Alright. I've done the thing where I try to just not think about it at all and hope it'll just solve itself. Obviously that doesn't work. Ever. So...I'm coming to you guys to see what you think. While it's not a huge secret that I came out as trans, even though I more closely indentify as genderqueer, I have yet to tell everyone in my family. That's because a large portion of my family is extremely deep-rooted in the belief that LGBT and all its branches are wrong. :\ My dad has probably guessed at it as I'm not quite about what advocacy toward lgbt issues. My mom and brother are aware. And now...my sister knows, too. She is only 14 and while I don't want her kept in the dark about lgbt issues and the way it affects me personally, I wanted to the chance to tell her in person of my own accord. Last week was the first chance I had to do that since I've moved 6 hours away from the majority of my family. Last week, my brother, sister, and an ex came to visit. This ex, we'll call them Jay, and I were together for four years. He's always been very close to my family and we basically belong to one another's family despite some very rough roads after our break up. I have had so many good reasons to end even our friendship, but we remain good friends. That's not to say I fully trust him anymore though. So now we get to the real issue... On the trip up here he took it upon himself to tell my little sister that I was trans. She recieved it just fine apparently, because I was not met any differently when she arrived at my house. Like always she was estatic to see me. We had a wonderful time. And when the four of us went out to play mini golf and ride go carts we came across an individual who very well could have been trans or just a female that enjoyed presenting as a male. My sister asked what you would call someone like that, if they're trans and such. So I went on to explain everything as best as I could. I tried to be very helpful and I was so proud of her for the way she took it all in and understood. That interaction led to a late night discussion as we were cuddled up in bed. She asked me, "Are you transgender?" Of course at first I was a little shocked. It wasn't exactly the way I thought it would go. But I told her I was and explained my personal situation and how every trans person is different. Again, she was completely fine with it. I'm her sibling and she loves me. In the end, that's all there is to it. It wasn't until after they all left that my aunt [whom I reside with] told me that Jay had spilled the beans on the way up. He mentioned it to her while they were out running errands one day. She thought I should know, not having heard that I informed my sister myself. When she told me what he had done, I was beyond furious. It didn't matter that my sister had taken it well. What matered was that he had stolen from me something that he had no right to steal. Here I was thinking that my sister just really understood me that much on her own, and the whole time it was him who had planted it in her head. I'm still furious over it every time I think about it. He had absolutely no right to tell her my personal business. Absolutely no damn right. And what really gets me is that...he just came out to his mother a few weeks back about being bisexual. I supported him, stood by him, helped him through the whole process. He had even mentioned that it might be easier if I told her. I was very against it, because it's not my place. THat is his mother and as hard as it can be, he needs to be the one she hears it from. No one else. I explained why it was so important for the person confessing to bethe one actually doing the confessing. And he understood and agreed! And then he turns around and tells MY sister MY business. I've been thinking about talking to him about the entire situation. The only thing holding me back is that I don't want to create any potential harsh feelings toward my aunt from him. I don't think it would happen, but I would hate to be the cause of a rift between any two people. Still...he didn't even have the balls to tell me he told my sister. I just... I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. Any ideas?
I think it's very understandable that you're furious. It should be up to you and only you to decide when and how you come out to people. And yes, I think you need to express your feelings to him. You likely won't be able to maintain the same kind of friendship with him while you're this angry anyway - unless you're an excellent actor - so it's best to get it out in the open. I would recommend that you wait until you've calmed down a bit and can express yourself firmly and clearly to him. Tell him how you feel about the situation. Tell him why it's important to you that you have autonomy over this issue. And (if you do want to preserve the friendship, which you may not) tell him that you won't be able to trust him as a friend again unless he makes it clear that he understands where you're coming from, and that he won't do something like this again. You don't even need to mention your aunt at all. For all he knows, maybe it was your sister herself who told you.
I would be very upset as well so it's totally understandable how upset you are. He shouldnt of told your sister that was your place to tell her. I agree that you should calm down before you talk to him because sometimes we can say things we don't mean but I do think you should talk to him and explain to him how it hurt you that he told her.
^This. I do have a question, though. Did your ex know that your sister didn't know or was it something done by mistake?
He knew that my sister was unaware. We had even talked about the week prior when I was helping him through telling his own mother about himself. So no, it was no mistake. And according to the way he told my aunt about it, his very words to start the conversation with my sister were something along the lines of "There's something you need to know about --" So it was very much an intentional thing. What I'm wondering, however, is why on earth my brother didn't step in and say something? He didn't bother to tell me ex that it wasn't his place, he didn't bother to ask him to nicely not talk about it until I was there. None of that. I think I'll ask him about that later. Though it could very well be because he really hates conflict. With such a tender heart he absolutely hates stepping in the middle of things and holds his tongue. Still... I would have stepped in had it been the reverse. As for calming down...it's been a little over a week since they've been gone. The first two days were hard. Now I feel much more calm about it. I knew I had to cool off before I talked to him, because I know how bad my temper can be. Whooo Aries Dragon. But yeah...I'm tired of holding it off. And as far as trusting him? I didn't trust him much to begin with after all the other crap he's done over the years. Now? I just find it hard to think that I can. Another thing. Semi-related. It hurt so bad to hear my little sister say that he's the person she trusts more than anyone. Him... If she only knew... I mean... I'm the second most trusted. But why am I not more trusted than that guy? :icon_sad:
I understand you are angry, but it might help a little (hope) if I play Devil's Advocate: 1. He didn't tell a lie. He told your sister something about you in a way which you sister was able to relate to, which made her aware and sensitive to your situation. 2. He didn't tell her to score points against you. 3. The fact that you have spent so much time with each other's family means your sister has grown to love and trust this guy, even if you feel he has betrayed YOUR trust. 4. What did it "cost" you? You haven't lost your sister's love and understanding. He only cost you the opportunity to tell her on your own terms. 5. In a funny way, he is almost like a sibling in your family now, especially if he still spends time with your brother and sister. All of us with siblings know that they can do or say things we find intensely annoying and embarrassing. You're totaly pissed off at the time, but your love for them eases the anger and you forgive them. Please don't musunderstand - I'm not trying to justify his telling your sister BUT to give is some proportion. I think this guy is still emotionally important to you - even if that is as another "sibling". He clearly matters to you sister and not as a rival but as someone she's grown up with. Tell him you're angry and disappointed, tell him he had no right to do it and he let you down, but be prepared to forgive him as you would forgive your sibling and be prepared to let the dust settle. Unless you're looking to exclude him from your life, of course, but that might not work for your sister. I wish you strength and reconciliation :smilewave
^I just read over your post and I have to admit that I've thought about all of things. It's why I've been going back and forth on the whole matter of telling him how angry it made me. I've realized by now that he does need to know that I was not at all happy with what he did. I intend to fully explain why. But at the same time, as much trust as he's lost from me over the years, he is still very much a part of the family, a part of my life, and we've been too integrated for too long for me to just shove him aside. It's as simple as that. I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. And for wishing me the best, and for strength. It really means a lot.
