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Any help please?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JackWin, Jul 31, 2012.

  1. JackWin

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    I know a posted a thread on here asking a very similar question, but was a little vague. I just really need some help, and thought that a little elaboration on my situation would help.

    So here is my situation...

    I am gay, and known it my entire life. But I am not out. For me to come out of the closet and be openly gay is practically impossible for mainly two reasons. I am insecure as hell and have terrible anxiety, and I live in the the worst possible situation to be gay.

    I live with a very catholic family. One may call them catholic extremists, but not like the Westboro Baptist Church. They are about as anti-gay as a family can get. They raised me to be the perfect little catholic boy they wanted, and always told me that being gay was wrong. They send me to a catholic school, where I am still to this day. At school I am told on a daily basis that being gay is wrong. I have also seen kids be removed form school permanently because of them being openly gay in school (yes, catholic schools in America can do that). And thus with the catholic school comes my catholic friends, who are still pretty anti-gay. Many of them come from equally heavily Catholic families. Now over the course of my life I have changed schools about 5 maybe 6 times. Because of that I really do not have anyone in my life that I would say I am close to and could trust with telling that I am gay. I change schools almost every other year and it just totally ruins me socially. But at school and at home I need to live my life as if I were straight, just to get bye on a daily basis. I have to dress in a less flamboyant and self-expressive style, I have to act as if I were straight, act interested in girls as if I were straight, and for christ sake I can't even openly love the people I really want to, all without being virtually hated in my community.

    Secondly, I have some of the worst anxiety a single human being can have. I get so paranoid about how people think of me that it drives me to the point of insanity. Little things even get me worked up so tight that i can't even speak sometimes. Everything from the way I dress to what I talk about goes through my head and I can't stop thinking about how thats going to look to other people. Sometimes it even gets tot he point where while I am with friends (on the rare occasion that is) I can't do anything but just follow along, silently, and blush the whole time with embarrassment for things I haven't even done yet. While we are on the topic of social interaction, my anxiety has even developed into some pretty bad social retardation. For me to just step out and introduce myself to someone, or try and ask someone if they want to hang out over the weekend is so stressful for me that I will just break down where I stand. Now being gay has been a huge factor to that. I dont want to come across to people as being gay, because most of my friends are strong catholics and have pretty negative views on gays. It's not just what my friends will think of me, it's what my family would think of me. And because of that I have been to scared to come out. That combined with my extremely catholic surroundings has driven me to be just flat out depressed most of the time.

    Now only because I know that because I mentioned it people are going to mention it to, my depression is pretty severe. I have been depressed for about a year, probably more. I don't like to talk about it to much publicly like this, but if you are worried (you have no need to be) and want to know what's going on just message me. But mainly I don't talk about it because a lot of stupid decisions went into it and I ended up having to deal with a lot of pain. As I said earlier, I do not have a lot of friends ad no one close enough that I really feel close enough with or trust enough to just let my feelings out to. Even so, for me to really open up to people(even online) is absolutely nerve-wracking for me. My anxiety just takes over and I feel like the other person will think that I am strange for thinking that way or feeling that way, about anything. So pretty much all the time my feelings are bottled up inside. For the sole reason of accidentally having to reveal that I am gay to my parents, I have not gone to see a therapist, but think it would help if they could get me to open it. I know this is a problem, and I need to fix it.

    So what would you do. I know its a tough situation, but any advice would be good.

    Thanks much
     
    #1 JackWin, Jul 31, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2012
  2. Jeffhack

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    I feel you completely my mother Is catholic and drags me to church every Sunday, and even tried to get my to join the knights of wat ever or something. Im going to say a lot of things in this post if u re confused go to my thread. But my mother is homophobic more then anything possible, and to make the citiuation harder my sister is a lesbian who will me mother will not accept. It's just ;,( I can't take it anymore... I feel ur pain though
     
  3. babyjax13

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    I have an anxiety disorder and an extremely conservative family, so I think I can relate to you quite a bit. Part of the solution may be to deal with your anxiety first. Sometimes a conscious decision to actually move forward is hard to make, but if you step away from the situation and evaluate it things may become clearer. My advice would be to stop feigning interest in girls as much as you possibly can. What's wrong with a person who just wants to pursue their interests? I'm certainly not advocating coming out, because you sound like your not ready for that and you have several legitimate reasons to wait, but at the very least try and sort things out so that you are more comfortable. Just remember that things get better - and you really don't have all that long until you are in college and can escape the private schooling that you are dealing with now. Would it be an option to go to a public school instead of a Catholic one? (and by the way, I also understand about the moving. I never went to a school for more than two years until college...well, hypothetically since I am about to start my second year).
     
  4. Bobbgooduk

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    You probably realize that the anxiety is connected probably to you situation.

    Having to beottle things up makes you anxious in case you drop one of the balls your juggling. Your life probably feels like you're the circus juggler and the audience just keep throwing you one more big, heavy skittle to juggle. And that makes you nervous, of course.

    I have spent a lot of time looking into religious attitudes. As far as I understand it, the RC church accepts homosexuals but not homosexuality - which basically means that it's OK to fancy guys but not OK to act upon it and have sex. From what I understand in your post, you have not yet acted on your urges, so you are NOT in conflict with your Church or parents.

    I know it seems like an age away, but you are not going to be at your school for ever, you have the opportunity to move away from home to study or work - as far away as you want really - and then you will have the opportunity to be yourself out of the watchful eye of the church and your family.

    This isn't being deceitful - it's self-preservation - and all of us on EC have done things or said things to protect ourselves - it's a nutural instinct.

    Can you join a youth group away from your church community - somewhere where the church's perspective on the world is not a central feature - an art class or creative writing, a sport or martial art - anything you'd find interesting and which will bring you into contact with people who are not going to make an issue out of religion.

    I come from a pretty closed community too - I'm Greek Orthodox and was the Parish Treasurer until I came out to my priest. I was excommunicated, which basically meant I could still attend services but was not allowed to receive communion. I chose to leave the community. My feeling (personal) is that if you are a member of a club, you have to accept the rules. I couldn't accept the rules, so I left the club.

    These are decisions you can take when you're older, and I say this not because I think you are too young or inexperienced to make the decisions, but because you are clearly not yet in a "safe place" in your life where the consequences of coming out would be "minimal".

    I must say, I admire what you wrote - very eloquent and you have obviously put a lot of thought into the processes you are going through. Life can be shitty, and sometimes we just have to wait for the smell to clear.

    :thumbsup::smilewave
     
  5. thylvin

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    You know I see many of the same thing and many threats. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME?

    This little sentence is exactly what it is. If you think this with every person in your life, then you are in a prison, where you can't do anything or it could possibly affect how people see you. This is very counter productive. I know it is a condition, but not a choice. Actually yes it is a choice, though when we chose this I still don't know. Maybe it is because our folks keep on saying things like "Don't do that, what will the people think of you."

    In one sense it's good to think in that direction, but you must learn to apply it at the right times, not through the whole day/week/month/year/life. This is when it becomes counter productive. It is something that hold you back from growing as a person.

    I also used to think like that, but I've come to a stage in my life where I thought, "You know, I actually don't care what people think of me. If they think bad of me, it is their loss, if they think good of me, it is their gain. so fuck them, I am who I am and anyone who has a problem with that can go screw a thorn bush for all I care. I won't change who I am, just because of people's wrong idea of me." Since I took this stance, my life has improved tremendously, I have more confidence in myself and all of these things.

    What I am trying to say is, the less you think about what people think of you, the more "whole" your life will feel and less stress and anxiety you'll experience.