Hi, I know this isn't really to do with lgbtq issues but I really need advice. My friend is about 16 I'm 18, and he's an amazing guy, I do have tiny bit a crush on him but thats beside the point. Last year maybe around November December I noticed that he had some tiny hole shaped scabs on his knee, I asked him what happened and he told me he took a pen and stabbed himself with it, I asked him why and he said because of stress and issue and he didnt want to talk about it. Ok, I told him he could tell me anything and i wouldnt get upset (i mean I came out to the guy and he was fine with that so its not like I owe him but I'm really grateful and i like to help people so I figured why the hell not) he said maybe someday. Now he says December but we discussed this (we wrpte on sheets of paper and passed them back and forth) around march/april. I noticed this time he has scars on his ankles, I asked him what happened and he said he took the tip of a fork, lit it blazing hot, and repeatedly cut and burned his ankles. I told him if he wanted to talk about it and he said no, that he didnt like talking about it. I told him he needed to talk to someone at least, and he said maybe. At this point, he worries me, he's a smart, good looking, athletic guy and he has every right to be happy and be successful. He smokes weed and used to drink and though i dont mind the weed I think he also smokes because of his issues. Now recently, I asked him if it was ok if he showed me how to smoke weed, he said it wasnt a problem so he drove us to a empty cul de sac and we smoked, I was a little nervous because I didn't know if i was accidentally going to try and kiss him or anything, and when I went a little out of line I'd always say sorry and he kept asking why and it got a bit stressful. When he wasn't high anymore he started driving around, and whike i was coming off the high I asked him if everything was ok, and mentioned the ankle. (also I'd like you guys to keep in mind a mutual best friend of ours also noticed he cut a cross into his arm as well, I didnt see it but we are both concerned for him so I doubt she would lie) He said he didn't want to talk about it. That what happened was in december and didn't matter any more. He wasn't proud of it, and whatever happened involved his life, his swimming coach (or swimming in general but he specifically mentioned the coach) and school (he skipped a lot of the time) I told him he didnt need to be proud of it he just needed to be able to talk about it and it will hopefully get cleared up and then he can put it behind him, at this point he's upset but not like mad or screaming , more of a 'im on the verge of tears' kind of voice (im kicking myself because I probably only had to push alittle bit more and yeah he migt start crying but if he talked then so be it) So I told him sorry and that I just wanted to help. He needed to go home for a birthday party for his mom so he dropped me off at my house (i was essentially depressed because I got him upset, and something else happened which may or may not be relevent, depending how this discussion goes) I was feeling like shit and I knew he was never going to tell anyone so I had to keep.trying, I texted him telling him everything youre supposed to say when someone needs to open up, this happened on Friday and I have yet to get a response from him, I've given up for now but my plan is to hopefully be able to hang with him, get him high, take away the keys (ill be high too but ill ask if I can borrow the keys because they are shiny or something) and try and get him to talk about what happened. I know some people will tell me to drop it but I personally dont think he hasnt stopped with the self mutilation and my gut says that maybe he was abused (imo not sire if sexually but the way he emphasized certain things..and how he acts..) and I don't want to see this guy who has great potential to fall flat. So please someone help me, but if the majority of you guys say to stop, ill stop. Sorry for typos, I have to do this on my phone.
I don't think you should stop. If he is a friend and you are concerned, you should try to help him. When you talk about it, don't ask him a question that can be answerd with ayes or no answer. For example, don't ask "do you want to talk about it?" or "are you OK?" because the answer is too easy. Ask "I noticed dome new cuts (or I haven't noticed any new cuts). Why do you think you do this?" The goal is to gradually let him open up. It won't happen in one session, maybe it will never happen. But as a friend all you can do is try and be there for him.
You're not going to let it rest anyway - he's your friend, not just a casula friend, but someone you care about. I wouldn't assume or suggest anything to do with abuse just yet. Maybe his coach is quick with the sarcasm if he misses practice on the days he's off school. Maybe he feels like shit because he knows he's sort of lost and can't get it together. You need to be his friend and let him realize he can trust you (no more moves on him until it's all sorted) and just give him the time and opportunity to open up - he was almost there once, and that suggests he could get there again. You need to be objective about what he tells you. If it's esteem issues, you need to encourage him to go to the counsellor - offer to go with him if he's nervous. If he reveals that abuse (physical or sexual) is at the root, then you need to encourage him to speak out. For the sake of argument, let's say the swimming coach has been abusing him. Not only does that need to stop for him, but you don't know how many other victims there are/have been. The case at Pennsylvania State illustrates how things can be allowed to go on for so long unless someone stands up and says NO. Whatever is the cause, your friend needs to know you have time for him, that you'll listen without judging and that you'll be honest with your opinions (sensitive, of course) Good luck - and well done for looking out for him. (*hug*)
You have the right idea there. It is somewhat bad and deceptive, but your friend doesn't want to talk about it. So you have to create the perfect circumstances to talk to him. When you 2 do get high, don't ask him anything, instead reveal something really private of you that he doesn't know about. That will gain some of his trust. But do not do this in your own neighbourhood, rather at some place further off, like a park or in the wild or some place far from anyone. That will also help him to open up. I know, I held something in me for a very long time and only started to speak about it about 3 years ago. I have been raped at a young age by 2 guys. Rape and abuse can eat you up inside, it can turn your life upside down without you letting it. So you need to gain his confidence so he can tell you. The only way to do this is share something very private. Being high can impair your judgement, doing it in the right circumstances can get you results, even though very little at a time. So look forward to at least a couple of sessions like this to get the full picture of what is wrong with your friend. My friends know, if I suspect something wrong with them, I don't stop pestering about it until they have told me. This resulted in having a few friends for life.
