Cannot Accept Being Gay; It's not

Firstly, welcome to EC :smilewave

I'm sure others will tell you that your feelings of awkwardness are not unusual. We're not all skilled socially and I can remember those awful sick feelings when forced to parties with people I didn't know.

I still much prefer socializing in small groups - say 6 or 8 - rather than big groups of people where I hardly know anyone. It did get easier, but I still know what I prefer.

It was harsh of your bf to insist you went to the party and I don't suppose he did it to make you feel unconfortable. Some people believe the best way to learn to swim is for someone to throw you in the deep-end of the pool. Not my theory at all, but he might have felt he needed to force you out of the corner.

I get the impression that you care for each other and it's natural for you to feel that your "issues" might drive a wedge between you. He obviously seems something in you - you're his longest relationship (YAY) so don;t be too harsh on yourself.

Learning to deal with things takes time and there are no instant solutions. Good luck and thank you for sharing. (*hug*)

 

Damn, dude. I'm really sorry that you have had to go through all of this. It really isn't fair (*hug*)

I don't think you are greedy or anything like that. Just because you have a boyfriend doesn't mean you must be super happy about your life. Things are much more complicated than that.

I do think that you skipped a couple of "stages" of coming out and that's probably why everything is seeming so incredibly overwhelming. You went from trying to understand it to being out to strangers in an atmosphere you weren't comfortable. No wonder you feel like that.

What might be helpful is to take a step back and try to start from the begging. From getting yourself to be okay with the fact that you are gay before worrying about anything else. It doesn't mean that you have to isolate yourself from everyone or even break up with your boyfriend, but you should probably talk to him and let him know how everything is going too fast for you to process. Let him know you aren't ready to move forward and that you need him to stop pressuring you right now.

Have you thought about talking to a therapists about everything that is going on? That might be something that you can look into.

Hang around here, meet some other people and ask as many questions as you have. We will try to help you out as much as we can.

I hope you feel better (*hug*)

 

*Patts on back*
I know the feel bro
*offers cigaret*

 

Welcome to EC, Empty Mirror. You have come to just the right place. It sounds like you are having some extraordinary difficulties, and we are here to offer help for as long as you need it.

That being said, I have been struggling to figure out exactly how I might be able to help you. I'm not sure I came up with anything you will find useful, but I will try just the same. After all, it is impossible to meet your goals if you never strive to achieve them.

Lets start with this. You are not a gay man. You are a man who happens to be gay. Just like you are not a two-armed man, but rather a man with two arms (I assume). Your orientation is merely a piece of the picture that is you. The number of arms you have has no bearing on the person you are, so why should your orientation? There is nobody else like you in all of existence, so you should not feel obligated to try and be like anybody else. I bring this up because you said, "Is this really how my life will be in the future? With these kinds of people? Am I suppose to learn to act like them too?" You don't have to worry about fitting in with the group because even the people within the group don't fit in with the group. Your future is yours alone, and nobody can make you be anyone you don't want to be.

Next section. I noticed you seem to be really worried about people finding out you are gay. That is normal and completely understandable. Practically every gay guy could relate to that to some degree. However, I challenge you to pinpoint exactly what it is about other people knowing that has you afraid. Be as specific as possible (even if you decide not to post the results here). What is the worst possible outcome that could happen from people discovering you are gay? I think it can be important to figure that out, because if you can figure out a way to cope with the worst, then... well, then you win. And if you can't figure out a way, then you can at least work on figuring out a way to make sure the worst never happens.

It may be difficult, but the best things in life always are. Who knows, in a week, a year, or a decade or two, when you finally get through everything, you may even end up being grateful for everything you are going through right now. But only time will tell. I wish you luck!

 

First of all you have to stop thinking that you are not normal. Even if you feel strange, that doesn't mean you're not normal. I know that you feel that everything is wrong, that being gay is wrong, but it is not. The first thing you have to do in order to accept yourself is changing the words you use; don't call straight guys "normal guys" 'cause you are as normal as they are.

