This is a little bit similar to the thread, "Wish I could be straight or just not be sexual at all" Is it weird to want to switch off/ignore my gay side? On the one hand, I want to be in a heterosexual relationship, because that is my comfort zone, that is what I'm used to and that is what will raise the least amount of questions from the people I'm not out to yet. But on the other hand, I frequently picture myself flirting with and kissing a girl... Why the conflict? I would love to gain more experience in a lesbian relationship, but could it be my subconscious fears and uncertainty wanting to shut off those feelings? I understand that I'm leaning more towards women at the moment, but even with all of that going on in my head, I still somehow want it to go away, I want to be what society deems "normal"... The thought constantly runs through my mind, what if my mom was right? What if this is just a phase I'm going through on the road to finding my true identity, or what if this is an identity crisis and I'm choosing the "easy way out" by viewing myself as bisexual (though at the time of that argument I came out as a lesbian). So what if these feelings are fake? Then I'm again reminded of all the times I've had fantasies of women, all the times I've wanted to kiss one of my female friends, all the times I've dreamed of having a girlfriend, and reminded of the time I actually had a girlfriend (though not much happened in the relationship). I'm really frustrated. I thought this conflict would be over now that I've accepted myself. I just want it to stop. I want to just live my life and hope to meet someone really awesome real soon. Hoping it'll be a woman, so I can finally just kick this conflict out the door and be happy... :rolle:
Is it weird? It would be the easier, non-dramatic way out, and as people generally tend to be lazy... I say that's normal. It may just mean that you have other things in your life that you care more about than to deal with your sexual orientation/facing judgements. BUT it sounds like it very probably will hinder your next relationship(s) to have that hold back, especially if it's with a man. I mean, you could be in your head; is that true feelings I have for him or am I using him to flee women again? And if it's with a woman: Is it true feelings for her or am I just using her as an experiment to prove a point to myself? So.. You're 24, that's not like you're a young teen who just has to wait and see. I suggest meditation, lots of sports and to put an additional effort in your socialization with women. And also to take it slow; to not jump in a relationship unless you're certain of your feelings. This way you give yourself some peace of mind and most chances to find a good woman for you. Who knows, you might get used to/like the pride you get, walking boldly in the streets hand in hand with your girlfriend.. it's very empowering!
