Hey there, as I have once mentioned, my parents do not agree with gay people, hence why I am still closeted. I have never heard a direct opinion from my mother, but I think she has mixed feelings about this topic - she is kind of a liberal person, but I think that she doesn't agree with it though. As for my father, he is very conservative and he preserves all those old values from when he was raised back in the 60s/70s, here in Portugal. He even opines that women shouldn't be the ones with a job and that they should stay home and do everything their husband wants them to do. So, kind of obviously, he doesn't agree with being gay. Just so you have a little background info on this: I have heard my parents talk about 3 cases of homosexual people they knew. The first one was a guy who betrayed his wife with the daughter's boyfriend (omg ) and then started stalking my uncle, which led to my parents forming a wrong opinion about gay people. The second case is of a couple that is married and happy, but my parents insist on making fun of them, making really stupid jokes about lgbt couples. The third case is the one that really annoyed me, because it is the only case of a person that I actually knew and is close to me in age. It was a friend of my brother, who came out in the last year of college. They decided to discuss it at lunch with everyone on the table! And what did they do when they heard about it? They all started laughing...I just had to stand there trying to fake laughter. Anyway, I heard my dad say things such as: "going to another city made him gay", "gay people should never come out, they should live with it, and if they don't like the opposite sex, then they should just abstain and stay closeted" and a bunch of other blasphemies. As for my mom, she actually said: "Ohh, I didn't want to believe it... he used to be such a nice and gentle boy". And finally, I actually heard my dad talking to my mom on their room saying: "I would kill myself if one of my sons ever turned out to be gay". I also started noticing that, on the following days, my dad was like testing me. He would sometimes point to a girl on some movie and ask me my opinion on her (he had never done anything even close to that before). This wasn't the only thing he did at that time, but at least he has stopped doing it for now. So, the question is: How can I start changing their wrongly formulated opinions on this matter without them suspecting I am gay? Any ideas? (I apologize for the wall of text) TL;DR - My parents have shown the be against gay people and have wrongly formulated opinions on the matter. What can I do to change their opinion without them suspecting me?
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think once they find out that you're gay, their opinion will change. Initially, they will be shocked, but because you are their son, they will love you no matter what. I'll have to admit that it is difficult to change one's opinion, but I continue to try and to no prevail. If you feel like they will react badly then perhaps you should wait. My kids father, someone close to me doesn't agree with homosexuality; he thinks it's a choice. He doesn't seem to realize how prejudice he's being, but I refuse to debate because that's what it turns into. Don't allow their opinion to get under your skin, I know how that feels.
Honestly, there's no easy way of going about it. If you do try to defend homosexuality, they will have their suspicions. I'm in this situation myself. When I was younger, I used to tell my parents to stop talking about them like they aren't human. Then came the questions... If you did let them know you're gay, I think their POV would be changed. I sound a bit hypocritical because I still haven't told my parents yet.. but I know I will have to eventually. It really sucks to be in this type of situation. Best of luck..
If your parents are ever going to become accepting of LGBT people, it will likely only be after they find out that the son they love is gay. It sounds like your father may already suspect that you're gay, and if so, bringing the topic up and trying to change their minds will increase his suspicion. That doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't do so - it's up to you. If you feel like you'd like to come out to them in the near future, this could be a good way to start dropping hints so it's not such a shock. But if you wish to remain closeted for whatever reason, it might not be the best approach. If you do want to start dropping hints, be prepared for pushback. It may not have been an accident that you overheard your mother say what she said. Parents wanting to remain in denial can use all kinds of tactics when they suspect their child might be gay - shame, guilt, threats, ridicule, etc. Try to remember that these are their defense tactics against something that they see as a threat to their happy, "normal" family unit. You are who you are, and hopefully they will one day accept that.
Thanks for all your answers. I think i'll wait some more years and do it when I move out. I am really scared of what their reactions would be, especially because when I heard my dad say that he "would kill himself if one if his sons were gay" he was alone with just my mom in their bedroom and I wasn't supposed to hear it, so that wasn't some kind of message directed to me.
I think they already know. It seems to be a topic your parents discuss a lot, relatively speaking, and I don't think it would be a topic unless they thought it was something they "needed" to discuss. You need not take your father's threat of suicide seriously - i't's just something he said to emphasize the feeling of disappointment he'd feel. A lot of parents feel disappointed, not because of the child, but because they have ideas in their minds about how life will develop for their child - career, marriage, grandchildren - and it hits them that their ideas might not come to reality. Try not to feel unconfortable with them - they will do their best for you, I'm sure. :smilewave
Yeah, I may actually start hinting, because that way I could preview their reaction without fully outing myself. But, how do I do it? Which kind of hints could I drop to get them wondering if I am gay without exposing myself too much? I might want to do this with my friends as well... I'm sick of pretending :/