Now, if you meet gay people who behave in a certain way that doesn't mean that you have to be like them. Just be yourself, be who you are. At clubs or events you will find all kinds of people because the lgbt comunity is very diverse and it's very possible that you will find people with whom you have many things in common, and when you do (and I'm sure you will), you will feel very accepted.

However, don't rush, try to take all the time you need. As someone above me said, things have been going too fast for you and maybe that's the reason why it's so difficult for you to accept yourself. I think that one of the "stages" that you skipped is that you were never able to come out to someone close to you and thus you haven't been able to talk to someone who you trust (besides your boyfriend, off course). I know that I'm younger than you, but coming to terms with my sexual orientation was a very confusing process for me, it's something that takes time and if you have someone to talk to, that make things better. Maybe what someone already said might work; talking to a therapist.

I know how you feel about life, I also asked myself many times if death was the answer. And I know it is not. There are many things worth living for. I know it sounds cliché but it's true. I'm not going to tell you that tomorrow when you wake up everything's gonna be better, as I said before this is something that takes time, but I can assure you that if you work little by little into accepting yourself, things will eventually get better. And you've already started! Asking for advice here is a very good choice.

Remember that there's nothing wrong with you and even if you don't think so, there are many people who love you no matter what.

I hope my answer was helpful for you

 

People already said it, but yes. The "stage" that you sort of skipped was for you to accept yourself entirely. Knowing you are gay is one thing, but being okay with that information is a whole different animal. Some peopel take weeks and others take years, but usually you will have to be okay with yourself before you can do anything else without feeling completely overwhelmed.

I know it might seem impossible to be able to accept it, but that is where EC comes in. I think the majority of us came here hating the fact that we were gay. We don't want it, we don't get it and we certainly want to get rid of it. But with time, help and meeting people you slowly get to that point. Step by step.

The one thing that I will tell you is that the "gay thing" is much more than going to clubs and hooking up. There is a whole community out there composed of nerds, artists, cops, doctors, jocks and every single thing you can think of. We are all as diverse as the rest of the world. Some of us like clubs and some of us don't. Its up to us to figure out what works for us and then to find people who enjoy the same thing. From your post, it sounds like the club scene just isn't for you right now. And that's fine, you don't need to like it in order to be accepted

So, what are you interested in? What are your hobbies?

 

I agree totally with ED ^^.

Part of the feeling of emptiness you feel is that you are "missing" yourself. You have to learn to accept yourself before you can expect others to accept you. You loneliness is compounded by the fact that YOU are not on your side yet.

It takes some of us years to come to terms with who we are, others make the transition with an optimistic leap of faith.

You are in a caring relationship with a guy who has grown to love you after beginning as a friend.

You need to have the confidence to step back inside yourself and find the YOU that this man loves, and learn to love YOU too.

It might not be instant, but you have to trust that there is a kind, good and loveworthy person in there, even if you can't see it just yet yourself.

If you still find it a struggle, think about talking to someone outside your relationship -like a therapist. Sometimes it takes another set of eyes and ears to put things in perspective.

And remember us here - there's nothing you can think of that someone on here hasn't thought or felt before - you're not alone.(&&&)

 

Hi and welcome to EC

I also totaly agree with ED.

Just looking at this another way,you seem to be going through hell,living a life that gets so unbearable that you are thinking about taking your own life.I really feel for you at the moment,and hope things soon start picking up.Have you ever considered what would happen if you came out to your friends and family?How would they react?Do they have gay friends?etc,etc.To be honest it is time to consider whether there opinion really could make your life any worse,or if coming out for YOU and to help YOU accept yourself and gain some confidence is more important for your own mental health and wellbeing.

Have you ever given any thoughts about who may have suspicions about you?Your family must consider it strange that no girlfriends appear on the scene etc.It may just surprise you how many people already"know"but just need it confirming,the older you get,more and more will have there suspicians.These are the easy ones to come out to because they have already thought about it,processed it and hopefully accepted it.

EC helped me in so many ways,so i hope if you stick around here with us for a while that ec can also help in your struggle.

