So I just had a bit of a nervous breakdown and ended up telling my mom about some of my self-esteem issues and the fact that I contemplated suicide for a long time and still do from time to time. She got pretty upset with me and told me I was stupid for thinking like and that I should just stop being so stupid. Believe me I don't like feeling like this and if I could snap my fingers and stop thinking and feeling like this I would. She then started telling me, "I always told you not to listen to your dad's crap, but it seems like I failed and you just want to believe it and be miserable." She then said that she should just leave since I'm being unreasonable(i.e. not saying that "just kidding I really love myself and I don't thinking about killing myself.") and stay gone and my dad and I can have a nice life. The part that really kills me is when she basically tried bribing me to be happy. It hurts that she thinks I'm so materialistic and self-absorbed that a trip or new car will make me happy and get rid of myself esteem issues and suicidal thoughts. I feel kinda hypocritical about admitting I'm a bit suicidal, since I've told others on here that's not a good idea and that when I've felt that way the desire to die always pass, but now I'm beginning to think that I was really just trying to convince myself that I was over feeling suicidal when I'm really not. I might be overreacting, but I'm pretty hurt that that she thinks my problems are stupid and that money can fix them and if I don't get over them she'll leave. Sorry if I rambled a bit, I'm still kind of shaken up.
Unfortunately I am not very good with advice (I'm sure alot of other people will help you there) but at least you have been able to get it out rather than bottle it up
I don't really know how to answer this, except to tell you that you're awesome and cute (I checked) and really brave for volunteering that kind of information. You already know that your mother's response was ridiculously inappropriate, and I'm sorry that the person you opened up to responded that way. Best of luck, and lots of fluffy kittens. If you're not a cat person, think of something else cute and fluffy. Or maybe lots of hot guys would be a better happy thought.
Can I just say, she doesn't think you're so materialistic that money would solve your problems, she's clearly unable to deal with the situation herself. Don't blame her, not least of all because you'll have the guilt of that too. Anyway, I have been suicidal in the past, in fact, it's only due to sheer luck, or poor planning, that I am alive right now because of that. I won't bore you with the details of how or when, but the why was a mixture of low self esteem, issues dating back to my child hood, weight problems and absolute loneliness. Now, since that time, I joined a gym which helped me lose weight(not much yet, but the road to a nice pair of well fitting pants is a long one...one that I have to jog down!). At the gym, I swim daily, which meant I had to be pretty much undressed (save the sexy speedo - I don't wear a speedo, this is just humour, I wouldn't wish me in a speedo on anyone), so I got used to the fact people would see me when I was at my most vulnerable. I began to notice that no one was actually looking at me, which gave me some of my confidence and self esteem back. The confidence allowed me to make new friends but, most importantly, it also gave me the ability to find my boyfriend who I love dearly and who loves me. I am still dealing with the child hood stuff, but through therapy and all this is because when I was at my lowest, I had a choice of ending it all or finding a way back. It's not easy, and quite frankly it shouldn't be, but what you need to do is find your catalyst, your one thing that is you start to do/enjoy, will help you. Mine was the gym, and lord knows I'm as shocked as anyone at that!
I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. It must have been difficult to discuss this with her, but it must have been difficult for her to hear too. As a parent, I can tell you that no parent wants to see their child hurting. Her solution - throw money at the problem - is obviously not the solution, but perhaps she was desperate and panicked, especially as you were telling her you felt suicidal. I'm sure she has taken your issues seriously, but her reaction sounds desperate. Saying your feelings are "silly" or "stupid" is not what she really thinks - it's a knee-jerk reaction, probably her solution when you were a child when you came up with something she, as and adult, couldn't really get her head around - like being afraid of the dark for instance. My suggestion would be to let her have a day to think about it all and then for YOU to raise the issues again. I'm certain that she'll be thinking in hyperdrive at the moment. Your mum seems to want to help you - you just need to point her in the right direction. And I've seen from your posts that a lot of this is new to you also. Perhaps it's a new process you BOTH have to go through. Might it be something to consider for your mum to meet a therapist? I don't mean to discuss you nor YOUR therapist but to give her a heads-up of what to expect and strategies to help her deal with it. It will hit her hard to hear you talking about yourself in such terms - show her how to help you - don't shut her out. (*hug*)
First, (*hug*) She doesn't really think your problems are stupid. The problem is not that she doesn't care, or doesn't want you to be happy. The problem is that she has no idea what to do to solve the problem, and probably feels powerless. If she did, she would likely have kicked your abusive dad to the curb years ago. So likely she, too, has severe self-esteem issues. Nobody who understands would simply tell you to "stop believing that nonsense" or "go on a trip, that will make you feel better." She, herself, clearly doesn't understand that happiness has to come from within, and that we have to love ourselves before we can feel happiness that lasts for any time. You have every right to be upset and hurt and disappointed that she wasn't able to be there for you in the way you need and deserve, but unfortunately, my guess is that she's devastated about how you feel, but even more upset because she blames herself (even if she won't admit it) and feels powerless, and like a failure. The very fact that she somehow believes that she can just tell you not to believe what your dad says, and have that work, indicates that she really has no understanding of how the human psyche works. The good thing for you is, you at least understand that what happened wasn't right, and you're able to articulate it and get it out there. And that goes a long way toward helping you break the cycle of shame that your dad and mom are stuck in. I encourage you to continue talking about how you feel, at least here on EC. It may or may not be productive to talk to your mom, because she's been stuck in what sounds like an abusive relationship with your dad, and that's created a mountain of self-esteem issues for her, which won't be overcome instantly, and she's likely going to see everything through those filters. But keep thinking, contemplating, talking. REach out and talk to me or another staff member if that's helpful. We're here to help.
