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is there something wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by CTJ, Aug 4, 2012.

  1. CTJ

    CTJ
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    The past week or so ive been having massive mood swings, ups and downs. Normally i just wave this off as having a down day, but these have been so dramatically different that im starting to think that maybe i should see someone.

    Basically this week has been abit of a rollercoaster, i was flying high on tuesday, planning on how i could come out to people, generally having a great day. Then the very next day all i could think about was how miserable my life is and how everything sucks. I spent most of the day fighting back tears, and im not a particularly emotionally person. Ive only cried twice in maybe 10 or so years (which is kind of sick considering my mum nearly died of cancer last year and i didnt shed a single tear), so to be nearly crying at work was a big deal for me.

    Then the day after i was happy again! I was laughing and joking with everyone at work as if nothing had happened. This has happened all week with on and off days. To me it kind of sounds like i may be abit bipolar, but i swear the mood swings are supposed to last long with it.

    Maybe i just need a heavy dose of man the f*ck up and get on with life.

    (not gonna lie, but writing it down like this does make it seem like im just being a miserable git and i just need to buck up, feel free to tell me if thats all it is)
     
  2. Bobbgooduk

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    It sounds like you're from Leicester or Derby! :roflmao:

    It could be worse - I'm from Stoke originally :tears:

    Seriously, we all get out of kilter occasionally. Maybe it's a reaction to your mum being ill - sometimes we cope with things at the time and then it sneaks up on us months later.

    Without really realizing it, you sort of see what you almost lost and something totally unrelated can provoke a delayed reaction. You had a terrible fright and it's bound to surface eventually.

    From reading your previous posts, you sound quite level-headed and 'together' so enjoy a good weep if you want - it's not unmanly or inappropriate if it's what you need to let off the steam.

    If it carries on, though, say a couple of months, then I'd go to the doctor and tell him/her of your mood swings and seek advice. Best to nip it in the bud rather than wondering if you should have gone two years down the line.

    Good luck (*hug*):smilewave
     
  3. CTJ

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    Lol, they'd probably be better places to live than where i am, a boring little town in Northamptonshire where nothing really happens.
    But maybe you're right, i do tend to have a problem with repressing all emotion (My parents used to call me a robot when i was a kid), today im in a great mood, but lets see where it gets me.

    Its strange, on my good days i feel almost happy with myself and the gay, but on the down days theres nothing im more ashamed of. One step forwards and two steps back so to speak.
     
  4. Bobbgooduk

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    I wish I could magic the shame away for you - but that's something you have to deal with yourself.

    I'm not ashamed at all - anymore - but I was.

    Glad to hear you're having a great day!

    Northhampton - well at least that's better than Leicester!

    I'm going to Bedford on the 18th for my cousin's son's wedding - another town I'd rather drive around rather than through!

    Enjoy the sun! :smilewave
     
  5. CTJ

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    It such a bizarre thought to me, to be proud of myself. I cant wait to get there, ever since joining EC ive felt closer to it happening everyday.

    Have fun in Bedford! I must admit, its one of those places i'd rather not visit again, but to be honest, im not a fan of many places in my surrounding area. I used to live just outside of Cambridge and i'd love to go back there, but its far too expensive and the work just isnt there. So im stuck in Kettering for the time being.
     
  6. Chip

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    My guess is, since you're probably actively coming to terms with who you are, *and* being in a place of starting to come out, a lot of the "numbing" of emotion you've had to do over the years is going away, and your emotions are "thawing."

    One of the most insidious things about shame (in this case, shame of being gay) is how it affects our sense of belonging. Shame makes us feel that we don't belong, affects our self esteem, causes us to numb emotions, and forces us to be inauthentic.

    This, in turn, requires more numbing, because when we, unconsciously, realize we're "fitting in" instead of being who we really are, it creates that much more shame, as the underlying message is "no one would accept me if I were to be my authentic self."

    And if there are other issues, such as overly critical or judging parents, that contributes all the more to numbing and the loss of emotional expression.

    But, as you're finding out, when you start to unlock the numbness, which happens as soon as you start being more authentic, then the emotions start coming out. And people who have numbed for a long time have a lot of emotion locked up. So the roller-coaster effect you're feeling is actually quite common when the numbing starts to thaw out.

    That's usually really terrifying, particularly to people who aren't used to emotional expression, because it feels out of control, foreign, and just very odd. But in reality, it's quite normal, and the mood swings go away as you become more comfortable in your more authentic self.

    At the risk of repeating myself too much... Brené Brown's TED videos would be worth a watch, as she describes this in a lot more detail (and with a lot more eloquence and humor) than I can here. But I think this will really help you understand:
    [youtube]iCvmsMzlF7o[/youtube]​

    Take a look at that and see if it resonates with you. The best thing you can do to help the process along is to keep talking about it, as the strongest antidote to shame is simply talking about the shameful things.... which you've already started doing :slight_smile:
     
  7. CTJ

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    That video was creepy. So much of it touched upon what i feel without me even realising that this is what ive been doing all my life.

