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I think I am ready to tell my wife

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Billeraphon, Aug 1, 2012.

  1. Billeraphon

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    I think I am ready to tell my wife. I wanted to talk with her last night. I couldn't sleep, I felt so alone and just needed to talk about it. I almost woke her up at 1:00 but felt selfish as she needs sleep and was going to work in the morning while I stay home. (I always find excuses to put it off). I don't think I can wait any longer. I feel like I need her to validate how I am feeling. I also want to explain why I am so emotionally void and physically and sexually absent. I am afraid that she will come up with many reasons why I am straight or bi. Deep down I feel that I am gay. It isnt just sex, I feel that I could only fall in love with man (I have never felt in love with a woman).

    So any advice on how to approach the subject? My first thought was to drop a bomb like "I'm gay" and go from there, no turning back. After some thought I think it best to preempt it with the fact that I love her and want to stop living a lie, that I am gay and will do anything to move forward together for our kids. I think she will ask a lot of questions. I am not sure if I am prepared to answer them.

    Any help would be great.
     
    #1 Billeraphon, Aug 1, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2012
  2. Black Cat

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    I've never come out to a wife before, but you can usually never go wrong by prefacing the subject wih the now standard, "I have something important to tell you."

    I would also encourage you to inform her how much she means to you before and after you tell her, as some people think that a spouse's being gay reflects badly in them.

    That's about all I can offer advice-wise, but I posted in this thread because I wanted to wish you the best of luck with telling her. Good luck. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Bill,

    I just read your other thread 'Looking for support'...as others told you in that thread...it seems she's already opened the 'closet' door for you and is just waiting for you to walk through it.

    Easier said than done....

    I am/was in a similar situation...married for 16 years....we had one kid together and she had one from a previous relationship. She has questioned me about my sexuality in the past (which I emphatically denied). We are now divorced but remain friends. The divorce was hurtful enough and at this point I feel like coming out would just cause more pain.

    Soooo....for right now I'm stuck in this damn closet BUT I feel the need to rip the door off the hinges. :grin:

    I wish you the best of luck with telling her.

    From one Masshole to another LOL!!! I'm about 30 miles west of Boston :slight_smile:
     
  4. Chrissouth53

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    Hey there... another Masshole here :slight_smile:

    Here's what you can expect...

    Hurt
    Anger
    Confusion
    Questioning
    You married her knowing you were gay and never told her.
    Your marriage was a lie.
    She will try to fuck you straight.
    In the course of a day, she will want to kill you, make love to you, divorce you, stay married to you.

    There are some Yahoo support groups for people in your and your wife's situations:

    Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work - both of you can join.
    Alternative Path - Women's only group, focused on keeping marriages together
    Wives of Bi/Gay Husbands - a lot of women very unhappy as to how their marriages turned out.

    I'm in the first one and my wife is in the two women's groups. She likes that she sees both sides of the issue.

    As others said, preface anything you say with the fact that you love her. But from then on, buckle up because it's going to be a bumpy ride.

    Having said that, the weight off your shoulders once you say the words will be tremendous.
     
  5. Chip

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    Sometimes the best way to approach something like this is to write out what you want to say. You may not use the notes, but simply writing and organizing the thoughts can be really helpful.

    Be prepared to overcome the "objections"... maybe things like "This isn't something to be discussed, I've thought about it a lot, and I know this is who I am, so please don't try to argue that I'm not gay, because you aren't inside my head. My speaking to you now is the first time I've been fully authentic with you in a long time, and I'd like it if we can maintain that authenticity."

    And as Chrissouth said... just be prepared for a shitstorm of mixed emotions. But it will work out, and ultimately, both of you will be happier in the end. That's what you have to keep in mind.
     
  6. Billeraphon

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    Thanks for all the words of support. They are immensely helpful... this is really painful. I think part of it is that I have been in denial (Chrissouth - I have only recently thought of myself as gay, I have denied this, been confused by this, etc. I have always been somewhat attracted to women, only been in relationships with women albeit emotionally detached). I think my own confusion and denial makes this the hardest.

    Last night I was tossing and turning wanting to be held and comforted by a man so that I could build up enough courage to tell the wife. It is in moments like that that I know I am ready to be out of the closet.
     