 

Hello Everyone.
Am new on the bit.
This week appears to be a great eye-opener for me, as I have been looking for a suitable chat site/blog as this.

Am extremely excited to have come across this site and topics .This is as a result of the fact that my current situation is almost putting me on a rough edge, that I honestly wonder why I had not discovered this site ever since.
I need some quick help and advice, and you guys may probably be in the best situation to guide me through.

Now I slightly sound like the guy on the other side of Empty Mirror's scenario; so give me tips

I came across a guy early this year, and since then, I have not given myself any form of rest over him. He looked like Magic to me.I did everything to make him become my friend.But I was earlier scared on how I will go about it.
so I just had to find a way out through a mutual male friend whom hes very close to.

He being an extremely polite and decent guy, was very pleased to meet me.
I have afterwards bothered him with texts, calls etc every single week and he responds very slowly.it had almost been eating me up for months,until I came across a story on radio on relationships, talking about observing the signs 'that yur partner's relationship with you is not goin to work...if you care more about yur partner than he does bout u...'

I recorded it and listened & listened & listened, then I confided in a female friend I trust so much, she is so Godly and cooperative.She advsed me to keep off for some time, that he will come back.
I decided to stop calls and texts, and cut off for about 2 weeks painfully anyway;after some time, this extremely dashing beautiful well-shaped guy with straight nose, called me shockingly to register his complaints why i have cut off from him,this was to my amazement.
I kept apologizing, that I was busy which was not the truth.. I almost cudnt sleep that night he called...my world looked new...


Previously I used to invite him to places and occassion,which He did not honour; he was always fond of giving one excuse or the other, My female friend said it could be coming from the house he stays which belongs to his ld classmate.That the classmate may be wondering who I was.
I therefore summoned up courage to visit him at home and get to meet his guardians.

Intrestingly, they are people I know very well as family frends,it was from there I was able to know this son of theirs who is the former classmate, and he turned out very amicable and friendly. but my intrest was this guy, eventually he started honouring my visits after that..
He is such an eloquent, intelligent, well -spoken, well-read and well brought-up person that right now, I dont now know what to do.
He tells me a lot about himself and his family that am sure he doesnt tell people becos he does not like many friends at all.hardly talks to anyone, and has no intrest in girls at all.Infact I feel he doesnt go out of his way to make friends, everything shows that people always want to know him.he has that charm I cannot explain.
From what I see, he is the kind of person whom girls run after; I thought I was the only one who felt so, until I was equally told.

he unfortunate thing is that he is very straight....from what I can see...........but I find it hard to accept it.

The sweet slender chap looks gay in appearance, loves putting on short amd slim fitted tops, always bringing out his cute shape.His sexy voice sends me virtulally melting.....honestly.

Now thi very Last Friday, he visited me in my work place, he has accompanied me home twice,but cant stay long cos my family members are there.

My problem now is that I dont know how to pick up from here.

My discovery recently is that when I tickle or play with his waist, he tries to move off politely......I dont know what to do.

He never forgets to give me a smile.

Infact when talking to me, he gives me a lot of smile,but he never shows that he wants me so desperately, like I do.

Now he does more calling than me.But he is always so calm and collected, while I always sound so full of excitement and enthusiasm.

But its like he takes me as a friend, which is not exactly what I only want.

And am so scared to tell him how I feel about him.

Guys, I am really really scared.....
I have never had anything with a man in my entire life, but I've always had the picture of it right from my university days.

If I go ahead to tell him,it will cause me a lot if he doesnt say he is also in love with me also.Honestly it will be hard to live with it.

Am not intrested in sex as it sounds.
I just want to romance this guy so beautifully,kiss the living daylight out of him.

But am really scared. He respects me so much....sounds kinda more religious in all he does. He was with me last friday till evening, I didnt just know what to say.I was so sad when we were driving round town, becos he looks strict somehow,
He tells me so many personal stories about life,family,business etc
But nothing on how we can be together or do things together.
Now my greatest problem is that I wake up thinking of this boy, I sleep, eat,drive thinking of him.
I just want to kiss & Kiss & kiss this guy, and touch his beautiful body so much.....no intercourse at all.
Pls I need advice on this matter

 

Hi Empty Mirror, welcome to EC!

