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Are doubts normal? How to get rid of them?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Priiiide, Jul 31, 2012.

  1. Priiiide

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    So, I currently identify as a lesbian. I am 21 and have been out to my friends since about 16-17. At first I came out as bi then after realizing that the lesbian label fit me more. Labels are important to me and I understand some people don't like identifying as one or the other.
    I haven't come out to my parents as they are religious and homophobic. I want to wait until I am living by myself.
    During that time I met a beautiful girl who was perfect for me. She was my first long term relationship and sexual experience (male and female)
    We have a wonderful relationship, I'd like my future to be with her but I am constantly faced with doubts and questioning myself.
    Sometimes i cannot deal with the pressure of society, sometimes I wonder if it is because I am living a double life and grew up thinking homosexuality is wrong. I don't think I've fully accepted myself and always question the what ifs. When I do... I often force myself to check out guys and see if there is anything there. When I do because I stress about it so my and suffer from mild anxiety, my anxiety levels get higher so my body nervously reacts and I feel "turned on" by guys even though mentally I don't want to sleep with or kiss a guy. I wonder if it is my lack of experience and natural curiousity which causes these doubts also? Or is there something more? I get really awkward around guys who hit on me or check me out and I do not like it. I feel instantly comfortable around guys who I know aren't checking me out. I don't see a future with a guy personally. I am wired by my parents to think that I need a man to make me happy, to have a home and baby and I am also questioning if I even want all those things. And I mean I can still have a baby with my partner if I decide to. I guess the reason why I doubt and want a bit of closure is because I feel comfortable with my current label and I love my girl so much, she makes me happy and we have a good relationship and sex life, I can see my future with her but I'd like to be a little more sure because I don't want to commit to her long term only to realize it was a phase or i suddenly want a man. I realize anything can happen but I guess I want to know if this is normal. Anyone else in my situation? Does living a double life cause said doubts? Sorry for the rant. And thank you in advance. (*hug*)
     
  2. itsaldo

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    You should definetly follow your heart because he better than anyone can tell you what does he feels. i suggest that if you really think you need to be with a guy and feel it ( even if you don't fall in love you should do it because that way you can get rid of the curiosity you are feeling, i also think that you should consider or think before you get any serious with your girlfriend because that way you are not going to be able to keep a strong relationship even if its with her or with a boy. You should come to a place for yourself when you are fully commited with who you are and be comfortable with that, explore your thoughs and be sincere with yourself and then you realize what you want ( in a real long relationship with nobody but yourself) :slight_smile:
     
  3. Bobbgooduk

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    If you walk into long-term relationships blindly, you run the risk of failure.

    It is completely natural to have doubts. You are thinking about making a serious commitment to someone you love dearly. You're not doubting their qualities or your love.

    It is natural that you worry in case anything spoils it.

    I think most heterosexual couple would admit to the jitters when they get married - it's a big commitment, like taking out a mortgage, and no-one can offer guarantees so you have to think and question, be cautious and circumspect.

    I think, therefore, that this lady is the love of your life - your doubts only prove it.

    Good luck :smilewave
     
  4. Priiiide

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    I'm not going to break up with her to explore when I have no interest in sleeping with a male.
    She suggested it but I declined.

    I dont think it is necessary. It would make things easier but I can picture being with someone else now that I have her. I guess I wonder why my body reacts like that to males. Whether its because over thinking it and mind is playing tricks on me or just simply me trying to convince myself that homosexuality is wrong. Who knows.

    Thank you bobbgooduk for your advice. I think it's very accurate and fits well.

    ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2012 at 02:51 AM ----------

     
  5. pinklov3ly

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    I tend to feel the same way sometimes, if anything it's probably just anxiety. If you're happy in your relationship then don't worry about being with a man. Enjoy all the benefits this girl has to offer you; you seem very happy and that's all that matters. I'm 26, I have kids and even after being with a man for years, I couldn't live in denial anymore. I tried to conform to society, but failed miserably.
     
    #5 pinklov3ly, Jul 31, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2012
  6. Bobbgooduk

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    No, no! I don't think you rushed into anything. I was just saying that IF someone didn't think things through (have doubts) then they would be risking failure.

    If you know what you want, and this lady ticks all the boxes - BRILLIANT!

    But your caution is understandable.:smilewave
     
  7. Priiiide

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    Thanks guys!
     
  8. Priiiide

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    So I don't get it if my body reacts to a guy does it necessary mean anything or my anxiety playing up? Does it mean my body wants a guy? So confused
     
  9. Bobbgooduk

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    Maybe it wants both! That shouldn't be a problem in the beginning - you don't set out on every date thinking "this will be the one" - you need to get out and meet people, go on dates to the cinema, eat ice-cream, go on picnics. Don't look just yet for a long-term relationship (I'm not saying ignore something that comes and hits you between the eyes). Keep it simple and low-key and then, once you've experienced both, you can make an informed decision, based on the balance of probabilities.

    Humans really are complicated creatures - sometimes there is no simple answer but that should only make the "labelling" difficult rather than the enjoyment of life.
     
  10. Priiiide

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    But im in a relationship one that I want to last :frowning2:
     
  11. Jeffhack

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    then you might be curious about men again you dont have to explore it if u love her.
     
  12. Priiiide

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    So curiosity is normal and doesn't mean I need to explore it?
    I don't need to re-assess me sexuality?
     
  13. Jeffhack

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    im still figuring the first part of that lol, but what i am saying is your in a relatonship a great on presumable and you probably do want to ruin im guessing lol.. to get to the point is what the point it was something you have to let go if want to stay going down the same road.. you know what i mean.
     
  14. Priiiide

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    My girlfriend is so understanding, just had a chat to her about it and she thinks a lot of it has to do with me living double life at home. And my straight self is making me doubt also so she thinks it would be easier if I told them but understands I can't at the moment and doesn't want to pressure. Her reassurance and this site is slowly helping me :slight_smile:
     
  15. Jeffhack

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    Im glad my sister is a lesbian, and had the same problem but what she was looking for in a woman. I'm not going to say she made the wrong, but I hate break ups even other people's. And it's even worse to hear they were. I live in a real down home town and they always ask, why I don't fix nothin, and always reply well I'm the only one that fixes his relationships, and I think it's better then a car lol. Anyway I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear me babbling, but I hope I helped u.
     
  16. Priiiide

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    Interested to hear what you have to say
    And what happened to your sister?
     
  17. Jeffhack

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    Um she discovered her sexuality when she was experimenting with another women. My family judged her a lot for it, however she was with for almost 9 years, and my sister didn't like how much of a routine they were getting and after one night she had a new girlfriend...
     
  18. Priiiide

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    That's interesting.. It's so hard to deal with parents and their judgements. I have to lie to them every day :frowning2:
     
  19. Jeffhack

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    Well my mother is quite horrible to everyone... Very close minded. And right now I'm trying to come out and she's not making it easier :frowning2:
     
  20. Priiiide

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    It must be so difficult although you're lucky your sister did beforehand :slight_smile:

    My mum is religious and close minded :frowning2: