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Don't know where to go from here

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dano22, Aug 5, 2012.

  1. dano22

    dano22 Guest

    I feel lost in life. I never thought I would feel this lost in my life again. Well i graduated from a one year college program last year and went back home to my small town and could not find a job so I lived with my parents for a few months.

    My sister's wedding was in the summer of 2011 and we were not getting along at all and are relationship is not great at all. She makes it known that she wants nothing to do with me and it is very awkward to be around her and her husband. It will be two years this fall since she had started being hostile towards me for reasons I am still unsure of. I am pretty sure that it is because I am gay. My parents don't see that anything is wrong or they just don't want to admit that there might be something wrong. I only admitted this to a few people that her wedding was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

    When I went to college in 2010 I was surrounded by homophobic roommates it was high school all over again. I had a one year lease so I could not really move out of that apartment so I had to deal with homophobia for a year which made me suicidal.

    I ditched my friends in High School and even though i had a horrible college experience I still made friends with some decent people. Well even though some of them accepted me when I came out after graduation they stopped talking to me after awhile. That is when I realized I care about them more than they care about me. A girl who I thought was a really great friend has not talked me since may and even thought we cannot see each other often we used to talk all the time. Her dad passed away last may and i understand how hard that can be but she talks to my other college friends all the time on facebook.

    When I moved back to my hometown I had no friends and still don't have any friends where I live. I live in a small city and I have no social life. I go to work at a nursing home and its a ok job but its not my ideal job. I have been looking for jobs in the nearest large city and I cannot wait to get out of my hometown. There are no glbt groups in my hometown or anything so I can't really find any support.

    Ever since I started my job I developed a addiction to caffeine pop and even though it gets me through the day I cannot sleep at night. Having no friends in my hometown and being alone in my apartment causes me to constantly reflect on the same things in my past everyday and I am tired of doing this to myself. I know suicide is not the way out of anything and don't want to go down that path but sometimes it feels like there is nothing left for me in my life.
     
  2. Bobbgooduk

    Bobbgooduk Guest

    Joined:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First of all, you choose your friends but not your family. There is no reason on earth for you to even LIKE your siblings - you had no choice in the matter. My brother and I didn't talk for 20 years and I still don't know what I did wrong. We are now best friends again and I can't explain how that came about.

    As far as college is concerned, we all have friends we lose touch with. It's not intentional, it's just that the focus of your attention changes. You probably notice it more because of your situation back in your hometown, but wherever you lived, you'd find that your friendship group would change. There are friends I was really close to at university, that I shared a house with and did everything together with, and I don'[t even get a Christmas card from them now. I used to send cards regularly, but I gave up after a while. It's a natural process and it has nothing to do with YOU or your being gay, although you might feel it more keenly as you are feeling lonely and vulnerable.

    What are you looking for? Friendship or a relationship? What you decide on this can help you determine your next course of action.

    Try not to be despondent - it only hurts you and it doesn't make it any easier to deal with your situation.

    As far as the 'addiction' goes, you could try diluting it with soda and gradually wean yourself off it. It's not helping you sleep, as you said, and lack of sleep can be a big factor in developing depression - a contributory factor anyway.

    There are lots of friends here (&&&)
     
  3. maxx

    Full Member

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    Dano - as Bob says, though you may not currently have many friends locally, you have lots of friends here who understand exactly what you are going through - and we're more than happy to provide whatever support you need! (And of course not only are we okay with you being gay, we think it is fantastic! :slight_smile:

    (*hug*)

    I'm sure it is challenging when you are living in a small town in a homophobic environment, but it looks like you are on your way to moving to a larger city - that's great! Are you making good progress finding a new job? I'm sure that will open up a whole new life for you!

    (&&&)
    Maxx
     
  4. dano22

    dano22 Guest

    Thanks for the feedback. I know I have a lot of support here and I appreciate it but there is a big difference between a computer screen and someone in real life to talk to. I want to maintain the real friendships I made as best as I can. I let go of my friends in High School because they were homophobic and I did not need them in my life. Your right that my friends in college not talking to me as much anymore would not make such a difference if I did have a social life in my hometown a huge difference. What I need to is focus on the positive and find ways to deal with the situation i am in.
     
  5. Bobbgooduk

    Bobbgooduk Guest

    Joined:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Perhaps if you post on EC asking if anyone has any ideas for the area you live in - clubs, societies or gay-freindly bars.

    Lonely Planet do guides which also offer suggestions for LGBT - have you thought of looking in a LP guide for your area and seeing what's there you might never have known about. It's amazing sometimes how much you miss which is right under your nose.

    What about organizing a re-union for your college friends - a weekend get-together somewhere central so you can hang out and catch up with each other. It doesn't have to be expensive, especially if you're all content just to relax with each other rather than "do stuff".

    How about inviting people to come and stay for a long weekend - a grown-up sleep-over!

    Shoot me down if you want - I'll keep thinking for you!(&&&)
     
  6. dano22

    dano22 Guest

    Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it. My hometown used to have a LGBT Group in my town at a church that would meet but they lost funding or something and it is not going on anymore. It was very disappointing but I am actually in contact with some members of the group and have been for years.