I dont really let anyone in, and ive only done that with a few people, him included, so yeah i share a lot of stuff with him, I haven't really talked about some things so maybe it will be a good way to let him know that everyone has something. Being high really didn't affect me all that much judgement wise, and where he smokes (where we smoked as well) its a cul de sac but by the looks of it its been long abandoned (there aren't any plot for sale signs, no houses, just trees) I thank you guys for re assuring me that what I'm doing, even if it gets him upset, is more or less the right thing to do for his sake. It tears me up and makes me very sad that he has this hanging over him and that he is mad at me. I'm giving him a break from my nagging today and tomorrow, seeing as he won't pick up his phone (he ignores me actually it rings twice and goes straight to voice mail) and hasn't texted back. Our mutual friend is alsi very concerned and told me the same things you've told me, I gave her his number so at least she can text him and make sure he's ok i told her not to directly mentioned what happened, seeing as i need his trust and if he finds out I told her then that trust is gone, ill tell him eventually after this is over. But I told her to ask him how he's been and basic stuff, and ask if he has hanged out with me, and let things go from there. If he opens up to her thats great, he trusts both of us so I know that if he's going to tell anyone its going to be one of us. And thy I'm really sorry that happened to you, its good your able to talk about it now
He still hasn't responded, to either me or our friend. I don't know where he lives and the only way I can talk to him is through text, so essentially anything could have happened, like he dropped off the face of the earth. Should I say something tomorrow? Do I keep.giving him space? Do I tell him (for like the fifth time now) how sorry I am? Him and our friend are the closest thing i have to what anyone could say is a friend/best friend and I'm really hating the fact that im going to lose them like I do with anyone else I come in contact with. I'm leaving for college next week Friday, my birthday is that Saturday, I figured us two could have dinner at our friends restaurant (which is why she cant come shes so busy there) so us three can kind of be together.
Sorry that was me, that's going to be annoying why the hell did i post this here anyway. Could someone maybe move it to support/advice?
I haven't really said anything to him yet today, however prompted I was to send anything, I'm so lost as to what to do. People tell me I'm doing the right thing even though I feel like crap, and he wont even talk to me, about anything. I just want my friend back
Can you go and see him in person - a person on your door is a bit more difficult to ignore. He might need someone to make the effort - it's the only thing I can think of if he's not picking up your messages or answering.(*hug*)
I know it's hard, but keep at it. Maybe just let the whole thing go, just for now. Don't contact him, until he contacts you. He will soon need you. He might be completing in telling you, but it could be that he doesn't know how. It can be equally frustrating. Give him some space until he contacts you. But at first don't ask him yet, you might drive him away again. just pretend to drop the matter for now. in a week or so after he contacted you and you guys speak again, then you can try. He will see that your persistent and might just give in.
I can't go visit him because I can't drive yet and no one knows where he lives :/ he starts school on the thirteenth though, but I can't drive... I guess I should just give him more time, but people don't really go out of their way to talk to me so I'm usually the one that starts everything...
Wish he could just tell me he hates me and that its over so I can move on Another one gone :icon_sad:
Hey guys, i still haven't heard from him, I sent him one last message. I'll post it below since I can't really describe what I said, I wanted to add some more stuff but I didn't have room and I sent it before I had the chance to delete the "this is the last text I'm sending" Look, you and ______ are the closest people I've ever had to a friend for a real fucking long time, some of the shit I tell you guys no one else knows, I trust you two completely. If you don't want to tell me or anyone else anything, so be it. Just please know that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you and I'm here if you need anything, anything at all ok? And please, never hurt yourself again, and if you want to talk about any problems but don't want people to know then get help, please. And yeah, I'm concerned about you, but if you don't want to talk, there's nothing I can do, but I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened. So with that, I'm done, I've felt like shit for the past few days because I'm almost entirely convinced I pushed you away for good, and as much as I'm upset about it there's nothing I can do other than keep sending messages. This is the last one you'll get from me, all up to you now if you want to keep in touch. Goodbye and have a nice life. Sucks that we never finished portal 2, Orange. - Blue
What is even more disturbing is that no one has seen or talked to him since that day. I'm really worried about him. I really hope he just doesn't want to be talked to right now and hopefully is figuring stuff out
Neither me or my friend have heard anything about him, I told my friend to tell a friend of hers (who knows him) to just even make sure he is at school and he is. Now I'm just both mad, upset , and just a mess because I thought he was just upset, but apparently I'm a shit person for what I did and I'm not going to lie it makes me want to cry because he won't talk to me, the second person I ever told I was pan, who I fucking trusted and loved like a brother I never jade Just fucking left me for shit. He also wont talk to our mutual friend either and that pisses me off too because she didnt even do anything. All i want is my friend back so I can hug him and then give him a dead arm for what je did
i mean, i know what you guys are going to say, that i have to let it go i really, really dont want to, and its not because i like him in a crush way, i dont like him like that at all/ really minimal if anything. and its messed me up so much and made me feel incapable of making friends because i dont even know what i did wrong and just i dont know what im asking for just please dont ignore and dismiss me like everyone else in my life, i just need to rant and bounce stuff off right now
