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On the topic of Friends, Crushes, and Alcohol

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Chierro, Aug 1, 2012.

  1. Chierro

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    For all of you who have read about my crush on my friend Darren, I'm here to tell you that this is somewhat about him...but somewhat not, please read anyways.

    So my friend Gab was having this like huge ass party tonight back home, I'm on vacation thankfully, and a lot of my work friends are going (it's going on right now) including one of my best friends from work, Darren. Now I've got a couple of peeves about this whole party: 1) Gab's parents are not home at all
    2) She invited older friends from New Jersey, school and work, as well as 14 year olds and 15 year olds from work
    3) She is freely letting them drink, her exact words 'You can bring your own alcohol or you can pay $5 for it at my house'
    4) Many parents are being lied to, most likely, since the party started at 11:30 and people are sleeping over
    I know that many people from work drink and smoke and do drugs but I ignore all that, bevause I should expect that, since they're from the badder towns around us. But it only bugs me that Darren is going and I know he's drinking. I even had a conversation before the party...I was heading to my cousin's beach house to go swimming.
    Me: Hey are you goin to Gabbys party?
    D: Yeah
    Me: Ok...
    D: What
    Me: Nothin...its stupid...
    Isn't it at like 11:30?
    D: Uh huh and why?
    Me: You'll just find it stupid if I tell you
    D: Tell me
    Me: It's just that it's kinda hard for me to be friends with someone my age that I know is gonna drink, but oh well I'll get over it
    But it's stupid so oh well...
    D: How's it hard?
    Me:Cause for me, it's hard. All my friends who drink are like 18. So for me it's hard
    D: How that makes no sense there's nothing wrong with it
    Me: Like I said, it's stupid
    It really bugs me that he thinks drinking at 15 is just perfectly ok. It's illegal. Gab can get in even more trouble if it's found out that she gave alcohol to a minor. What I'm really pissed about is the fact that Darren has work tomorrow morning, if he shows up to work hungover, and if it's obvious, then he'll get in major trouble from our boss. If that happens, do you guys think I should go to my boss and tell her about the party? Gab would get in a lot of trouble...but I'd do anything to protect Darren.
    But here's something big that's bugging me. I know some of my other friends drink, and I can just let that slide, but when it comes to Darren...it's like I can't sleep until I know he's ok, I won't be able to have any fun tomorrow until I know he made it throu work ok, I want to just ket my crush go, but I can't, I just can't. Why is this happening to me? Only him drinking or the thought of him drinking makes me feel like this...

    Thanks for reading...help is greatly appreciated...
     
  2. Gravity

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    Hmm...a touchy subject here.

    I'd say, first of all, that it seems as if the fact that you have feelings for him and you want to "protect" him is what's really bugging you, as opposed to just the idea of the party happening at all (based on your post, you don't seem overly concerned for others, or at least not in the same way). Try to envision the party without Darren there - how do you feel about it then? Because chances are, it won't be any different with him there.

    Other than that, there are a lot of ways to take this, and I think the best thing to do is to focus on the fact that, regardless of the specifics of the situation, it's drawing this reaction out of you. Maybe it's time to lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. Maybe it's time for you to distance yourself from him a little and try to get your mind off him.

    As far as reporting this situation to people in a position to stop this and/or punish those involved...hard to say. I don't want to tell you not to, because, as you point out, what's happening is illegal. Nobody could technically fault you for blowing the whistle. If you're genuinely concerned, you could at the very least offer to take care of people if they need it, or get rides for people who need to leave (the first party I went to, I just played sick-duty, I didn't drink anything...it was actually more fun than it sounds, there were a few of us who volunteered for it). Certainly if you find out somehow that anyone's in trouble or needs medical care, you can report that (and taking a minor to the hospital with alcohol poisoning or whatever will not get anyone in trouble - the doctors will just want to help said person).

    But, again, try to focus on your own personal reaction here - that's what you really have control over. Why do you think you're responding to this news the way you are? What do you think it implies about what you should do next, regarding Darren?
     
