I'm going through another depression spell and unless I want to get grounded or kicked out of my home I need to quit it. And YES, I am being dead serious. It's not just paranoia, alothough I do have that too which is making all of this SO much more fun, but I WILL GET GROUNDED OR KICKED OUT for being depressed. I've been in counselling, gone through a shit load of meds and tried home remedies, but nothing works. I have no one to talk to about it other than my therapist when she bothers to show up and deal with my shit. My parents get extremely pissed off at me for being depressed, and if I start feeling suicidal again THEY WILL FLIP THEIR SHIT AND I WILL BE CUT OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD AGAIN. The rest of my family is probably sick of hearing from me, and I know my biological father won't listen because he's sick of me too (he stopped calling me for a reason). My girlfriend is the last person in the world who can hear about this. I do not need her getting worried. My friends no longer speak with me, so they are also out. I have no other adults that I know in my life because I never leave the house other than to see my girlfriend for an hour or so, or to walk to the store. The ONLY THING that has EVER made me feel better is the fine art of exercising until it hurts to breath and every muscle I have is screaming in agony for me to stop as I keep going because it's the only time I can feel anything other than choking misery. However, I also have to be able to clean and babysit, and I'm already in pain from doing pushups that I can't pull off without hurting myself. Because really I'm physically weak as all fuck, so it takes very little exercise to "break" me. As much as it hurts, I'm probably just going to keep working out. Really, I am wishing that I hurt myself so badly I get hospitalized. That sounds like a fucking dream come true. But before I do that, does any one else have any idea what I could do? I NEED to quit this shit ASAP, unless I want to be disowned.
Sometimes it takes a major change of circumstances before you can start recovery. Sometimes it's your circumstances which contribute to your depression or are even the cause. You make it sound like it's all your fault! I'm sure you didn't CHOOSE to be depressed and miserable! Your family could quite possibly be burned out and at their wits end, just as you are. Have you considered whether living independently might be a possible solution? I know you're still young, but in the UK people of 16 are allowed to live independently. I'm not saying this because I think you should take your shit elsewhere and give everyone a break, but it might be that a radical change like living on your own might just give you the boost you need. A studio apartment, not too far from home so you can visit easily, take your washing etc, somewhere you can be in charge and responsible for yourself a bit more instead of feeling you have to be a burden. OK, maybe your parents might have to pay the rent, but if they can see the benefits, they might be up for it? Get back to me with your thoughts so I can keep thinking for you. In the meantime (*hug*)
Exercise will most definitely help along with medication, therapy and SUPPORT! Having people who love and support you is crucial. How can you be expected to get any better living in this type of environment? It's detrimental to your health and recovery; I am a firm believer that your environment plays a huge part in your mental health. What resources do you have available to you still being a minor? I'm sorry, but you need to tell someone what you're going through. What about your girlfriend's parents? When will you be 18?
My birthday is the day after Christmas. I can't really GO anywhere. Just bringing up something like that would get me in huge trouble (I've tried it before, I know). I'd be overly grateful just if I'm allowed to walk down to the store for Twizzlers and Faygo tonight (GeT mY mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl On). My therapist actually showed up and surprised me today. We talked and I said a bunch of shit I've already posted on here, including my fears that I really AM a huge bitch and I'm just delusional thinking they are hurting me at all (emotionally). Until the latter came up, she seemed very pleased that I was finally standing up for myself and not just giving in to everyone like the doormat I am. My therapist is my only outside resource. My girlfriend's dad is my "emergency man". If things EVER get too bad here, I can be safe over there until I get transportation to somewhere I can stay. I'm without a doubt going to have to leave next summer because my step dad doesn't want me, but until then I'm stuck here. I just wish I could stop hurting so I could work out again.
Exercise too when I'm really depressed. I feel like when my heart rate goes up I can feel something other than emptiness. Do you have a psychiatrist or a therapist? If your depression keeps coming back then you should probably be on medication. Your parents shouldn't kick you out for being depressed. That is one of the most absurd things I've ever heard. That would actually make the depression worse. I'm always free to talk. I've been through the cycle and it's always good to have someone to talk to!
Other than the privilege of ever seeing my girlfriend again and losing access to the Internet, I have nothing to lose. Of course my gf is what's keeping me going anymore, but I'm not going to take this anymore. It's not a matter of want anymore. I can NOT survive unless I learn how to socialize, make friends and be able to survive against people who are against me. I HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP AND SHELTERED TOO LONG. So I will ask, I will ask again, and I will demand to be let out. Because if I want to get better, I need to free myself. No one gives enough fucks to save me from this. Well, for once in my life, I GIVE A FUCK. And so my kick ass, rebellious alter who can take over from here. I've ignored her long enough, and it's time she gets a chance to fuck shit up... ---------- Post added 8th Aug 2012 at 11:55 AM ---------- (*hug*)
Sometimes anger can be a force for good. Being angry with yourself or with someone else is just what you need to get you out of a rut. Let us know if you need a shoulder... Is it your family you need to learn to socialize with or people in general?
