Is it selfish to tell someone you love them?

[pnoc]

I recently told one of my best friends that I loved her after coming out as bi. Feelings for her were the reason why I discovered this about myself. We'd known each other for 2 years and were really close to begin with but I felt we were drifting away a bit. She's got a boyfriend so I knew it wouldn't work out. But now she's saying that I was selfish to tell her as she now thinks of our entire previous friendship as one big lie. Apparently I have put her in a horrible situation by simply telling her the truth. I wanted to tell her as I believe honesty is the best policy. Other people knew and it would only be a matter of time before she found out through someone else - again not what I thought was the best way. I told her I knew it couldn't work but I still wanted to be friends with her.
Noticeably it's helped to get it out in the open for me, I'm now getting over it and moving on, but I feel so so bad that it's upset her so much. I don't want to apologise though for loving her, I mean it's not my fault I feel that way, but perhaps it was my fault in telling her.
I'm really just wondering what I should reply to her as the email she sent me really stung. I've already lost a good friend this year and it looks like I'll be fast loosing another.

[BudderMC]

I feel like, before anything else, about now is that time you should stop e-mailing her and sit down and have a talk in person. It's much easier to read what people are really thinking face-to-face, when there isn't any time to formulate what exactly you're going to respond with. Emotions are more raw, if you get what I mean.

(of course, unless there's a reason that's preventing you from seeing her in person)

Anyways, I don't think it's necessarily selfish, but I guess it obviously depends on the context. If it was more of a "I have feelings for you and know you don't like me that way, but I wanted you to hear from me and not someone else" then I'd say that's cool. If you just dropped the "I love you" bomb and left it at that, then maybe what she's thinking is why exactly you decided to tell her. Again, I don't know how much you explained, but it could have come off to her like you were trying to break her and her boyfriend up. Not the most logical answer, I know, but to completely stereotype people, that's kind of what girls in love do: get all overprotective and stuff.

So no, I don't think it's necessarily selfish, but I think you need to sit and really clear the air with her. The longer it goes where you two are thinking different things (because it's unlikely you're on the same page and one person is pissed but the other is fine), the longer these misconceptions build and the more believable they become.

Good luck to you though, and welcome to EC!

[blightedsight]

Listen, at the end of the day, all you've actually done is tell someone you love them. OK, that might be hard for your friend to hear because of your friendship and the fact she's clearly not into you that way, but had you not informed her, the chances are your friendship would have imploded anyway under the stress of you keeping this secret.

What you need to explain to your friend is that while you have these feelings, you have absolutely no delusions that she is a)interested in you and b)leaving her boyfriend, however, you believe that your friendship warranted that honesty because you value it so much. It is better for you to be honest so you can move on, than allow this issue to become so big it would ruin any future friendship you two have.

[pnoc]

Thanks guys you're being wonderful x

[Romi]

Originally Posted by blightedsight

Listen, at the end of the day, all you've actually done is tell someone you love them. OK, that might be hard for your friend to hear because of your friendship and the fact she's clearly not into you that way, but had you not informed her, the chances are your friendship would have imploded anyway under the stress of you keeping this secret.

I just want to point out that this very thing happened to me. My best friend for six years and I were the closest of close. I lived with them very quite a long time. While I had partners, they never did. They never felt the need to. And while many people knew the two of us were very close, I'm not sure if we knew just how close we were ourselves.

In our sixth year I went to university. They had another year, due to being sick and missing too many days to graduate. But it was fine. With only a 45 minute drive, we saw each other regularly. Oftentimes we shared a bed, which was nothing knew. But I remember the 4th of July before they were joining me in university...we had went to bed that night, cuddled up as always. No one else in the house thought anything of it. It was natural for us to be like that. But what was different this night was the overwhelming urge I had to kiss them.

You see...I had slowly begun to realize that the two of us had entered unknowingly into a sort of relationship with one another. They were straight and I realized in full confidence, despite all my previous years of wavering, that I was not straight, and I was inexplicably in love with them as I had always been. In that moment it was so clear. After that night, everything changed.

Our friendship was painful. Eventually...it dwindled. They avoided me. When we did talk it was either awkward, full of grief for us both, or we ended up fighting. The fights were mostly me and my unfortunate defense mechanism being one of anger. In the end, our friendship does not exist.

While it was hard to lose them as a friend, and my first and dearest love, I realized that it was better. When we finally talked and got things out in the open, even though the consequences weren't exactly pleasant, they were still better than continuing on in that unbearable tension.

The words 'I love you' were frequently used between us with how deep our bond was, but I uttered them in romanticism...



Just yesterday I told someone I love them. I made it clear that I wasn't looking to jump into commitment since we both have our own goals to pursue. I wasn't asking for a lifetime together. And I wasn't expecting to hear it back. I just wanted them to know. We've been talking for roughly 8 months now. And while that's such a short amount of time, we have grown so close. I care so much about them. The feeling is mutual. I realized last week..I really do such intense feelings for this person. I refrained from telling them on several occasions, though it ate me alive. Finally...what it came down to was...

What if something happened? To me. To them? What if something happened and I was never able to let them know just how much they meant to me? Would it really be selfish to let someone in this world know that they had someone else who loved and cared about them?

It's not always going to be the same for everyone. Every situation is different. In the end you just have to decide what is best for YOU. Taking care of someone else's feelings is wonderful, but if you don't take care of yourself then it's all in vain.

I know I probably rambled some. I've got a bad habit of doing that. But I hope sharing my experiences can help you figure things out, for now and for the future. Good luck with everything, hun.

[AshenAngel]

Its never selfish to be honest. You can't help loving someone(her), and she needs to realise that. If telling someone you love them is selfish, then I'm guilty of being the biggest fucking miser here.<3