  3. stumble along

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    I guess I can correctly assume that at this party they are drinking to get shit faced drunk, and that, im not ok with.

    First off, good on you for not going, and if you do go then only go to make sure your friends don't get ahead of themselves, and pass around a lot of water.

    As for your question, I have a similar situation, I have a friend who your age maybe a year older and he drinks and does drugs, mainly weed. Now I know he has some issues which I'm going to make him bring up for his own well being, but ill assume sartén doesn't have issues. I digress, anyway yes I care a lot about him and I worry about him, its normal for friends to give a crap about each other, its even more normal that you give even more crap to someone you like, so yeah, its normal. You want tobkeep them safe and out of trouble and help them in any way you possibly can.

    So yeah, the reason you care a lot about what he does is due in part because you like him and you want to be a good friend, and considering you dont really care what some of your other friends do id say it more so because you like him.
     
  4. Chierro

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    I know everyone is saying I should distance myself from him. I didn't text him for a week and both times when I texted him while I'm on vacation he responded. And now since it's August and I have band camp and eventually school, I'll hardly see him. :/

    I plan on texting him around four, if im not at the beach, and see how the party was, but I'm kind of expecting drunkeness. It's even possible he could've gotten laid, after listening about my one cousin's first big party. Stumble Along, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure you're right with the fact that they had the party to get shit-faced drunk. The theme of the party was 'America, FUCK YEAH!' which is actually really ironically funny since the girl throwing it is an Asian Jew.

    But on the topic of drinking in general, most of my cousins, as well as some of my friends know that I'm really squeamish about drinking. My cousin Cody drinks...but he's 18, he's an adult. When I go up to fishing camp with my cousins this one like older guy flat out offered me a beer and I was just like "No...I'm 15..." Granted I also wanted to say 'I hope you realize that that even offering me beer could get you in trouble.' But I didn't. Anyways, I see how stupid some people can act when they're drunk and I don't want stuff like that being on my conscious. Gravity, the original reason I couldn't go is because I'm currently at the beach, and I won't say anything to my boss unless I hear Darren got in trouble. I have been telling my parents about the party, how her parent's weren't home and how all these older kids were going, and the fact that I thought it was stupid that Gab was making like best buddies with a 14 year old and a 15 year old (Darren). However I didn't say anything about the drinking, to once again, protect my friends. And really if I would just take Darren out of the situation, I know I wouldn't feel the same way about the whole thing.

    As for my feelings for Darren...yes, I want to protect him. I want to make sure that one of my best friends/crush is ok. Trying to tell him my feelings...I would have to be shit-faced drunk to tell him. I don't even know if he remembers that I'm bi. But when I did come out to him I flat out lied and said that I had no feelings for him whatsoever. So if I told him my feelings, I'd be lying again. Really he's my only friend that I knew was going, yeah aquaintences went but not any of my close friends, bar Darren. When I was venting to my friend Maddy last night, I said to her that I know I'd worry the same way about my best friend, granted he does nothing wrong and won't even talk to me lately. I really just wanted to make sure he was ok and not hurt...but when I somewhat brought it up, I sounded like a COMPLETE idiot... :/
     
    #4 Chierro, Aug 2, 2012
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  5. Chierro

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  6. BudderMC

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    As usual, I've probably got no real flow to this reply, so I'm just gonna outline some things that stuck out to me:

    I think I should preface all this by saying that I've also got major issues with alcohol, to the point where I don't like my friends drinking, and I can't be around it. Our group had a Halloween party last year, and I showed up since I haven't seen them in ages, but I bailed as soon as everyone started drinking... I just couldn't handle it. The point was though, I left because I knew (and some of them knew too) it wasn't for me, but I also didn't want to ruin their fun. They're adults and capable of making their own decisions.