Thanks guys I'm not sure if bringing the issue up with her again is a good idea, she's now getting upset at anything I say, and I don't think she'll be anymore supportive or understanding. I tried to talk her about this last winter when I tried coming out to her, and it didn't go much better, she was a little less heavy on the "You're being stupid", but it was the same general reaction. I'm not sure what made me think trying to talk to her would be a good idea or what would make it any different than any other time I've tried to tell her about my problems and how I feel, probably the nervous breakdown and I couldn't hold it in any more. I think that seeing therapist would be good for her, but I have no idea how to get her to even consider it. She doesn't have a high opinion of them and thinks they're all full of BS. She was not exactly happy when she found out I started seeing one, so getting her to go would be a challenge and would probably just piss her off if I suggested it. I'm not really sure what to do, since I feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my house and I'm not sure how long I can stand living like this.
I go back to college on September 23, so another month and a half until I get out of the house. If I could support myself financially I probably wouldn't have come home at all this summer, hopefully that'll change by next summer, curse expensive tuition.
A lot of people who are really deep in shame and low self esteem can't bear the thought of seeing a therapist because, essentially, that's admitting they are, in their eyes, REALLY broken. So it may be best to just try and get by communicating as little as possible. That really sucks to have to do for a month and a half, but maybe you can focus your time on doing some self-improvement reading, exercise, meditation, or whatever you can come up with to keep yourself occupied and out of situations with your mom. She may eventually come around and realize she needs help, but my guess is it isn't going to happen any time soon.
I think this is something for YOU to discuss with your therapist. You need some support because of her reaction. As you've tried to discuss it with her before and the reaction was the same, I don't think she's in a hurry to accept that things aren't perfect. Eventually, though, she will HAVE TO accept it. You need to concentrate on YOU now - keep seeing your therapist until you go back to college, just work on getting your head straight. I'd like to suggest you write your feelings down. When I was in therapy, I found it SOO helpful to keep a journal which I completed several times a day with my mood, what I was doing, how it meade me feel, reflections. I think you'll find it good to get your anger and disappointment in your mum's reaction out of your head and down on to paper. I wish I could send you and example of what I did, but I did my therapy in Dutch and so all my "junk" is in Dutch. I'll send it here as an attachment if you'd find an example of the lay-out useful Keep talking (&&&)
You know what? This is not your fault. Just remember that. I think Chip is right. The basic problem is that your Mum doesn't know how to deal with this and is reacting in a defensive way. Which of course is not what you need. Do you have any other family members who could support you with this? If not, then lean on us. You need a good hug, to know that you're ok and for someone to listen, not judge. So a hug from me at least. And as Bob says, keep talking.
I don't really have any other family members to lean on, I'm an only child and I'm not really close to the rest of my family. Besides they're not a really loving and caring family so the extent of a discussion with them about my problems would, "Oh, toughen up you have it pretty damn good". I just got a lecture like that from my mom this morning, so I'm not particularly in the mood to try to tell some other family member who will probably just say the same thing again.
(*hug*) Stick with your therapist and leave your mother to sort herself out. Can you schedule more meetings with your therapist if you need extra support? You've just begun a difficult journey, one a lot of us recognize, and I think you've only had one therapy session so far, right? If you feel you can't wait until your next scheduled appointment, I'd be tempted to call and move it closer if possible. You won't be the only person who's suddenly needed to talk something through because of an unexpected reaction or surprise. What did you think of my suggestion of a journal - could it work for you?
Yeah I've only been once, I might try to get in sooner, but it'll be next week at the soonest since she is out of town this week. I think a journal might be good for me, I tend to be able to express my thoughts and feelings best in writing and it'll probably help understand them a bit better.
A journal certainly helped me. I was able to write down all of the stuff flying around my head, and somehow make sense of it. Between that,this forum, and having a couple of good friends to lean on (both before and after figuring myself out and coming out to them), it probably saved my life. Less than a couple of months ago I was looking for a way to end it all. I'm not trying to say that writing a journal is a magic solution, but it certainly helped me to figure myself out. Good luck. (*hug*)
