Urgh, transgender, maybe?

Yes. Absolutely. Except that I eventually decided that I feel genderqueer, not FtM, which fits under the transgender heading. To be perfectly honest, I don't know that I WON'T decide that I'm NOT FtM at some point.

My biggest problem is that I feel more like a feminine gay man than a woman (and very much the bottom)- and most people outside of gay communities wouldn't recognize the distinction. I didn't even.

My second problem is psychological- I wonder if I'm creating this whole situation because I want to stand out. Or am I questioning it because I want to fit in? How do I know what to believe, even inside my own head?

So yeah, your not the only person struggling to figure this out.

 

It's like a mini me posting this.

I have not always felt that I was trans. I also watch some transmen on Youtube who say they only figured it out in College or whatever so I think you're fine.

In my honest opinion, try and contact your local lgbtq youth centre, and see if you can talk to someone there who can give you some information about being trans, or just to talk. At least for me, that was the most helpful thing. You can also PM me once you're a full member if you need advice.<3

 

I know people hate to hear what I'm about to suggest and I actually hate to mention it myself but this time I believe it's very likely probable:

Sounds to me like your feminine body is blooming with teenage years and you would be part of those women who have an hard time accepting the changes (physical ones and mental ones). Since you've been a girly child and didn't always feel that way, also, since you accept/wish to live as a woman for the straight guys you crush on. I know too many women who felt like that and finally accepted their femininity in their 20ies... but I'm no doctor.

First step is you should try to consult a gender therapist, they will help a whole lot to figure out who you are Good luck.

 

These reasons, both for and against, are precisely why you need to seek a certified therapist who deals with sexual and gender identity.
Not only will they help you deal with all the questions you might have and help you discover your own answers, but they will be there to help you on the path to becoming the person you believe you should be.
The simple truth is, you can articulate your thoughts as much as you like on a forum, and you will get plenty of people contacting you offering their advice from how they've dealt with situations like this, but this is such a personal journey that the best thing you can do is speak to doctor/therapist because they'll give you real world connections that can help you, if this is who you should be.

For what it's worth, I knew someone who didn't realise they wanted to be a woman until they were in their 20's, so it's not simply a case of "always knowing".

 

I also think you should talk to an experienced gender therapist about these issues you're having. You're having these feelings for a reason. Your first four points do mirror me, except backwards of course. Not the last three, though.

 

I whole heatedly agree with everyone who has suggested seeking counsel from a certified therapist that has a concentration in gender and sexuality. While we can help, support, and guide you through ideas and suggestions, it would be in your best interest to discuss everything you're feeling with someone who can sit down and take the time to be deeply involved. They're certified for a reason.

I have so very recently decided that Genderqueer fits me as a label much better than saying I'm transgender. And it's partly because I do at times, feel like my natural sex is as natural as it gets. Still, I know that there is so much more to it than that.

I wouldn't want you to feel like you have to call yourself transgender. Labels can be just as detrimentally constricting as helpful. Nobody is the same. And if you're questioning whether or not you're transgender then there's a good possibility that there might just be more to it than that.

Good luck. <3

 

You don't need to tell your parents to meet a gender therapist; just go to your school counselor and explain the situation, he/she should arrange you meetings with such a person.

Take that back, my wife thinks you may have to wait a year before doing that without your parents knowing. In any case, your school counselor would know..

 

There's no shame in telling a therapist that you're questioning yourself, now is there? That's what they're there for, and she's probably heard that one many times already and won't make a big deal out of it

 

Actually, I went to a therapist at my university when I was really depressed and suicidal about my gender identity disorder. He was an ordinary therapist too. He helped me get over a lot of my depression, though, and helped me come out to my parents. It happened in his office. He also gave me information on a gender therapist in the same city my university is. So, yes, your therapist will be wonderful person to come out to and you may find they become a great asset.

 

This is gonna be easier said than done maybe ... and I know how difficult it can be. Try not to rush to define it. For some people it's "easy" (I'm not saying identifying as trans is simple or anything ...), and for some people it takes a long time and for some, it takes an even longer time to do anything about it after they started identifying as trans.

I don't know if your able to do this, or if your comfortable doing this. You can try going to a close friend ad tell them how you have been questioning your gender. You can ask them to start using male pronouns and how you feel about it. Maybe even have a masculine name (could be a nick name and not something you have to change into in the future) and ask them to use it. This is only some experimentation. It may or may not help you sort things out. Sometimes a trans person may have the social dysphoria, sometimes it's the body dysphoria and sometimes its both but at different levels. There really isn't one way to be trans.

I don't claim to be an expert in this though since I am still working on it myself. I am planning to see a gender specialist once my insurance kicks in. The others are right, try to see if you can get someone who is more knowledgable about gender issues.

I started to get people to call me by a different name and some friends use he and most still use she. I realized I had a lot less dysphoria when I did use a more gender neutral name (my birth name is super girly). And that I didn't care at the moment which pronouns people use.

 

@Fallible

I'm with all your yes except the 3rd one, I can positively understand how girls do those things lol. May be that should make me more girlish but that doesn't, it makes me gay.:icon_wink

When it come to your reasons for not:

well, I have wondered like this before but lately I have found there are lot who discover about their internal gender lately. search on wiki for a list of transgenders and read their life stories you can find some late discoveries even in that. only thing is it's less one show Gender Identity Disorder as they wouldn't be kids anymore to cry for what they want, but just struggle with what they can have.

and ask your self does every (biological) male here sound exactly like the stereotypical male. so actually I wouldn't bother about how you used to be If I were you, but then you have to decide it.

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To me it sounds like you are trying to fit in to the stereotype when trying to figure this out. I think everyone's individual and each have their own way when dealing with feelings. As for me it never came at once but slowly and flowed more easily when I opened my heart to it and listened to my feelings without considering likes or dislikes concerning it.

That's the real opportunity you'll have being a girl, when you like guys instead of their opposite. that's you can be with guys without any drama haha. I also think of that sometimes, wouldn't it be so easy with the life, but then the question is do I want to be a girl for ever and will I survive it happily. IDK about you.

But who you like to have for date is definitely not concerned with your gender, it's just about the sexual orientation. you could still be a transgender and like men. bc it's two separate things. that is: if you are male inside but like guys you would be gay. that is it can have both.

definitely that doesn't sound like gibberish, it's better you figure it out sooner and best way for it is to gain knowledge regarding what you going through.

I'm sure there are a lot like you, I'm a one. only thing is we see lots of posts on sexual orientation here and less on gender identity and lesser on FTM and even there are it's hard to find all of them. So it's better ask, some of us may have something to say.

Also please note that I'm not saying you are transgender male or gay, only you can figure out who you are. As yours seem to have some similarities with my past experiences I thought this might help you.

 

Fallible,

First I want to send you a big hug. Everyone needs those. Next, since you have a regular therapist I urge you to talk to him/her about your feelings and confusion. Growing up is confusing for everyone, some even more than others. Your therapist is legally not allowed to reveal anything you discuss with them, so open up and be honest. If they don't feel they can help you well enough they should be able to refer you to another professional who can. I urge you to continue reaching out here for support. You are not alone! My daughter is transgender. I know how confusing and scary your feelings can be! Best of luck and be yourself always!