I think the posts before mines have already pretty much summed up what i would like to say. Please don't be so hard for yourself, there is nothing wrong (nor anything important) being gay. It's just one of the many facets that together makes us an individual, and since it's a part of us, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

As for not fitting in, I can say that i totally relate to what you're feeling. Before joining EC, all i know about being gay are portrayals from the media and from my family/friends, these sources are apathetic/stereotypical at best, and at worse i can assure you they don't mince their words on what they thought about us. My (to date) only contact with the "gay scene" was at a bar two years ago. I remember asking myself "how could this be me?" as i sat at the corner of the room sulking. But after i joined EC and entered university, I came to realise there is so much more to being gay than simply partying and getting high on drugs. Gay men are everywhere, and they occupy every niche in society. Just because they are less visible doesn't mean they are not there.

On coming out to a friend, I understand coming to terms with the fact that people will know about your orientation, something (at least when i was closeted) more fiercely guarded than my LIFE is something unfathomable. But does it really seem as bad as you imagine it? This of course depends on where you live, with some places being more homophobic than others, but if not, then i can assure you that our fears are in the most parts rather exaggerated. I came out to a very close friend this May, and before i said the words "i'm in love with a boy" I had horrible fantasies of her breaking off our friendship, or even worse, outing me on facebook. But as it turns out, she is not only supportive but also promised to keep it absolutely zipped until i'm ready to others. Coming out (at least to one person) has healed some of the hurt and loneliness i've amassed over the years, and have made me a happier person in general. Furthermore, it's given me greater courage in accepting myself, and i'm now finally making plans to coming out to (a few) more people.

To be really blunt with you, your dreams of having a "perfect life" with a wife and kids are, as you've said, fantasies and aspirations. I understand that you'll be feeling the pain of loss and might even be thinking "why do i have to realise i'm gay? why can't i just live my life in blissful oblivion?" But dreams change as our character alters overtime, and who's to say you won't end up in the future with an amazing husband and a beautiful child lol? Give yourself more time and don't spend too much time dwelling on it. It's ultimately all hypothetical, after all, and none of us can predict the future.

Finally, please don't feel you're all alone in facing this. You've a boyfriend that could lend you a lot of emotional support (even though i DO question why he brought you to that party if he knows you're uncomfortable with it) and you have everyone on EC's full support. Feel free to post on my page if you want to talk about it more. (*hug*) ALL THE BEST! 加油！

 

Is death the answer? No. I was standing in your shoes from the time I was a teenager till my mid-twenties. I realized that I was different before I even knew what gay was, and when I finally had a word for my difference I was around twelve years old.

Generally, and this has been my personal experience as well, people seem to go through various stages till they reach acceptance.

The first stage always seems to be denial, a stage that you've already gone through. I went through this stage from twelve to fourteen years of age. I tried my hardest to become straight, obviously it didn't work.

The second stage, at least for me, was bargaining. After we leave denial behind we accept that we're almost certainly gay, but want to try to fix or downplay it somehow. At fourteen years old I tried my hardest to become bisexual so that I could at least pretend to be straight.

The third stage was depression. I hit this stage around the time I turned seventeen. I realized that I was gay and that there was nothing I could do to change it. I became suicidal. I wanted to die, I couldn't accept it. This seems to be the stage you're in right now.

The fourth stage was anger. I started to hit this stage around your age. For me, my way of trying to suppress things - due to my upbringing - was religion. I grew very angry at God for making me gay, and not changing me no matter how much I prayed. I also grew very angry at religious people, and blamed them for their bigotry and the suffering that I had to endure growing up - all the self-hatred that I carried on the inside.

The fifth stage was acceptance. I hit this in my mid-twenties around twenty-five. I eventually realized how much hatred and anger was consuming me, and I had to forgive people for what they'd done to me. Not for their sake, but for my own - so that I could move on with my life. After I did that, it was the beginning of my healing process and acceptance of being gay... and learning to be okay with the thought.

