Does anyone have any experiences with this? Or any ideas? I'm sort of at a loss.. but I want to be out to my parents before I go to college, in a week. Oh goodness. Advice would be great, thanks.
My Mom has also BPD and telling her about me being a girl that likes girls (I am a girl but she raised me as a boy and taught me to not date anyone because people are bad) was a challenge because she was calling me a bad child that wanted to ruin the family's rep. But still, I stood firm for myself and I'm much better. If it's not too nosy, what kind of behavior does she have?
I.. don't even know where to start. But I'll try explaining her behavior, and super sorry for the ridiculously long word block. Don't feel like you need to read all of it, lol. The only dysfunctional relationship in my life is with my mother. She is completely unpredictable. One minute she will act like everything is fine, and the next minute she makes us feel like we are selfish and horrible children. I am constantly fearful of this. I have no clue when she's going to have an outburst. It's like a switch flips on her. She's alienated he entire family. Note: She has about 9-10 siblings all with families. I have a TON of people with whom I don't have a relationship because of my mother. She acts like there's nothing there to stop us from seeing them. However, her demeanor and everything about her actions says otherwise. Basically, it feels like when I grow up I will have to choose her or them. At sometimes, she will outburst at us and make us feel like we are selfish, greedy children who think of no one but ourselves. But on the other hand, it seems to calm her down greatly when we need her for things - as if she feels much more secure. She does things for us, as any parent would, but later uses it against us. (I don't know exactly how to describe it, except as leverage.) When I was in elementary school, for threeish weeks after Mother's day, she became cold and upset. She barely talked to our family and acted so cold. I had no clue how to process it and blamed myself for not showing enough appreciation. We dread mother's day every year, because no matter what we say or what presents we get her, it's always wrong. When she has an outburst, no matter how unreasonable or ridiculous, there is no reasoning. She has an incredible ability to whip out examples from years ago and use our words against us. We can't win in an argument because as soon as we make a point, she makes that argument about something else. What sickens me most is that in public, she is completely different. She never says hello, goodbye, how are you, etc. Her tone of voice when she talks to us is caustic, biting, and causes a constant feeling of anxiety inside. BUT when she picks up the phone, or opens the door, her voice completely changes. She even said goodbye to us when she was leaving with a friend. My dad never does anything with his friends because she has alienated them and makes him feel horrible about going out to do anything. She has made me feel selfish for going out and doing things, but a week later has lectured me on my lack of social life and how I need to find a balance in my life. She always assumes the worst about our intentions. If I don't answer in a split second she assumes that I don't want her with me. If we get separated in a grocery store she accuses me of trying to lose her on purpose. When she asks questions, they are in the form of statements, always asking the wrong thing, like "You didn't take your vitamins today?" or "You didn't do any of your homework?" When she talks to me I don't know how to respond. I find myself staring in the space away from her face because I'm scared that she'll accuse me of something. When I ask her not to yell at me she says "I'm not yelling. Do you want to hear me yell?!" She has provoked me by doing a chore she knows that I wanted to do and . The next time she tried to and I refused to engage, she angrily came inside and.. geez. I don't even know how to describe the way she twisted my words. Sometimes she perfectly normal, but then as always, she flips. If she was acting hurtful to my sister and fine to me, it flip flops. And she's been accused of taking it out on everyone when she's having an episode at one person. So recently she would start at one person, and then find something from three weeks ago to get mad at me for. I can't become my own person because she (tries to) control every aspect of what I do. Every single action I do has her shadow hanging over it if that makes sense. For a long time I have accepted fault for the way she acts, because I cannot live up to her expectations. For a time after that I accepted that I am constantly rebelling against her. It hurts so much that it's hard for other people to understand - I am a teenager, so the situation seems to be my fault. I have realized that it's not my fault though - my immediate family, save my mom, has stood around incredulously discussing her ridiculousness before. She doesn't trust anyone. I went to see the school counselor because I told my coach that I was feeling suicidal. When she found out she went ape-s**t (there is no other way to describe it) saying that if I told people things like that people would put labels on my that I'd never be able to get rid of. I stopped going and acted like I had overcame my feelings by trying to think positively. (When my sister was having similar issues later, she asked me how I overcame it and suggested that my sister do the same.) She doesn't understand how people can feel differently about something, even as simple as pizza toppings. If she disagrees with someone's opinion, she disagrees with the person in general too.
Your mother is like mine then, you're going to have a difficult time dealing with this then. In a way I suggest you to out yourself from afar when you're out from the home in college. I know it's not the choice you wanted but if she's going to be batsh*t (she will probably be), I suggest you should do it by distance for your own mental safety. I know is rough, you want to do this before college but you have to think about yourself, especially if you want things to go smoothly before college.