    Like usual, the overarching theme here is that you're still crushing on this guy. If you're at the beach, does that mean you aren't going to be in for work when he gets in and possibly gets busted? If you're not there, then the way I see it is you have no business getting involved with what happens between him and his boss. You could borderline be involved if you were within earshot or something, but otherwise you're just butting in somewhere where you really don't need to. I don't care how much you like this kid, but by helping him out there you really aren't helping him at all. He needs to learn that if he's gonna get shitfaced, then there's probably going to be consequences for it. Just because you like him doesn't make you responsible for his actions.

    That rant being said, I've been where you are. My best friend and crush is arguably the biggest drinker of our household, and he likes to go out to party when he gets the chance. There was a big football celebration going on (we won a cup that we hadn't in like 70 years), so he was going to one of the many house parties being thrown, even though the rest of us just wanted to hang in that night. He actually didn't have any cash to get in, so I lent him some money, and yeah, that was hard. I've seen the darker side of alcohol use, so naturally I'm wary around drinking; combine that with the fact that I care for him a lot, of course I didn't want him to go, even though he's one of the most responsible people I know. But I didn't stop him because that's his decision to make. I made it clear for myself that I couldn't stop him, but the only thing I could do was ask him to be safe as he was leaving.

    I think the main things I'm trying to get at here is:

    1) Even though you might be as right as you can be, since you're not an adult it's in no way your place to stop people your age from doing things like that. I wholeheartedly agree with you in that the party was stupid on many levels, but it's not your place to do anything about it; whether that means shutting it down or stopping Darren from going. People will make their own decisions. The most you can do is share your concern, but nothing beyond that. If people's safety are at risk, then maybe, but even then you call in an adult or professional and let them take care of it; it's still not your responsibility.

    2) I think that since you're not gonna see Darren much for the rest of the summer (what about the fall, do you go to school together? I think not, but can't remember), now is the perfect opportunity to get over him, whether you like it or not. Those three things for getting over a crush - time, distance, and distraction - well, you've got all of those at your fingertips. You might as well take advantage of them. It's not the easy decision, but it's probably the one that's for the best.
     
    #6 BudderMC, Aug 2, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2012
  7. Chierro

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    Well BudderMC, I think this may be a first, but I agree with you. I know that I have to distance myself from him and after seeing the people he's picked as friends at work, a set of twins who are like freaks, a 14 year old newbie whos flat out told people he's done/does weed. But he can be a nice, smart kid. And you were right, I will hardly see him. Come August 27th, I'll only, hopefully, see him on Saturdays. I work one full week in August sadly and will be working up until at least the last weekend of September. I'm hoping he does too. As for time, I'm getting plenty of time from him now. As for distraction, he's been on my mind all day, while playing mini golf my hand was in my pocket waiting for a text.

    But here's something I haven't brought up before. He's a totsl cock tease. He'll come into work, see me looking over and lift up his shirt to adjust his belt, showing off his abs and his udnerwear. One time when he was talking to our friend Colton, I was standing right there, and Colton was picking on him about how he's so skinny and he lifetd up his shirt right then and there showing off his abs saying he keeps in shape from soccer. But I digress.

    I really just want him to talk to me. I honestly feel that if we could just talk, and that he wouldn't leave, that things would be better. Yes, I wanted to protect him. And I would do the same for my best friend Alex. It's just that, all my friends who I know drink...well things haven't been good since I found out. When my ex-best friend Athena was drinking she would text me how drunk she was, take pictures, and we became distant, she ended up outing me to my crush at that time so we're no longer friends. Another friend, Nate, drinks, granted Nate's going on 18 soon so he can make his own decisions. One time when he was drunk, he texted me saying 'if i could i would get all people of youre kind and hunt them down like animals' and I was angry at him...which is definitely understandable. I hate alcohol and when my friends go to it, it's painful.

    He may be my crush, but he's also one of my best friends. I wanted to protect him first and foremost, but obviously I sounded like some overprotective freak. I couldn't tell him my opinions on it. I just wish we could talk...
     
  8. Chierro

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  9. starlightonmars

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    I haven't read other responses, so my thoughts have probably already been covered, but I'm of the opinion that you should NOT tell the boss about the party. If it's cancelled or whatever people won't see you trying to be helpful, they'll see you as a "fun ruiner" and it's not worth it.