  7. maxx

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    Bill - I started off with something similar to the following:

    As you have probably noticed, I've been more distracted than normal lately. I've been wrestling with a problem over the last few weeks - I'm finally coming to terms with something that has eaten at me for a long, long time - my attraction to men. I've finally come to terms that I'm gay. As difficult as it was for me to admit to myself, it is much harder for me to tell you - my best friend.

    And then the key points I wanted to make:
    - I didn't marry you to hide me being gay - I married you because I love you
    - I still love you today
    - I haven't regretted a single day of our lives together
    - I don't know why I'm gay, why it has taken me so long to figure it out - I wish I had come to terms with this much sooner
    - I wouldn't hurt you for the world, and I hate the impact this has on you and our marriage
    - I don't know what this means for us, or our marriage, but I want to work with you to figure it out
    - I'm here for you - and always will be. You are my best friend and I'll always have your back
    - I encourage you to seek out support from your friends or a therapist - please tell anyone you need to that I'm gay - I want you to have the support you need in order to come to terms with this - it is a lot for you to process
    - I'll answer any and all of your questions
    - I love you

    But of course I tried to say everything from a place of love and genuine emotion in my own words (not bullet points :slight_smile:

    I hope this helps - we are here for you regardless. And as mentioned, expect anything from denial, to shock, anger, silence, shouting, and a host of other emotions. Make sure you do it at a time when you can be with her, answering her questions, or just sitting in silence as she processes this. I did it on a Saturday so that we'd have the rest of the weekend to start to become comfortable with it.

    It will be terribly difficult - but it was one of the most meaningful conversations my wife and I ever had - and has opened up honest communications the like of which we've never had before in our marriage.

    Good luck,
    (*hug*)
    Maxx
     
  8. 55

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    I can only echo what Maxx said! My ex finally dragged me out of the closet, and I think that was harder. If you do what's been suggested, you'll be ahead of the game.

    I would only add that you need to really focus on her point of view and what she's going through - it's all new to her and you've had a long time to process. Sometime down the road you can share your turmoil, let this time be about her and the two of you as a couple.

    God speed! We're here!

    55
     
  9. tom100

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    Bill - all good advice. And remember, when the fireworks start, just listen and be supportive (even though you are hurting like hell too). Don't try to argue with any of the points, as we all know, that just leads to a fight.

    Courage!

    Tom
     
  10. Billeraphon

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    I decided to hold off telling her last night. I think the best advice you have all given is to think clearly about what I want to say, write it down and then have the talk. I am a much better writer than off-the-cuff speaker so this is a good plan.

    This morning I was also thinking more clearly about her and what she has been through. I think I will plan to do some really nice things for her this week and show her how much I care for her. When I am ready to tell her I will get a sitter for the kids and tell her while we are completely alone and have no other distractions. Thoughts?

    (The irony.... I know in her heart she knows. She has probably been hoping that it isnt the case. I think she will be relieved but I know she will be hurt, angry, etc.)
     
  11. 55

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    Your plan sounds great.

    On thing I did, not for my ex, but for my kids and immediate family, was write a letter (one for the kids and another for others) explaining my journey, expressing my regret, and hoping for the future. I told them in person, had a discussion, and then gave them time to read what I wrote. When they were done, we talked some more.

    I know you're just tryng to let your wife know at this point, but I think writing a letter beforehand, as you say you're going to do, will really help you collect your thoughts - even if you don't actually read it directly to her. You know her best, you'll do the right thing.

    One thing I've noticed that seems to be true across the board with the men on EC that are in our position is that we deeply care about how this news will effect our wives. We truly don't want to cause them pain. We feel selfish for the deception we've facilitated, but we want to make it right. If you're like me, you may also feel a little selfish FOR coming out, wanting to live authentically. It's a double-edged sword, isn't it?

    You know you have our support no matter what you decide to do or when you decide to do it.

    (*hug*)

    55
     
  12. jimL

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    You've been struggling with this for a long long time. Take a deep breath and clear your head. You don't have to do it tonight you don't have to do it tomorrow. You will know when the time is right. From what you have already said she strongly suspects and I don't know if that makes it any easier for you. I suspected my wife suspected....which she did but chose to ignore. Your wife is not ignoring it, so it appears as though she really does want to know and she does deserve to know. Prepare yourself for a huge mix of emotions, it will be a difficult time, but with time it will all sort itself out and it will get better. You are doing the right thing. My thoughts are with you!
     