    I fear vulnerability, its terrifying for me to think of people knowing everything about me. It just doesnt seem right to let down those defences and let people in, i've never really had anyone in my life that has been ok with letting people in, its always been a personal matter.

    The video mentioned the numbing of all emotions, not just the bad, but the good included. That is totally me! I remember when i was around 10ish, my parents bought me a gameboy game and i said thank you. They then shouted at me for not showing any gratitude, so i shouted back, asking whether they wanted me to jump up and down and scream like a child. They never really bothered me again with it, just the occasional "you need to smile".

    Ive never really thought of my life as "fitting in" by not being myself and thats what forces me to numb myself. I mean, thinking about it, whenever im around anyone at work and they start talking about hot women, sex, etc, etc, and i chime in the conversation with my own ridiculous lies, thats when i feel worse about myself. Its usually when i light up another cigarette and force my feelings away. Ive tried to quit smoking so many times over the past 8 years and i always come back to it because the cigarettes help get me through my down days.

    I honestly cant imagine myself ever to not numb my emotions, its just who ive been from such a young age. Sometimes i think it'd just be easier to go to the doctors and get myself some happy pills, and maybe some sleeping tablets while im there too seeing as this keeps me up most nights :/
     
  8. Rose

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    Hi CTJ

    I just want to empathise with your feelings right now. You do seem pretty good at holding things together so these extreme moods are bound to throw you off balance. But I think it is probably a fairly normal reaction to what you are going through. I too have learned fairly recently about my own numbed emotions. Numbing emotions is a way of protecting yourself from pain. But numbed pain does not disappear, it is there, and I believe in order to live with more peace and harmony, the pain (and shame) needs to be allowed to surface.

    What Chip wrote to you (quote below) applies exactly to me. I would never have described myself as having low self-esteem, so it has come as quite a shock to realise just how much I lack self-worth.

    I can't give you magic solutions, only share what I am doing myself. I'm also in touch with Brené Brown's work and read her book The gifts of imperfection and am looking for other worthy literature. I'm gradually exposing my pain and shame in the safety of sessions with my therapist and trying to open up to selected and trusted friends. Also, I'm trying not to be hard on myself. Addictions of different sorts have featured in my life over the years, and whilst I no longer smoke or drink to excess, I have not yet conquered the unhealthy relationship I currently have with food.

    Appearing very happy after feeling very sad resonates strongly with me as well. I know that I often use laughter and humour to disguise my true emotions because quite frankly I do not want to come across as miserable. My low self-esteem dictates that it is very important to be liked and likeable so that means I have to put a mask on. Oh how I long for the day when I can truly be myself AND be able to know what my feelings are! Hearing people like Bobbgooduk say they used to be ashamed but are no longer fills me with hope.

    Thank you for sharing, your post has been really helpful for me.

    Take Care,

    Rose
     
  9. Chip

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    That, to me, is the amazing thing about her work. It deeply touches almost everyone who watches it, because, as she says, we all have shame, but most of us don't talk about it.
    I think allowing yourself to be seen *is* a terrifying experience for those of us who are used to being completely closed down and numbed. But remaining numb is much worse; it prevents us from truly experiencing and enjoying life. We can get by, and fit in, but we can't really enjoy life that way.

    And that's one of the reasons why, particularly for LGBT people, the "fitting in" is particularly insidious, because it drives us further into the closet, and harms our sense of self even more, because we're actively "counterfeiting" ourselves, reinforcing the notion that our authentic selves aren't worthy, and that we will be rejected if we let our authentic selves be seen.

    Shame is very, very highly correlated with addiction. I just read a statistic that addicts (whether to drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes, or to food, exercise, video games) score somthing like five times higher, on average, on shame measurement tests. And you've hit it on the head: whatever it is, we use it to numb our emotions, and to allow ourselves to stay away from authenticity.

    I think most people who have a history of extreme numbing behavior feel the exact same way you do. And walking into the fear and facing the feelings isn't easy. But it is something that's worth doing, and I think you'll be surprised that as soon as you start taking steps in that direction (which you're already doing) you'll start seeing change. Some of it might not be fun right at first... as you've already seen, there will be some roller-coaster days. But those will give way to a lot more weeks and months and years where you're living life much more fully and authentically.
     
  10. Rose

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    Thank you Chip. I know not for me ;-) But totally helpful nonetheless. My own emotions are so deeply buried that I am finding it hard to allow them to surface. My learned instinct is to shut the door and keep things inside. That is how I have learned to protect myself. That you are very knowledgeable about this subject leads me to believe that you have personal experience and that you have managed to overcome shame. This gives me hope.
     
  11. CTJ

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    Rose, i feel for you. I know just how it feels to have that instinct to just close the door and pretend the feelings arent there. I'm trying, i really am, but everytime i start to feel like i can acknowledge the feelings im having, it feels wrong.

    Its almost as if my whole personality revolves around the lack of feelings and when i try and let those out, it feels like im lying to myself. My mind says "this isn't who i am, i dont have ups and downs like this, i must have something wrong with me"

    After watching Brene and reading all the great advice, i know its just part of accepting myself and letting down barriers, but its still hard to stop the instinct to just repress the feelings and carrying on 'as normal'.