So im not out atm. And ive been in relationship with my bf for 8 months, and from time to time he's been pushing me to come out to my mom. Of course, I just dont have that confidence right now, and he gave me an ultimatium saying by Nov(our year) if i dont' come out by then, we break up. Well yesterday, i picked him up from work, and he says he can't wait 3 more months. I'm beyond pissed. My mom did sometimes put me on the spot where of course, I choked. I didn't even text him or anything today.. Idk guys. Suggestions? Anything?
I can understand it's difficult for you, especially as your bf seems to be pressuring you. I can say, though, that it can be frustrating to be the partner that is kept hidden in the shadows. I've been with my partner for 14 years, the first 5 of which I had to spend Christmases and holidays on my own because Tim couldn't tell his parents about his being gay, and therefore was expected to go to his parents for these special times. I can tell you it is not a nice feeling if you constantly feel "not quite good enough" or not worth the effort. In the end, I decided to move to the Netherlands and I gave my bf the option to stay or to come with me. He came with me, and his parents now know, even though it is still "unspoken". I know it is difficult, but I can see it from his point of view too. It really doesn't feel nice to be the guilty secret in someone's life. In fact, it's horrible. There must have been something that pushed the issue - did he want to do something that you said no to because you're not out? Or did he just have a bad day and pick this to argue about? Anyway, hello and (*hug*)
First off, I think he's being a little unfair even though I understand his motivation to make an "ultimatum". You shouldn't have to do anything that you don't feel comfortable doing. That said, I think he's telling you that you should come out to your parents because your relationship can only progress so far while hidden, and that he cares enough for you that he'd like to move further, but can't because the road is blocked. You also haven't listed how old you are. If you're like 15, then he's probably being immature about it or something. On the other hand, if you're like 30, then it probably is time for you to seriously consider coming out (if you haven't already done so). I think it's important to remember too that sometimes all we need is a push to get us going. Maybe this is that push you need. So it might be time to see if it's worth coming out now rather than instinctively dragging your heels on it (because that's what closeted people are taught to do). What you need to weigh is if whatever "feelings" you have for him are worth getting over your fear and telling your parents, no matter what the outcome may be. And since you haven't listed your age or personal status (financial, education, living, etc.) it's not really something we can give a solid answer on.
It's not really right for him to try and force you into coming before you're ready. If your mom has put you on the spot about it maybe coming out soon could be a good idea, but do it for yourself and only when you're ready. Have you tried talking to him and explaining you just aren't ready?
Agreed. in answer to his ultimatum, i would give another back: "If you want to be my friend, let alone my boyfriend, don't deliver ultimatums to me"
Sorry guys, I thought my Age was on display. I'm 22, I've been working as a bank teller for over a year, so I'm making decent money for Career. I do still live with my mom, but I help out with bills and such. My mom and I have a good relationship. She's one of those moms that is "keep it 100%" and talk about everything..but this is just a different topic..ya know? And yes, initally I should have broken up with him giving me an ultimatium. NO ONE should ever be pressured into coming out. And he sys the ONLY was to move forward with our relationship is to come out. Now I have let him tag me in Tweets on Twitter( that was cutting it..if you know what I mean) and I do/don't care about that...but My mom had added him on FB and he accepted it! Now am I wrong for getting mad? He says I shoild be mad at my mother for adding him(funny thing is my birthday was in July..he was a smartass and asked to be my moms friend without even telling me :-O) .
Honestly, I don't think that I would be willing to be in a relationship with a closeted adult. I wouldn't consider it fair to ME to have to keep something secret that I've already come to terms with myself. It would mean going backwards into the closet to an extent. Now, I don't know exactly how it came out, but honestly I would see nothing wrong with saying that I wasn't comfortable continuing in a relationship that had to be kept secret, and if that wasn't going to change in the near future I wanted to break up. It wouldn't be a judgement of my partner, not meant to pressure them, but an expression of my own needs.
It absolutely isn't fair of your boyfriend to give you an ultimatum like that. If you aren't ready to come out, you shouldn't be essentially forced to. Buuuut, I kind of agree with Bree. It'd be incredibly hard to be with someone who wasn't willing to acknowledge the relationship publicly, or even acknowledge it any time in the near future. I see where your boyfriend is coming from, but he's going about it the wrong way. If he's worth it, I say come out to your mom. If you're relationship is that good, she probably already knows. Good luck! x
Ultimatums come from rulers...... Do you want to live with someone that rules the roost? I can understand that I would make your relationship with him more open, but only you will know when it's time to come out to your mom.
I don't think it's too cool that he's given you an ultimatum. He, I assume, knew you weren't out to your mom when you started dating, so if he didn't want to date a closeted guy he should have known then. I do see his point about wanting to be more open and he's probably frustrated, but I don't like ultimatums since the people who tend to give are usually control freaks and there are better ways to go about things. He should understand that you're not ready to come out yet to your mom and if he wants you to come out he should be helping you get the confidence to come out not an ultimatum.
Dude come out now when your young and began a non axeity life about secerts. Take it from me im 42 surround by straight friends a homophobic brother and basically lied my life away. Well half way lied. But ultimatums are not very nice to do. However, I would never start something with a guy knowing full well I can't give In. But stuff happens and people fall in love without thinking.
Yeah, he knew before hand, it just kinda happened. My friends know about us, its just my mom. Shits kinda whack, I know. I should man up...idk why its so hard@
Where all kind of wacked! Im waiting for when my mom passes on shes 82, kinda like the godfather when micheal waits till hes mom dies and then wacks his brother. In my case i plan on moving away from my homophobe brother and began to be gay! lol hahaha! like i live in NJ not far from nyc would like to move to the other coast! But if a family member was to ask if im gay i think i would admit it today actuallly. Ive began to not give shit. im bi so im not totally gay! Who Hoo!(!) ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2012 at 06:32 PM ---------- Oh you should do it! but when your ready, but stop pondering in your head over and over again and again. And there will be other fish in the sea. He seems quite controlling. Hell why listen to me i can't even do it. lol anyway.
Your boyfriend giving you an ultimatum really isn't fair on you. I think that would just put added pressure onto your situation, making it more difficult to come out to your mom. Your mom does sound like a nice person so you could try coming out to her. I have not come out to my parents yet so I know the feeling, but if you're relationship with him is really good she may already have an inkling of an idea that the two of you may be going out. Hopefully it will work out for you!
When people care for one another in a relationship they don't issue ultimatums. Though I can understand your boyfriends point the fact remains that he knew from the start that you were not out. He made the decision for himself to persue a relationship with you knowing where you were at in your life. Just because things have not moved along as he had hoped (your coming out) does not mean it is fair for him to do what he has. It seems as if he is telling you to choose him over yourself and that isn't fair to you. You need to do what is best for you and follow your heart because you alone are the one who has to live with the decisions you make. If your love for one another is strong enough I think it will survive whatever decision you make. Best of luck.