Not everyone experiences the stages in order, and some people might skip one or two of them. However, generally speaking most people bump into those stages. It's a process, it's natural, and everyone goes through it. Everyone's journey to self-acceptance is different, some make it there faster than others, some don't make it at all, and some go back and forth between the stages. However, most everyone goes through them.

Why do you have to go through this? Why do you feel the way that you do? It all comes down to shame. Shame has many faces and is difficult to define. For a lot of gay people, myself included, we work hard to show the world what it wants to see, to struggle to fit in, shame happens for us when the mask we've carefully constructed for ourselves is pulled off and the parts we've struggled to hide are revealed. It metastasizes in the feeling of being a mistake, of being wrong, of being sinful, and of being an outsider.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. I underlined painful feeling because it is an important point to understand. Shame is not the same as our self-esteem, which shame can impact greatly. Shame is an emotion, a feeling - a painful feeling, and everyone experiences it. The only people who don't are psychopaths, and they have no ability to form emotional connections with other people. That is why they do not feel shame.

We grow up believing and are told that being gay is wrong. We are told that we are an abomination, that we are sinful, wicked, perverted, gross, disgusting, a mistake, and things far worse. Many of us have heard these words uttered from the lips of our own family, but even if we don't we hear it out in the larger world. This creates an INTENSE feeling of shame.

It is easy, particularly because we are assaulted with this thinking as children, to come to believe that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. It is a false belief, of course, but it feels real and it doesn't hurt any less.

Because of this belief we struggle to find belonging. We spend so much of our energy and time worried about what others might think or feel about us. It can become crippling. We seek to belong by fitting in, but the truth of the matter is those two things are very different.

Fitting in is trying to be something you're not to avoid being rejected by other people. It's an attempt to seek acceptance from others. We struggle to fit in when we are ashamed of who we really are, and we work to suppress it and hide it.

Belonging is completely different - it is the exact opposite. Belonging only happens when we are being authentic to who we are with others. Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

So, if we want to achieve a feeling of belonging, we're going to have to accept ourselves for who we are so that we have the courage to be our authentic self. The greater our self-acceptance, the greater our sense of belonging.

We accomplish this through combating our shame. This is not an easy thing to do. It doesn't happen over night, but everyone can do it. It starts with understanding shame.

Shame is an emotion that can sometimes be difficult to define. It's a feeling, a familiar one, but many things can trigger it. Like I said, everyone feels shame, not just gay people. We need to understand those triggers and wrap words around them.

The best thing you can do is to define what shames you. Shame hates that more than anything else. The moment you wrap words around it, its like locking it in a trap. The moment you catch it in that trap, the next course of action you should take is to share it with someone who can empathize. When you encounter someone who can tell you, 'Oh wow. Me too. I feel the same way!' Shame dies. It cannot survive.

Empathy kills shame, and in its place you forge a connection with that individual or that group of individuals that you shared your shame with.

For example, at the party you went to where everyone was gay, did anyone try to speak to you? I know if I was there and someone had tried to make conversation with me while I was engaged in a shame-fest, I wouldn't have been able to say much or anything at all. I'd end up feeling like a stand-offish asshole. 'He tried to talk to me, but I completely blew him off! I barely said two words! Ugh. He probably hates me now, and thinks I am a huge jerk.'

The solution? Be honest. Tell someone who is trying to make conversation with you that it is your first time, or that you never feel comfortable at these types of gatherings. Wrap words around your shame - what you're feeling - and share it. More than likely the person can relate. 'Yeah, I know how you feel. I remember my first time at a gathering like this. I thought I'd die, too.'

My advice to you is the following -

1. Start a journal. Write in it every day, and take particular note to write down what you're feeling. Wrap words around your shame in your journal. Writing ALWAYS helps me.

