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Long distance relationship help?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ryukotsu, Aug 7, 2012.

  1. Ryukotsu

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    Hi, so...I've been seeing this really amazing guy for a while now, and it's a long distance thing but he does live within about a days drive(sort of) and honestly things started off kind of rocky but as it went on it's been amazing. I'm not going to go on about that because I'll be all day talking about him lol The thing is lately he's seemed sort of distant, I mean hes honestly been getting more romantic as we go on but lately he's just seemed so preoccupied with something and it's starting to worry me. I've tried talking to him about it and he just doesn't seem to understand what I'm thinking (which is honestly my fault for not knowing how to breach the subject with him) Uhm... A few things though that might be contributing to it though, since that's important if I want advice on what to do ^_^;;

    I sort of had something really...bad come up in my personal life and instead of telling him I ran and hid, and I know I hurt him but instead of hating me he actually was patient with me and waited. I finally explained to him what had happened and he forgave me and we made up, obviously it's going to be rocky and I know he must still be scared but he does trust me, honestly the thing I like most about our relationship is that we both genuinely trust each other and he's so understanding.

    It's also his first actual relationship and he's a bit (really)shy and not really used to the attention, like I said he's gotten more and more sweet and flirty as we've gone on but sometimes I'll embarrass him and ask if he wants me to stop and he sort of smiles and says he'll get used to it.

    He got a new job recently and I know that's been taking up a lot of his time and hes been tired.

    I guess I'm just unsure what to do, things are still going fine but he seems so busy anymore and with the thing I did I'm worried sick that there's something wrong he doesn't want to tell me. He and I have both agreed that we want it to work out and all except for one slip up by me we seem to be on the same page on where we want to go, it's just that at this point I feel like I kind of need some help so I don't aggravate the poor guy to death with my worrying, so any help would be appreciated
     
  2. Bobbgooduk

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    Not being mean, but I think you're over-reacting.

    The man adores you! And you sound totally into him, you old romantic! :thumbsup:

    You have too much time on your hands and therefore imagining he's hiding things etc.

    He's working and he probably wishes he could spend more time with you, but you both have things you need to do.

    When it comes down to it, do you want this relationship to survive? He's given you a second chance, he deserves at least the same.:smilewave
     
  3. BudderMC

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    Long distance relationships (LDRs) are really tricky things. Relationships grow with time, proximity, similarity, familiarity... some of which you can't get simply because you aren't there next to each other every day, like most other relationships. I don't know how long you guys have been together, or how often you visit/Skype each other, but it usually has to be pretty often for things to work out. You can't just "be in a LDR" and never talk with each other, you know?

    The thing is, I think you need to keep in mind that this is his first relationship, and being a LDR he's dealing with some things in a more difficult context than a regular relationship. So when you had stuff come up, while it's understandable on your end that you didn't want to share, all he sees is that you dropped off the face of the planet for a bit. And because you aren't there in person with him, he can't see or ask why if you choose not to respond.

    I think in a sense it also possibly set a precedent on how you guys are going to deal with your own problems in your relationship. Trust is a hard thing to develop in a relationship, and given that he doesn't know how "far" to go with it since it's his first relationship, he's probably looking to see what you're doing to decide for himself. Since you didn't feel the need to burden him, he might not feel the need to burden you. He might think that's what's "appropriate".

    I don't think there's a right answer in what to do here. If your actions are examples for what he should do, then it's a tough call. You could keep bugging him in an attempt to show him what you did before wasn't intended, but that could rub him the wrong way. You could leave him be (which, at some point, people do need space), but then you risk him having to deal with something on his own. I think I personally would rather have this blow up in my face by being overly concerned than under concerned, but that's just my opinion. You need to decide what's best for you.

    Of course, that's all assuming something actually is wrong. Maybe he's just busy. In which case, keep communicating with him, and maybe try suggesting alternate times to chat or something that might work better with his new schedule. By doing this, you keep open the gates of communication without pushing the idea that something's wrong with him. He can share with you if he wants, but it's clear that you're there if needed.
     
  4. Ryukotsu

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    Wow ^_^ wasn't expecting such well thought out responses so quickly. Uhm, we've Bern together for a couple months I guess and we knew each other for a good while before that. And it's not that I think he's hiding things from me, I just sort of feel like he doesn't want to talk about his problems maybe? We've got this mutual friend that we both sort of confide in about things we aren't ready to tell each other.

    We do talk on a daily basis, play ps3 alot together, cam when we can etc...I haven't visited him yet because of my work hours and because something personal for him I won't mention.

    We've talked about where we want this to go, and he was the first one to mention living together, and since then it's become a serious idea, ya know, working out a living situation, worrying about money, all that fun stuff that comes with a new place. And I sort of let slip something about how serious I was about him but we both agreed not to talk about that now lol so...I know we both mean this as a serious and lasting relationship
     
  5. Bobbgooduk

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    Well done, both of you :smilewave:thumbsup:

    Take your time - it's not worth rushing into things, but it helps to have a few things sorted.

    I think it's amazing that you can stay in touch so much - but it's soooooooooo obvious you're wild about each other (&&&)
     
  6. Delta

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    Your relationship sounds a little bit like mine. :slight_smile: My honey lives 500 miles from me, and we're both busy and broke, so we don't see each other often.

    I think the best thing you can do to bridge the emotional gap that's growing is to just not let it get any bigger. Ask emotional questions, talk about heartfelt things, show him that you really care, and he'll open up soon. :slight_smile:

    I'm sorry I couldn't say more here, I have to go to an appointment now. But if you have anything specific you want to ask me about, that is totally cool. I'll be back in a bit.
     
