Hello, I hope you don't mind if I tell my problem and try to get some advice... I am really lost in life and I wish I could do something. You know that with a cloudy mind, you cannot see the sun so I hope I can see the sun again. Many things are happening in my life. First of all, I have a mother with BPD and she can get really violent sometimes. Because she and my father divorced, I had to return from Sweden to Spain since she was living there and she started going crazy with her life and because of that, she got into debt. We moved to a much smaller place in a very weird neighborhood and because of the money problems and everything she has been getting more and more snappy, getting violent or insulting me for anything. Especially since I rebelled a bit against her because I want to live as a girl instead of a boy like she always raised me. Even tho I don't regret my decision, I cannot stand being with her and being called things like sl*t or wh*r* because I want to be a woman. She also isolates me and my younger brother from people and it's very bad because none of us have friends. Needless to say, when I used to live alone in Sweden... I was much happier and free, I only had to worry about work and now I'm jobless and trapped here. I'm trying to fight for a few job opportunities currently but the bad thing is that because I am depressed, anxious and unmotivated (to not say, I get ill and tired easily lately)... I really wonder if I can reach these opportunities. The other part of the story happens to be my girlfriend. She's from USA, she's a closet MTF currently and she's living with her "official girlfriend" whom she dislikes since this girls expects her to be a man that supports her in the future. Still, because this girl is really dramatic and violent (not to mention, she isolated my girlfriend to the point that's why she's closeted about saying she's MTF and getting help), my girlfriend is afraid to leave her even tho she constantly tells me that she wants to leave her to be the girl she is and also eventually be with me. I try to support my girlfriend and sometimes she gets motivated and sometimes she gets really down and depressed. Many times I cannot keep with her mood swings and I get angry but in the end we do love each other and support each other. Sometimes I wonder what to do with her with the mood swings and when she gets moody and paranoid, sometimes I get really worried and double-anxious because of this. Even when I try to give her space to think, she clings to me because she doesn't want to think things alone. I don't know what to do. In short, because of my family and love situation I get depressed and anxious to the point of not eating and sleeping well sometimes. I lack of will and motivation and that is bad because I want to move forward and get out from this house. Sometimes I also wonder what to do with my future since I wanna be free but I wanna be with my girlfriend but she is too afraid to do a move for herself and us. I am lonely, I have no friends to talk to or come to advice and sometimes trying to be too cheerful when I'm actually down and with no one for support is too much for me. I am really lost... Sorry for this weird and sad post...
Wow! What a complicated story! Why do you need to be saddled with your mother's problems? If you were living independently in Sweden, what forced you to come back? Are you financially dependent, or did you feel an obligation to care for her? Having just one of your problems would be enough, but your second problem is also a big one! I don't know if I have any advice other than to try and sort one of them out at a time. Personally, I'd start with your home situation. Can you go back to Sweden? Where is your father in all of this? OK he's not responsible for your mum, but he should try to help you if he can. If it's any help at all: (&&&)(&&&)
When I was living in Sweden, my father was both my boss at work and my landlord. When my parents divorced, he fired me and kicked me out of the apartment because he didn't want to have anything to do with anything related to my Mom, including me even tho I was one of his best workers. Even tho I had money to move on since I was saving to go back to University, I went back with Mom since she was being unstable and I felt the obligation to come back since my brother was 10-11 back then. About the second problem, it is very complicated considering my girlfriend is stubborn, moody and sometimes has these very bad anxiety snaps. I was thinking that if I get the job opportunities I'm aiming for, I'll save money to go back to Sweden but at the same time I do wonder if I should wait for my girlfriend to be ready and come up with a decision. About my Dad, he disappeared from the ends of the Earth... So he cannot help out. D'awww thank you, I really need hugs (&&&)(&&&)
Hmmm! How old is your brother now? Does he have a passport? How about giving him the choice of coming with you or staying with your mother. I don't think that environment is doing either of you any good. Would you mind if I float this idea past you: Your gf sounds a bit abusive (I could be misreading what you wrote) - do you think that you are a bit of a sucker for an abusive relationship? It sounds like your parents have both put themselves before their children, and it could be your gf does the same. Time to move on, maybe, to someone more accessible and supportive? (*hug*)
He's gonna be 14 in a few months, he does have a passport since he moved as much as me. I would love to take my brother with me if I manage to be stable with money and have a proper job. Even tho Mom doesn't do things to him since he's biologically a boy, he does get depressed at Mom since she loves to humiliate us when she's angry. She wasn't this way before. She used to be sweet, attentive and nice. She was always there for me and I was there for her even tho there was her "official girl" living with her. According to her I am her #1 and she wants to be with me. Still, lately she has been with doubts all over about herself and about everything. Her work lowered and she claims that the less she does, the more she thinks and that sparks her insecurity about everything. About abusive... She can be really mean sometimes, like she can say things without thinking and point out hurtful things. Then when I leave her behind, she runs to me and apologizes then blames her anxiety and tells me to be with her. This is the first time I've faced a relationship like this and I keep hoping and wishing things would go back the way they were before... I dunno, I try to not think bad things of others but I do wonder if I'm surrounded by selfish people or not. I do love my girlfriend very much and I want to love her and support her, still... Sometimes these mood swings and moodiness are too much for me. It would be difficult for me to love someone else, in fact, I don't think someone else would love me since I'm a problematic child in a sense...