2. Tell someone you can trust who might empathize with what you're feeling. Ideally, it'd be someone in your life such as your boyfriend, but EC is a second best choice. Despite what you might think, there is literally nothing you're going through that hasn't also been experienced by other people here. You are not alone, no matter what you might think or feel. At this very moment in time there are other members of this community going through the exact same thing you're going through, and others who have already been through it.

3. Read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It's a book about shame-resilience and learning to live authentically. I've read the book numerous times since coming to EC. It will be one of the best book purchases you've ever made, trust me. It's helped numerous people on this site, myself included.

No matter what you might think, you're not alone in going through this. So many of us have experienced and gone through exactly what you're going through right now. Keep coming back to EC and sharing your story. Not only will it help you, it'll help other people who are going through similar situations.

Welcome to EC. As hard as things might seem right now, they will get better. I promise. (*hug*)

 

Hmm...judging by what i'm reading here you might be in want of a homo-romantic relationship, which is doing all the lovey dovey stuff with a guy, but not really interested in anything more. I think i've read another post also by you where you've asked if you could kiss him and he has said no. In that case, i think it's best to drop pursuing this any further and just go back to being friends with him (if that is possible) some guys are more comfortable with experimenting, some not so much....As to your possible orientation, i think it might be beneficial if you could do some self exploration (mental, not physical lol) as to determining what exactly is your orientation. Do you feel excited when you watch gay porn? when two men are kissing? What gender does your partner take in your sexual fantasies and dreams? think back into your oldest memories, are there any other instances where you might be interested in a guy before? Even if there aren't or you're not sure, it's perfectly fine, some people take much longer to find out than others, and some people (they can also be found on EC) could spend their entire lives not being entirely sure

 

Our lack of self-acceptance creates anxiety, which are the result of cognitive distortions. That's what I'm working on in my therapy sessions - combating the cognitive distortions. The feeling of being powerless and defeated is likely a result of depression. You are neither powerless nor defeated - you have the capability of turning things around. The whole 'what if...' thing is an example of catastrophizing, one of the cognitive distortions, and it's something I do regularly as well. Here is a list of them -

How do you fight cognitive distortions? Similar to how you fight shame. You recognize what you're doing, you stop, and you combat the thought with a counter thought.

Let's use an example. You have decided to go to a party of all LGBT people, and you're thinking to yourself; 'What if someone I know is there? If they see me my secret is out and my life is over!' Okay, step back a moment and think about it. This is an example of catastrophizing. Great, you've recognized what you're doing. So what is the proper response? 'So what if someone is at a party of all LGBT people that I know? By virtue of them being there it likely means that they are also LGBT! The likelihood of them telling anyone is slim to none, and I am sure if I approached him and talked to him he'd understand if I didn't want so-and-so knowing I was here at the party. Hell, it might be his first time here, and he might be a bit freaked out - he might not know anyone else here.'

Keep your journal, catch yourself as often as you can, write down your thoughts and refute them. Seriously, it helps me to write things down. Often the moment they're written down it becomes easy for me to see how silly they actually are.

The problem is he can't help you go through it. No one can. You have to do this on your own. He can offer you emotional support; give you a shoulder to cry on and to discuss things with, but he can't take the journey for you.

I think you should seek therapy, both for yourself and couples therapy with your boyfriend. One of the best things you can do to combat your depression is to step up and take action. Getting into therapy is a step, and it will start to make you feel like things could get better because you're actively working toward TRYING to make them better.

 

You don't need to apologize for anything, because you haven't done anything wrong. I've gone through most of my life sucking it up, pushing it down, trying to put it out of my mind. Being ten years down the road you're currently on, I can tell you that sucking it up, pushing it down, and trying to forget about it doesn't work. I really don't know anyone who it has ever worked for...

It is why I recommended that you seek therapy.

I started doing therapy at the beginning of this year, and I can tell you from my personal experience that things for me are getting better. It is a slower process than I would like, but there is a noticeable difference in me and everyone around me sees it.

Trust me when I tell you, that if you want to get better - if you want to find some level of self-acceptance - you need some professional help. I wish I hadn't waited as long as I did to seek it out.