    Secondly, Gab and Darren are a) old enough to make their own decisions and b) of the age where they will make mistakes and learn from them. Turning up hungover to work won't really harm Darren, but if his boss comments on it or something goes wrong, he'll learn from his mistakes. It's sweet that you want to protect him but doing stupid things and learning from them is all part of growing up.

    What it's important for you to do is be firm with your beliefs - if you don't want to drink or do drugs at your age, don't. If people persist you've got to be strong and say no, and not give into peer pressure. As for Darren, if he started developing a dependence on alcohol, then would be the time to tell people. But for now, let him go to the party and make his own mistakes. And if he throws up and passes out in a bush, it's an experience, and he'll learn from it, but he'll survive.
     
  10. Chierro

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    Well as far as I know he made it through work good, granted he texted me once saying 'huh' so I'm assuming. And the party happened last night. I was onoy going to tell our boss if he got in trouble for coming to work hungover (We're warned at the beginning lf the work season that if we show up intoxicated, hungover, etc. we'll be sent home and have a possibility of being fired). I really just need to talk to him and tell him how I feel about everything. Thankfully his freakish friends will have football and college :grin:, but he may have soccer :frowning2:.
     
  11. starlightonmars

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    Exactly, he was told the rules at the beginning. If he wants to break them it's up to him to face the consequences. I think the next step might be telling him how you feel. It sounds like you're already pretty much decided on telling him, and I think you should go with it. If he was okay with you telling him you're bi he's probably already considered the possibility that you like him, and he'll probably be flattered. If he's a jerk about it then it's a good thing too; you're seeing another side of him and it'll be a good way of getting over him. Just don't leave it too late - I never told my crush I liked him and I've wished I had ever since!
     
  12. Gravity

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    This may be a drastic over-simplification of the situation, but - if you want to talk to him, why don't you talk to him? Wanting him to come to you is all fine and good, but especially if you've told him you have no interest in him, would he feel a special need to? If he just considers you a friend, he might not even be thinking that much of the coming schedule change, as he'll still see you once a week.

    I'm not saying I disagree with BudderMC about trying to get over him at this point - in fact, I'm with him in the idea that, if you're going to try to get over him, the perfect opportunity is coming up (with the time, distance, and distraction).

    I'm just saying, be honest with yourself about what you're feeling, and be pro-active about it. If that means talking to him so he understands your feelings and why you reacted to the party the way you did, then that's okay. If that means you'd rather move on and focus your attention elsewhere, that's cool too. But deciding you want to talk to him and then waiting for him to come to you will probably leave you with no answers and feeling pretty unsatisfied.
     
  13. Chierro

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    No no no no no nooo, I did NOT mean I was going to tell him my feelings for him! I meant I wanted to tell him my feelings about the party.

    And really Gravity, it's harder this year than last to just leave him be. I know that until next season we probably won't talk. Maybe, hopefully, every now and then, but still... I really want to just talk to him and tell him why I reacted like I did (I always take a defensive stance, so that I may guilt trip someone). I mean I never got the chance to tell him about everything with my other friends. I would just go to him but that's been hard, basically all summer we worked on opposite sides of the amusement park. I know that next Saturday if he goes to our Office he'll have to see me, there's really only one possibility but still, I don't think that'll happen.

    You guys have to understand, I don't want to feel pain from worrying about him, I'd love to not worry so much. I know that come end of the work season I'll try to forget about him since it's very unlikely we'll see eachother, I was going to try to convince him to join his school's bowling team so I could see him like one Saturday morning in the winter, which is pathetic, I know. I just know that I'm going to forget about my feelings for him then see him post a status on Facebook and my feelings will all come back.

    I know that last Fall-Early Spring he would post 'Truth is...' statuses and I would like them, I do for all my friends, but not once would he actually write on my wall >.> He just makes me so mad. I know he's a dick sometimes, and an idiot, and a total douchebag...but in the end my feelings are still there front and center, ready to take me out.