  13. Chrissouth53

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    If you want to grab lunch downtown Boston to discuss this, please let me know. ..always willing to help.
     
  14. Bobbgooduk

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    Agree with 55 completely about not wanting to hurt. My second wife had her faults, let's say, which meant I wasn't able to commit to having children with her. Our relationship was stormy.
    When I told her, though, we went through a period of "waiting and see" when I think she hoped upon hope that I would stay.

    When I decided to move out, she was angry and was venomous, making all sorts of wild accusations.

    My response was not to respond. I did not join in with the recriminations, I did not tell her she was partly to blame (which was true) and I did not suggest in any way, shape or form that she was to blame - the issues were all mine.

    When it came to divorce, I let her divorce me on the grounds of my homosexuality, she got the house and the car and the dog.

    I got my clothes, my CDs and my books, despite the fact that I was entitled to half as we had both worked, the mortgage was in both our names and we had no children to provided for.

    Some people said I was mad to let her have it all, but I wanted to keep my dignity and not allow the changes in my life to descend into squalid arguments over who was going to get the toaster or the teapot.

    That was 14 years ago tomorrow. I don't regret for one moment keeping my own dignity and allowing her to leave our marriage "blameless", even though it meant starting over again from the very beginning.

    I think it's very important that you don't become a victim, but don't make her a villain either. You will both have to deal with each other in the future in relation to your sons - it's all got to be done in as civilized a way as humanly possible for their sakes and for your OWN feeling of closure.

    I used letters to friends I couldn't speak to face-to-face. I wanted as many people as possible to hear it from me in person and it honestly wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be and the phone is just not my medium.

    It won't be the easiest conversation you've had in your life, but it will probably be the most important, so I wish you every success. :thumbsup:(*hug*)
     
  15. Billeraphon

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    55, I really like the idea about a letter to my kids. I have been wondering how to explain this to them.

    Also. I have kept much of my life secret from her. I feel selfish coming out now knowing that it is on my timeline and she has been asking for me to stop lying for years. Better late than never.

    The final thing that has been nagging at me is that I am in a lot of pain and I don't want it. I didn't choose to be this way. I am finally accepting who I am and happy with that. I am very scared that the people I love will not accept me. This is when I get to find out who my real friends are.
     
  16. jimL

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    Worrying about losing those that we love is one of the biggest concerns for most if not all of us. I can't speak for everyone else but my experience was that of a lucky one in that a little over a year later I have lost no one (but was very shaky with my best friend of 30 + years for a couple of months). I hope you will experience the same thing. And yes, this is when you will find out who your friends are. Hopefully they are good ones.

    I even have a better relationship with my father......better than it's ever been in my life. It was all worth it just for that.
     
  17. Bobbgooduk

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    I second jimL's comments - I think you'll find people a lot more accepting than you fear they'll be - you're still the same person, just more transparent.
     
  18. eveninghush

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    The advice here is all excellent so there's nothing much I can say except good luck to you and I wish you, your wife and kids the best for the future. If Gareth Thomas can do it, so can you :slight_smile:
     
  19. 55

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    I was astounded by the compassion I received from everyone I told! Invariably they appreciated the fact that I told them in person. They respected me for that. Even the ones who I thought would run screaming the other way surprised me. They told me that times are not what they used to be. I told my oldest sister who then told her very redneckish husband. She told me that he said I was still the same guy to him and that it didn't matter.

    Our first big family gathering since all this came out will be next month. It'll be interesting to see how it goes.

    My ex volunteered to pass the news on to her family. Of course my dyed-in-the-wool Catholic ex mother-in-law, isn't handling it very well, but it seems the rest of her family is.

    As for my kids, they're working on it. They all had a much bigger problem with my sexual indiscretions (which put both their mother and I at great risk) than with my sexual orientation. My oldest who lives 4 hours away still refuses to have an open discussion about it even though she needs to in order to move on. As long as we discuss inconsequential things, she'll talk to me. The other two, who live locally, are doing much better - but it'll take awhile to get all the way back.

    I hope your experience is surprisingly positive too.

    55