. There was no question that it was hot. I never pursued hooking up with another guy since I figured that I wasn't gay. I had been dating girls since junior high school and actually hooked with a woman that I'll call 'A' for a few month period right after I graduated high school. Our connection was really amazing. Same sense of humor, and same page on so many angles. I moved to the Northwest abruptly and never said goodbye. And that was that. A few years later, I experimented with a few guys. And even dated one for a few months. We had sex like crazy and it ended shortly after because I insisted that I wasn't gay. I buried all of my emotions and feelings toward men after that. (although I continued to only look at gay porn-never straight) I met my first wife a few years later and played the 'family man' role. We had two children. After years of counseling and no love, we divorced. (she knew all about my feelings toward men, which oddly enough seemed to be consuming when I'm in a troubled relationship. Gay porn is my escape of sorts.) We had been separated for almost a year when I reconnected with 'A' via facebook. We instantly fell in love and it was unlike anything I've ever felt before. She had been married for about the same amount of time and was also divorced. (no children though) She knew all about my gay tendencies and was always very supportive of them. (she is also bi and she thinks it's hot to see two guys getting it on! rare I know!) So we got married last year and it couldn't have been more amazing. In the dunes in P-town! About a month or two after we got married, issues started to appear left and right. First, My ex is a nightmare and causes trouble like crazy. Second, 'A' moved to my area to be with me and although she's incredibly qualified, cannot find a real job anywhere. Third, I have to work 2 jobs to support us in the meantime and am constantly tired. In addition, now that 'A' is living here, she is cut off from many of her passions. She loves dancing and hiking and the area we're in lacks both in any kind of quality. In other words, things at our house kept getting more and more stressful and really hard. I began resenting her because I was working 2 jobs and not getting any emotional support. She began resenting me because I was gone all the time working. Our sex life started to suffer. I began looking at gay porn again and browsing Craigslist ads when I did have free time. After a few weeks, something snapped and I responded to an ad just to see what would happen. (having no intentions of 'actually' hooking up. The rush alone from sending the emails was exciting. Exciting enough to where I started to do it more and more. I kept justifying to myself that I wasn't REALLY cheating since I wasn't physically meeting anyone. It felt wrong though. Anyway, things kept deteriorating at home and then yesterday she found the email account. I felt like my life was going to end. I wanted to die for betraying her. She flipped of course. I know anyone that found out that their husband or wife were cheating would do the same. SO, now I'm at a crossroads. She's gone until Friday and wants to talk about what we're going to do when she returns. She said she'll never fully trust me again. Even if we stay together, she'll constantly live in fear of her not being enough for me. We've discussed every possible angle of what what I did. All of the feelings we're thrown on the table. My problem is this: I love this woman. I've never cheated on anyone in my life and never will again. I want to live honestly and openly in every facet of my life. With that in mind, I know that my feelings for men will not go away. This has been proven over time.(I'm 38!) Am I living a lie? Am I more than bi-sexual and really gay? (also, she is really the ONLY woman that I find sexy, I never check out women, only men) I realize that there's a pile of info and probably some missing pieces in there, but I'd like to know other peoples take on our scenario. If anyone has been through something even remotely similar? Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling!
Honestly it does sound like you're living a lie and not being true to yourself. Guys seem to be your true calling.You seem to keep going back to gay porn and enjoy corresponding with guys on craigslist, so that definitely says something. Right now with this situation, it is a good time and opportunity to start living happily. Ultimately in the end, you're the only one that can really know what is best for you and how you really feel. But given all that you've said, it doesn't seem like women are what really make you happy when it comes down to it.
Tell her exactly what you told us and let her make her own decision. Definitions of cheating vary depending on the individual, and it's up to her to decide what she's willing to forgive. At the same time, you owe it to yourself to stop denying your attraction to men and honestly assess what you want -- your actions suggest that you may be dissatisfied by some aspect of your relationship. Subconsciously, you might want to be in a relationship with a man -- or maybe you're happy with the way things are and this was just a fluke. Either way, good luck and I hope it works out! <3
Good point. She does know everything that's in my post. I'm trying to live every minute of my life as honest and open as possible. I never want to feel as badly as I did when I was cheating.
I think you are gay but in denial about your sexuality. You clearly find guys sexually attractive and watch gay porn but you don't find girls sexually attractive, with A being an exception. Do you truly find A sexually attractive or is it more of an emotional type thing? Like, even though I'm gay, I can still see if a girl is good looking but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with her but I could probably develop an emotional bond with her.
I think all the signs are there from my point of view, but you need to be truly honest with yourself. Acknowledge who you are first of all (gay/bisexual/Martian) and accept it. Then you can stand a chance at accepting whatever consequences may flow from your decisions. In the long run, you'll be better off for it. Ultimately it's your life and your destiny - it's yours to see through as you deem fit. Tap me on my wall if you need a hand. Hope this helps. Best.
Welcome to EC! I agree with Dr F - you need to accept who you are and stop feeling guilty. You are "at least" bisexual, but probably gay. I've been in similar situations, but in the end, you can't keep your mental integrity AND deny who you know you are. Your wife may be someone you love deeply and dearly - that's not the problem or the question - it's about whether you give each other what you need. You sound pretty miserable at the moment and if you decide to go ahead with your marriage, you can only do that by denying who you are. If you decide to go for a clean break (you have no children, I think you said) it does not stop you loving her as a friend - if you both want it enough, she could be your dear, DEAR, best friend, with all the emotional attachment but without the sex. I know you don't want to hurt her - she's done nothing to deserve it - but I get the feeling that you're just postponing the hurt by a year or two. You will end up feeling guiltier because you "failed" her again, and she will end up more hurt because she "failed" to give you what you need - again. Please be honest with yourself and her - you have said that you have had this interest for many years and it's not going to go away just because you want it to, or because you promise to make it go away. You only have to read EC to see how many people would have simpler lives if only we could wish our problems away. It just doesn't happen, and we have to be mature and sensitive in finding a way to deal with things, whether it's difficult parents, religious convictions or failed relationships. I worry that you will end up tormenting yourself and that will benefit neither you nor your wife.
At first that last sentence seemed like a red flag. I check out women all the time. It is very difficult to not pay attention to some of them. However, when I am in a relationship, there is an effect where I tend to be more interested in my current partner than everyone else. "I only have eyes for you". It is possible that you are bisexual, and your attraction to 'A' simply satisfies that center of your brain and makes you not notice other women as much, but because you've neglected your attraction to men for decades that has caused a lot of intense feelings to pent up. On the other hand, you could be mostly gay, and she could just be one of the few types of girls that work for you.
