I feel so fed up, been going through very rough times. My mother is going through a divorce with my father who was physically abusive to her and my brothers, especially me, as i stood up for myself, the result: Me having absolutely no confidence in myself, my abilities or my looks whatsoever. On top of this i am gay. Multiple attempts of suicide, all unfortunately unsuccessful as I just do not have the courage to end my life. I have recently come out to my mom about being gay and my eldest brother knows. I live with them now, they are very accepting and love me for who I am. I had to drop of out my last year in school as i was going through such rough times, and im currently doing alternative school on my way too completion leading to me being very lonely. My friends have become addicted to heavy drugs and a few even ended up stealing from me.. so obviously not true friends to begin with, so i have been without friends for a whole year now. I have a tough time forming new friendships as i have zero self-confidence. I feel so alone, and i thought revealing my deepest secrets to those closest to me would be a stepping stone to my happiness...obviously not. My dad hates gay people as do my other siblings. I do not know how to meet other gay or likeminded people and the loneliness is unbearable. Sorry for the Long-life story. All in all life sucks... i feel stuck and empty inside, and once again contemplating suicide.
First of all, if you are having thoughts about committing suicide, please look to someone for some immediate help. Here are a couple numbers I found online (I'm assuming from your avatar that you're in the UK), but there may be others. Hotline: Sexuality (020) 7837 7324 Hotline: Worried someone is having thoughts of Suicide - Call PAPYRUS HOPEline 0870 1704000 I know it probably feels like you're out of courage and things just get worse and worse - but think of what you've accomplished so far. You stood up to an abusive father. You're out to your mother and oldest brother, with whom you live and who accept and support you. True, you had some trouble with school, but now you're back and still working toward completion. And finally, failing to commit suicide does not make you a coward. I say it makes you a survivor. That might be a lot more positivity than you're used to, or that you're in the mood right now, but do try to think about the good things that have happened. You wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't strong. Looks like it's your first post here, so I hope you like the site, and that you find some extra support here. Don't worry about posting anything, of any length - people here are pretty happy to help, even if they need to do a bit of reading. Hang in there! Keep posting as much as you like. (*hug*)
Coming out to your mother and brother is a huge accomplishment, and for them to accept you is just amazing! Many people struggling in the closet would love to have that acceptance so its not all doom and gloom. I'm so scared to tell my parents so for you to have that is envious ^^ Having no friends sucks i know since I lost contact with my friends back at home, and all my uni friends are far away. Once you complete alternative school you will be able to make some friends when you go to college/uni so just try to look forward to that. Or perhaps you could take a part-time job and make some friends that way. Stay strong! (*hug*)
Thankyou very much for the support, it really does mean a lot. :newcolor: I know I have taken great strides even in the last couple of months but its seems to get harder and harder to positively reinforce myself when I dread my future. I need to really concentrate on the things I do have instead of the things I'm without... Negative thinking tends to get the better of me as Ive been surrounded by a negative father and brothers for 18 years. Time is like torture! I dont want to sit around and fantasise about my happiness.. I just want to be happy. I feel like "the only gay the village!" Yes my mother has been a huge support, if it were not for her I wouldnt be here. Im very lucky and grateful for her acceptance as its a huge deal off my shoulders. Of course I dont wish of other peoples unhappiness, but it is comforting to know I am not the only one suffering.
Whatever you do don't give up. As Gravity said focus on the positives - they will help you deal with the negatives. I can relate to some of what you are going through - I dropped out of school at 17, my parents had a messy breakup, which was bad enough that I don't have anything to do with either of them, and I spent too long denying my sexuality. I'm only just learning to accept that I am gay, at the age of 31, and I'm just starting to come out, and now I'm about to start a degree course. So things can and do get better. Yes there are probably going to be shitty days ahead, but there will also be good days - make those good days count. Good luck
Welcome to EC. First of all I want to say that is very brave of you to share your thoughts, your fears, and for opening to us. It takes courage to be open about the most vulnerable parts of our being: our emotions, thoughts, and hopes. It is good to know that you have the support of your Mother and elder brother; remember that you are not alone and that they have your back in the good and bad times. Family cohesion is an important part of people's lives, so I think it may be a good idea for you to confide in your mom or your elder brother about how you feel. If do not feel like doing so, you are welcome to post on and talk to us here on EC. Writing is a great stress reliever, so at whatever time come and post here! You can also get anonymous help here in EC as well from EC's moderators and staff. As Gravity mentioned there are also phone numbers where you can call. Moving on. Can you elaborate a little bit more in what do you mean that you feel lonely? Do you mean this in terms of not having a significant other? or not knowing other gay teens? I think true friends do not see our lack of confidence as a major trait. True friends will accept you how you are -regardless of your lack of confidence( or abundance of)- so give some people a try. Remember, that friendships in which one side is not happy, just like relationships, do not work out and are not true friendships.