I've been married and my first wife, Michelle, had problematic parents. Her father had Multiple Sclerosis from when M was 5 and she grew up with her mum relying on her, a child, rather than her husband, who could do nothing - he had MS really badly and was in a wheelchair within months of developing it. This meant that when M wanted to go to Uni and have an adult life of her own, her mum just wouldn't accept it. She put awful pressure on M, including refusing to sign the paperwork so she could continue with her university course. During her second year, she was without financial support because of her mum, so we both worked hard and we got her through by pooling our resources. Eventually, despite the fact that I was gay and she knew it, we got married because that meant she was no longer dependent on her parents signing anything so we got her through her course. I'm telling you this because I have experience of abusive relationships between parents and child. I know you feel a duty to her, but you have a duty to yourself too. Almost nothing you can do will satisfy her demands upon you, and you're already feeling the drain on your mental resources. It's a great pity your brother isn't older and you could just leave. Then she might make the effort to get herself together instead of living her life through you, at your expense. I really admire your stamina if you've been putting up with this for so long. Be careful not to allow yourself to reach breaking point. :eusa_naug
I am trying to take care of myself as well, that's why I'm trying to find all the jobs opportunities I can to save and also save myself. In a way I feel this "home" is draining me and making me insane. She is never happy, never satisfied. No matter what you do, she will always be like this and I'm aware, that's why I need to go away. There's not much that I can do for my brother, still, I know that at least he will be physically safe since she adores him for being biologically a boy. My stamina is really down like my spirits. My girlfriend was my biggest joy and even she is draining me because we were so happy and fine together, planning things together and such and suddenly she changed. It is very sad and discouraging, I'm kinda back to square one. I'm trying my best to not lose myself because I know I might try to commit suicide, I tried multiple times without any warning but I always failed. I don't know if I'm a failure even to die or there's something awaiting for me. I just don't know anymore...
I think finding your gf was a ray of hope at the time, a hold-fast, but I feel you know already that the benefit you get from the relationship might be costing you more than you would like to admit. If you are feeling suicidal, then it really is time to say "Enough!" I'm not sure how healthcare is done in Spain, but you do need to get help, even if it's a road you've been down before. You must not leave it as it is. If I had a magic wand, I'd put it all right for you, Sweetie, but I'm afraid you'll have to look to conventional methods. Top of my list is to out distance between you and your mother. You say your brother will be OK. Second on my list would be to find myself a gf who is less needy and could spare ME some time. I hope I don't sound too harsh, but sometimes you DO have to bite the bullet - the alternative is just NOT ACCEPTABLE. (&&&)
Phew, that really is a complicated story, huh? Before anything else, I wanted to address something you said: you are in no sense a problematic child, you're someone who's stuck in a problematic situation. In no way are you "damaged goods". You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and are incredibly caring. Don't beat yourself up for things outside of your control. And secondly, if you're at all feeling suicidal, please call one of those help lines, or come here and vent or something. I'm not that great at talking about suicide, so hopefully someone else can chime in better than I can, but there are resources in place and people who will listen. If I had to suggest anything, I think I'd say that you should break up with your girlfriend. I know you love and care for her, but she's adding another load of stress onto your already overfilled plate. Your relationship with her doesn't sound like a particularly healthy one if she's overly attached to you. Breaking up with her is something you have the ability to do now, without any financial resources, and will likely have more immediate positive effects on your situation as a whole. I'm not saying cut her out of your life; you can still be friends if you want and even consider getting back together later if things went that way. But if you've already got your mom and brother as your primary concerns, you don't need your girlfriend jumping in too. When someone is struggling, the other should be there to support them, yet you're doing the exact opposite: supporting her because she's struggling even though you are too. And I think it's been pretty unanimous, but it's probably best that you find your way out of that household. Immediate things that come to mind: - Could you stay somewhere else in Spain, so you could still care for your brother but aren't stuck with your mom? - Would your brother be okay with you moving somewhere else if he had to stay with your mom? - Is there any reason you're looking to go back to Sweden in particular? Best bet might be to find a job. Not to say you don't have any options now, but you suddenly have a lot more with a bit of money under your belt. If nothing else, working would get you out of the house for a while each day (assuming you're "allowed" to go get a job). Best of luck to you though, and remember that we're here for you in whatever way we can be. (*hug*)
