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How do I get over my straight crush

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sunnii, Jul 31, 2012.

  1. sunnii

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    This is my 3rd straight crush and I don't want it to be like the 1st 2 which lasted years each.

    I have a crush on a guy at work and he is definitely straight (which is probably a lot of his appeal to me I don't seem to find gays attractive as stupid and hypocritical it sounds). I did think he was a good looking guy as soon as I met him and we instantly hit it off. I know we won't ever date lol but it's not like I can avoid him we work together and I'd class him as 1 of my best friends and he's said the same to me

    I haven't told him and I'm not out as gay (but I think people can tell) and I'm like maybe I should come out and look for a guy to take my mind off the crush because I know it's just a crush and it's that I've been wanting a boyfriend for about 4 years now. I hear all the stuff like don't date anyone until your fine being alone and you love yourself but I'm 20 a d ive never been in a relationship. Shouldn't it be only natural im desperate for 1
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    The three things that help you get over an unrequited crush are 1. time, 2. distance, and 3. other things to focus on. It looks like 2 is going to be a problem, since you work with him. :slight_smile: And 1 is going to sort of have to take care of itself. Which leaves 3.

    Seeing that this is your third straight crush, and you're still closeted, leads me to believe that you may be doing something I call "convenience crushing". That's when you sort of (unconsciously) end up turning your romantic/sexual sites on somebody nearby, because hey, wouldn't that be easy? I mean, he's right there. And you wouldn't have to bother coming out and all that - you could just jump directly into the relationship and come out that way...or maybe even stay closeted for awhile with him.

    It's surprising how many closeted guys go through crushes like this. :slight_smile:

    If he's one of your best friends, you can share stuff with him. And maybe one of those things you can share is "I'm gay". You can hold off on telling him you have feelings for him. :slight_smile:

    "...he is definitely straight (which is probably a lot of his appeal to me I don't seem to find gays attractive as stupid and hypocritical it sounds)."

    Also very common with closeted guys. There are plenty of "straight-acting" gay guys out there, but you're not noticing them because, y'know, they're not acting gay. :slight_smile: But once you come out, you'll be able to find them a lot easier.

    Lex
     
  3. sunnii

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    Thanks I so get what your on about. I mean I think it doesn't help that I haven't had a guy friend in so long then I get 1 and he's hot I'm going to have some reasonably strong feelings.

    Time does help but like I'm not willing to wait 2 years like last time. In terms of focusing on other things unfortunately my work seems to be my life. My life has moved so much since getting a job in November not just professionally but also socially. So whenever we do something hell be there too. I have started going to yoga classes which is great but I feel like that's not enough. I had thought about continuing studying Spanish (I did some Spanish at college but stopped since I left) I've thought about it for a while but Ive just not been able to get up and go because I feel like I don't have a strong enough reason but ,aybe if I keep working on that I will think less about my crush
     
  4. Jeffhack

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    sorry lexington id have to say your wrong on the last part gays r just normal people its not like all gays are the same lol. and personal im in to more manly men to so yea i feel u there lol
     
  5. thylvin

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    Actually, I entered my first and only relationship at the age of 29, so don't feel like the 40 year old virgin. I even thought it was me, but then my hubby came into my life and everything changed. So don't fret too much about getting a boyfriend, that will come when you are ready for it. I know it sounds terrible to say it like that, but it's true (well at least for me.) Hell I even gave up on love, I even thought that love doesn't really exist, it felt to me like everyone is pretending to be in love.

    Boy oh boy, was I prooven wrong there!
     
  6. FathomFear

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    If this keeps happening to you, you might benefit from trying to change the way you think about straight men.

    I used to struggle with straight crushes too in my younger years, but over time I realized that I was causing myself nothing but frustration. Now, when I see a hot guy whom I'm relatively confident is straight, I simply don't let my mind fantasize about him. Sure, he might still be eye candy to some degree--but I don't imagine myself with him or anything else like that, as it's these feelings which tend to lead to fantasies and a crush developing.

    I know this isn't going to solve your current problem, but as a long term solution this is what I'd recommend.
     
  7. Lewis

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    Let yourself get over it naturally. My straight friend that is a girl has a crush on me even though I'm gay, but we still manage to withhold a friendship. All you have to do is respect the fact that they are straight. My best friend, if he were gay I would drop everything to be with him, but he isn't, so I just maintain a friendship. It's not impossible to be friends with someone you have a crush on.