  7. Ryukotsu

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    Thanks :slight_smile: Id love some advice/a chance to talk to someone whose in a similar situation. I did actually talk to him about it last night and he was really sweet and reassuring and when I told him I was worried about messing "us" up he just smiled and told me that I couldn't mess it up anyway, so maybe I AM just overreacting?
     
  8. enenigmaffx

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    I'm right now in one with someone who lives about 2000 miles away from me. He's in his first relationship (real one), long distance as well. We talk on a nearly daily basis (although this fluxes depending on if he's at school or during the summer xD)

    I have a tendency to overanalyze and I tend to overreact (mostly to myself xD)
    I don't think you're really messin' anything up.

    When I talk with him, I feel sometimes I annoy him (Because I like to message him alot) but the more I talked to him about how I felt, the more I understood how he felt when I did that. Sometimes it makes me more insecure but I've learned that I have to trust him (like I love him).

    For example, I have a tendency to poke him and say hi but he doesn't like it when I do it repetitively. He acknowledges that I said hi, but can't/doesn't want to (at the moment) say hi back. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to me or loves me any less, it means h'es busy or has alot on his mind he needs to sort out.
    I'm starting to learn to respect that he needs his time to himself and that means if I need to learn and sit back and wait for him to say hi back xD

    He as well, doesn't like talking about what's going on inside and I respect that. I've had to learn that he wants to keep that part of his life to himself, I won't dig so far. I do bombard him with questions (emotionally) a lot especially if I feel insecure or weakened.

    All I can say for you overall is, don't overanalyse anything he says or does and you won't have to overreact. It hurts relationships in the long distance and long run in my opinion. I'd say if you feel comfortable opening up, do so. Take every day slowly with him. Budder is so right... needs time!

    I always fight with not wanting to tell him my insecurities and it has a way of blowing up for me sadly. In my opinion, it's not healthy to keep it locked up but it's not healthy either to lay it on him always (I don't think you're doing that... you seem very levelheaded about that part! xD)
     
  9. Ryukotsu

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    My bf lives about 1,300 miles away but our timezones line up so were only an hour difference so even though were both busy that helps us keep in touch easier. I know he isn't the type to want to openly talk about his problems, which is fine I understand we all deal with things differently, but I'm used to talking about my problems and I want to keep from pressuring him to tell me, but still let him know I'm here if he needs me, any advice?

    Another thing is that I won't be able to visit him for..probably a few months because of work schedules, person reasons etc...but obviously I'm commited to him and willing to wait, but in the meantime I kind of worry because of the distance, is there anything I can do to try and...idk I guess keep us close without becoming overbearing?
     
  10. Bobbgooduk

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    Send him flowers now and then, a letter he wasn't expecting, an I Love You card for absolutely no reason at all. (*hug*)
     
  11. enenigmaffx

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    My boyfriend is the opposite, he generally doesn't say he's okay with talking with me about things. However, he's always willing to talk to me when I ask him to talk to me.

    The way I've done it is, I've let him known passively that I'm all ears whenever he needs someone to talk to.

    For example, he had lost a family member and when I asked about it. He was quiet and dismissive about wanting help so all I did was spend time with him talking about other things. We played video games and such... further in the conversation
    He did mention it further so I saw it as a entry point to listen more and say, hey, I'm here if you need anything and continued the conversation to what we were saying before. Kept focused on though the fun times to let him know that he means a lot to me and that how he felt was important.

    Hate to say it, repetition isn't a very good thing xD unless your boyfriend likes it.

    I am as well very committed to my relationship with him but I realise that the distance isn't a bad thing in a sense. If you think about it, it only really opens chances for you two to talk about what you want to and when you want to. I guess the way I see it is, he might not be there physically with me but I know someone out there cares for me and is willing to take the time to spend time with me. I see it as an opportunity to really get to know someone before uniting with him. Once I do, we'll know our strengths and weaknesses and we'll be able to say to one another, we got through this so when we're together... we know it'll work out for the best.


    Moreover,I found a few things on reddit that helped me

    Gaming:

    League of Legends (it's hilarious when I get yelled at by him cuz he's like GET OVER HERE WTF are you doing, while I'm at spawn)

    Diablo 3. very fun game to play together, and good way to learn about each other's play styles. My boyfriend is a person who loves diving into damage and he's just like I'm INVINCIBLE! =D cute and funny when he dies though xD

    Portal/2: the many times I get yelled at for screwing up a portal

    TF2:

    Watch movies over skype (don't broadcast the movie, waste of bandwidth imo)

    Write in journal how you feel about him instead of just laying it on him. I think it's a good way to let go of emotional burdens without overbearing him, and in any case, you're not xD

    I'm trying to make an alphabet of things I love about him. (find 26 words, each starting with the letters of the alphabet) It's alot of fun and frustratingly interesting trying to find words for x and z.

    Talk over Skype about trivial things and his life. Don't ask about problems instead I ask about what he thinks about a certain subject (if he had mentioned it before).

    Find your own hobbies and get him involved time to time (not always xD). I go to the gym nearly every work day and I'm thinking of doing something to make him laugh about the gym.

    Take some courses that interest you! Not just hobbies, I'm sort of a nerd so I love learning about things.

    Give him time to process things. I learned this the hard way. If you aren't doing it already, there are times when if he doesn't feel like talking or doing something, let him be but always keep that door open for him. As well, make sure you have time to care for RL too (especially if you're online)
     
  12. Ryukotsu

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    Thanks Soooo much for all the great advice :slight_smile: youre life savers!