wish I could be straight or just not be sexual at all

[Caoimhe Fayre]

because if I weren't gay then I wouldn't have to deal with various of my "friends" using every post I put on FB or every time they encounter me as an opportunity to evangelize or try to convince me to rejoin courage

because I never would have joined courage in the first place or gone through almost a decade of hating myself and hurting myself psychologically and spiritually in an effort to change something that is outside of my power to change

because then I could get married in my church

because then I wouldn't be losing my faith

because then I wouldn't have to fight so hard to be accepted

I don't really wish I were straight, just like I don't really wish I had the guts to end my life. What I really wish is that being gay didn't appear to so many people to be an invitation to hurt me so much

I am so tired of fighting. I hope one day I won't have to fight anymore.

[Night Rain]

Of course one day we won't need to fight anymore.
I'll never "turn my back" on my orientation. It's done nothing wrong. I'm tired of fighting too, but I know what I'm doing is right, and that's all that matters. :P I'm happy that I can contribute to the fight. Even if we lose (which is highly unlikely), I won't regret a thing.

[Katelynn]

OK, first of all, I know you value your faith A LOT, so this is really important - NO ONE can take your faith away from you, your faith in God belongs to you, it isnt something you can lose unless you choose not to believe in God. This is also VERY IMPORTANT - God & God's church on earth are two VERY seperate things.

Second, that you fight to hold on to what you want & who you are & what you believe is evidence of how strong a person you realy are. Pretty much almost everything in life can be a fight sometimes, hell, I spend most days fighting to just stay sane, but that you fight is good, its strength that God has given you bc He knows you are a fighter & he knows you want what you want & love who you choose to. God made you strong bc He knows you can handle it.

Third, these so-called various 'friends' posting things on Facebook dont seem very much to be friends to me. Anyone who cant accept you for the full totality of who you are isnt a friend. Friends can disagree with your choices, but they dont make you feel like shit for making them. Ive made some horrible decisions in my life & said really bad things, but my friends have been able to look past those little things & see me as the person I am, not the decisions I make or even that Im trans & gay. Ive had several of them state when I came out to them that my gender meant nothing to them, the person I was was who they are friends with & my changing my gender or my orientation changed NOTHING for them. THAT's what friends are, people who see you for who you are, not what you are.

Fourth, my personal view of a church is that it is just a building. People say that it us where God lives, that it's God's house, his home, BUT I have always believed that God lives in each person, so that a building of brick & electrical wire & ductwork is just what it is - a building. It is my belief that only when there are people IN a church is God truly present within that building, otherwise, its just an empty building. That said (my personal belief of course, not to be forced on anyone else), getting married in a church isnt necessarily a be all end all, at least for me. Would I like to as well? Absolutely. Does it really matter to me? NO. Why? Because as long as Im allowed to marry the person I choose to, regardless of their gender or orientation, then Im happy. Im happy bc it means that the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with is someone I am able to. Physical location of where I take my vows is irrelevant to me, bc the relevant part is that the love of my life will be holding my hand on my wedding day, looking me in the eye & saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me as well. For me, I couldnt care less where she says that to me, bc those words & feelings from her mean more to me than where she says them. Again, of course, this is how I feel, but I certainly also believe that if someone wants to get married in a church, they should be able to.

Hang in there hun, I know you struggle with so much, but I promise that one day, the fog will lift & some things will just make more sense to you, it takes time, but it does happen! Hope at least a little of this made some sense...

As a side note, there are some people, some gay & some straight, who identify as asexual, meaning they are gay or they are straight, but they choose not to have sex at all. So just because youre gay doesnt mean you absolutely HAVE to have sex with someone. You can be gay & not feel like you have to have sex is all that Im saying...

[TheEdend]

One day we won't have to

Can I ask why you still have those people as friends? Is that really the people you want to keep around in your life? :/

The thing that makes everything better is to surround yourself with as many supportive people as you can. Friends, support groups, churches, etc. The less you have to deal with ignorant people, the better if feels.

[Caoimhe Fayre]

the thing is, I go to Mass (like last night) and I spend most of the time thinking about how I don't really believe anymore. I don't think I'll be able to hold onto my faith after all I don't believe that having sex, in the context of a committed relationship, is sinful. I don't believe that God is a taskmaster who demands suffering, or who would demand suffering from an entire race of people over the actions of two, or who would have his own son crucified just to make a point. I mean, does that sound like love to you?

and I'm singing in the choir and people are saying that they think I am so into what I'm singing and they love that I'm in the choir and blah blah and I'm thinking, can you not see it on my face? I'm questioning even as I'm singing! I don't believe anymore and I feel like a fraud, but I do believe that I am connected to all the people there and I love each one of them and I don't want to loose all these people from my life so I keep going.

I do believe in God. of some sort. but I just don't know anymore, I have more questions than answers again.

I think I do need to leave some of these friendships behind. I can be such a child or a peacemaker sometimes, just wanting everyone to be happy, wanting to keep all of my friends. it'll be a source of sadness for them if I unfriend them, my decision to be true to myself is already a source of sadness for them but I can't feel guilty over that. and if I have to, I guess I will unfriend them in order to protect myself.

I have so much to work through, I've had approximately a decades worth of lies and slight mistruths that somehow led me to believe that suffering for my sexual orientation was a gift that God had given me, a part of the cross, and even when I kept wondering when it was I had decided that suffering was good because everyone knows suffering is to be avoided, I still held on. but now I don't, but I am slowly deconstructing all the pieces that led me there in the first place...

I feel like a person who has been brainwashed, and now has woken up back to herself, but with all this love for all these people who were there with me and what hurts is I can't keep working on getting me back without losing so many, maybe even all, of them.

[ToTheCeilingFan]

I'm sorry hon, there aren't really any easy answers. But the one thing that you should definitely do is unfriend the bigots who are trying to change you. Their comments will just continue to make you feel bad.
There are churches that will accept you for who you are. You might want to look into Unitarian Universalist churches in your area.
Love and hugs. <3