Need help with crush...

[bicurious]

Hi all, I'm new to this site and am hoping to get some advice with a problem I'm having.

First, a little about me. I'm a late 30 something single female, mostly straight but have suspected I may be bi on and off for a number of years. I've never had a relationship with a woman but have had a few relationships with men.

My current problem is this: I have a serious crush on a gay man. He is someone I work with - he is a sort of mentor to me in my job. We are the same age. He is one of the kindest people I know. I developed a crush on him a few months ago and have been trying to get over it, but it's not working... I know he was in a long term relationship with a man until recently and he is now single. I actually was making some progress in getting over him until I found out he was single, and then I feel like it threw me back into the crush full force again. It's a huge crush, I think about him all the time. I know he likes me, and I can tell he is genuinely interested in helping me at work - he goes out of his way and bends over backward to help me, when I walk into the room, I can tell he notices me and I truly think he cares about me as a mentor. I'm guessing that's all it is from his side, but I'm not sure.

I don't know what to do. I can't see asking him if he's interested - I think it's so unlikely, and I don't want to sabotage my working relationship with him. I wish I could stop thinking about him.

Someone help me.

~Heartsick

[alexi12]

Hi! Welcome to EC

Getting over a crush is hard... but I think it is unlikely that you will ruin things with him. Odds are being a gay man, he has dealt with many crushes on straight men... and would fully understand having a crush on someone even though he knows it wouldn't work. That at least seems likely to me.

Getting over a crush it may be in your best interests to temporarily try and distance yourself somewhat from him.

Are you sure that he is not bi-sexual? Has he said he is gay, or did you just assume he is because he had a long term relationship with a man? That could make a big difference.

[bicurious]

Hi Alexi, Thanks for your reply.

He is openly gay, though I don't know for sure that he is not Bi. I have just assumed he's gay because that's how everyone at work knows him. He is active in the LGBT community.

I don't know whether to tell him or not. Do you think telling him would help me?

I can try distancing myself, but I do have to work directly with him some at work, and I worry about making him think I don't like him (sometimes I can come across cold to people so I feel like I have to work hard not to be that way, if that makes sense...)

[Nobodylikesme]

Im no expert on this but, just be careful and remember this is a working environment. He might get weirded out. I agree that distance would be good. My intuition tells me you are going to get hurt in the end. I hope I'm wrong

[bicurious]

Thanks for the responses.

Oddly, writing this thread sort of helped me a little, I think. I realize that I am allowing myself to entertain a fantasy that can't happen.

I'm going to take your advice and try to distance myself a bit and look for someone who is available to me.

Thanks again.

[Bobbgooduk]

I would ask you to be sensitive and not make him think he has done something wrong. He's not responsible for the fact you have a crush on him.

It would be a shame if he's made to feel you feel uncomfortable around him, if you get what I mean.

Welcome to EC, by the way.

[bicurious]

Bobbgooduk, thank you for saying that. I do need to be careful because sometimes I can come across as cold and people think I don't like them. He's a great guy, and I really want to be friends with him and want to continue to work with him. I wish this wasn't so hard.