I've just finished an exchange year abroad. Before I left I challenged myself to use the year to finally figure out my sexuality. That was a good idea in theory, a year to explore without anyone who knows me finding out. (I turned out to be too much of a chicken to take full advantage). The downside is that I mentally categorised this year as a sort of parallel universe, that doesn't impact my 'real' life here at all. Now I seem to be dismissing the tentative ideas I came up with while I was there. Before I left I already knew that I'd be likely to freak out a bit when I got home. In that respect I exceeded myself, dumped anything that could connect me to the LGBT club I went to a few times, and (to my shame) found myself regretting adding some of the people met at that club as facebook friends. I wasn't expecting all the mental blocks that suddenly appeared though (as if I didn't have enough of them already). My mind just feels completely messed up, I can't tell if it is denial or if my questioning was just a case of an over active imagination in the first place. Since I got back, I've found it harder to talk about myself on here, so this thread is an attempt to force myself to keep posting. EC is the only thing that survived my panic and I don't want to let myself just drop it. I don't know what to do (or whether to just give up and ignore all this)?
Don't give up and ignore it, I've tried that before and it'll work for a while, but eventually it will come back and you'll be back where you started or worse off. I have anxiety issues and for me trying to ignore my sexuality basically led to me being paranoid that everything I did would lead to someone finding out that I'm gay, that was not a good place. I'm still trying to get my brain to realize that that won't happen, but the thought is still in the back of my mind. I think that I if I had confronted my sexuality years ago when I first started questioning, I likely wouldn't have found myself being paranoid and my anxiety may not be as bad, or least I'd have one less thing to worry about.
You can't just walk away from this, as much as you'd like to. Your sexuality isn't going to just disappear. It's going to be something you'll have to deal with for the rest of your life, and the sooner you come to terms with it the better off you'll be. Just keep posting on EC, and everyone is obviously going to help you as much as we can.
I agree You practically summed up everything that has happened to me. I tried to run away and ignore my feelings, but it didn't last too long. Catkin - You cannot run away from who you are. I have trouble too, sometimes, but I think if you follow your heart then you can't go wrong.
Please don't give up. Be proud of taking the steps you have towards figuring out who you are. It sounds like you have dipped your toe in the water when protected by anonymity but now you have returned are scared. I would say that is a fairly normal reaction, I can certainly relate. It takes some people a lot longer than others to work towards acceptance. When I studied abroad, I had a shocking experience in which I realised that I was gay (I had set aside my teenage feelings as a phase). At the time I was in a relationship with a guy that lasted another eight years after this realisation. I actually shared my feelings with him at the time because I thought our relationship was over. It wasn't because he tried to convince me that I wasn't gay and I went along with it as I did not want to be gay. Although I loved him dearly, my many years of denial have been damaging. Please be brave. Take it slowly and take your time. I am going to repeat what Pinklov3ly just said, word for word: Catkin- You cannot run away from who you are. In my experience, the longer you run, the harder it is to get to yourself in the end. Be brave and keep posting. You are worth it. Take care, Rose
