Help with men

First off, if you're not willing to be out to your family, then when you go travelling with them it means you're staying closeted. There's not much getting around that unless you're going to be really sneaky about that. And given that you're not a legal adult yet, it's gonna be pretty tricky to go have sex with random men if they have even a few tabs on you.

Secondly, you're only 17. I don't know about St. Thomas and Brazil, but the legal drinking age in Miami is 21, so you might want to stop planning on hitting up bars this early, since it's not gonna happen.

Thirdly, you can flirt with men without them knowing you're a "top" or a "bottom" - they just need to know you're into men. But again, if you aren't willing to be out to your family, that's tough to do. Being the type of gay guy who's only into sex and nothing more is the type that gives gay guys everywhere a bad, promiscuous name. And I have to say, if you're only into guys for the sex and not a personal connection, I'd seriously question whether you've got some personal issues going on that's preventing you from wanting that. There aren't many people who are being totally honest with themselves that do not want a healthy relationship.

So if you want tips on meeting these men in your current state, I can't give those to you. I think the only one I can is that you should probably come out. And if you say that you can't come out because they won't accept you, well then, you need to decide what's more important: not telling them (and everything that goes with that) or having sex with random men.

 

BudderMC was actually being very helpful (and no Budder, I'm nit drunk or high, I am agreeing with you for once).

The way he, as well as I, read it that you'd be traveling with your family so it'e be hard for you to hook up with guys. As for the clubs, like Budder, I don't know about St. Thomas or Brazil, but as long as you have an ID, so 18 I think, you can get in.

As for hooking up with random guys, I won't tell you no, but if you do definitely use protection. Clubs in big cities can definitely hold many, many disease-ridden 'top' guys.

You also have to understand that coming here and posting things, you'll get the good advice and the bad. I've gotten plenty of advice on here, a lot of it negative, you just have to accept it.

Be safe.

 

That's exactly how I took it, so I'm sorry if I misunderstood you.

Back to the point. I don't understand what it is you want help on then if you've already decided for yourself that you're going to go out and sleep with these nice top guys. If it's how to avoid your family, like I said, I'm not teaching you how to do that... and besides, you said they apparently don't matter in this situation. Though if it doesn't factor into your decisions, I'm not sure why you'd bother to mention it in the first place.

If you want to know about the LGBT community, then let me tell you this: like I said, by engaging in effectively "hook-ups", you're perpetuating the stereotype that all gay guys are promiscuous. And since we're going off of stereotypes, most of those guys you're going to sleep with probably won't be the nice tops with good personalities you're looking for. And the ones that you are looking for probably wouldn't be inclined to give you a chance if those are your "dating habits". Despite what a lot of people seem to think, gay guys, like any other guy, value a healthy relationship.

If I was mistaken about the club thing, then that's my bad. At least here in Canada, if you aren't old enough to drink, you can't be in clubs/bars/casinos/anywhere like that where they serve alcohol. If you want to go in and not drink, then so be it. But it's probably a very clear indicator of your age.

Speaking of age, given that you are 17 and want to be sleeping with men on a regular basis, you're pretty much a prime target to be taken advantage of. I don't care how smart you think you are or how many languages you know, you're still 17, still new to the "dating" world, and still quite naive simply because you're a horny teenager (and yes, I can say that, because I was one once). There are men who prey on guys like you. That's not to say you will be taken advantage of, but it's a very real possibility and something you need to be aware of. If you're going to be sexually active, you need to take responsibility for yourself, and that means being aware of the risks of the activities you're engaging in (like BicuriousBoy said, as well).

And if you're looking for the non-sexually charged LGBT community, well, bars and clubs aren't the places you're going to find it. Check out local LGBT centers in the places you're visiting then.

All that said, I'm still not totally sure what you're asking. So if I've failed to address it, let me know and I'll actually give it a shot.

I was disagreeing with you, but being rather polite. Do me (and yourself) a favour and look at what I said from an outsider's point of view for a second; you might just find that what I said was actually pretty relevant (and certainly not intended as some kind of attack).

 

Well, whether that will work or not will depend on the area you're in. In Montana high schoolers can easily get away with buying alcohol or drinking at a bar, but I wouldn't want to try my luck here in Seattle - they take their laws on alcohol a little more seriously.


If you do go to gay bars in Miami, just know that there will always be a chance that you will be carded (they will ask for your I.D.) and if you can't prove you're 21+ you're liable to be thrown out or have a fine levied against you.

No clue about St. Thomas and Brazil though.


Edit: I should note that bars can ask you to leave (if under the drinking age) regardless of whether you're drinking or not. I do not mean to imply you will try to drink underage.

 

I know that here in PA you need to be 18 to get into a club but will get carded when you ask for a drink. Gay clubs idk about...I am 15 so I don't know much about clubbing. However you are right they may actually ask you to leave if you're under 21.

 

Wow, there. Just because someone wants to hook up doesn't mean that they are emotionally damaged or scarred. Sometimes it is just as simple as wanting to hook up. As far as "promoting the stereotype", that's not his problem at all. He isn't our representative or our spokesperson.

OP,

My answer is going to vary depending on what you are looking for. If you are looking only for sex (which is fine as long as you are over 18 and play safe!) then finding who is top or bottom is going to be a very easy concept. You just ask and see if it works out. If it doesn't then you just move on. Its a bit of a harsh concept, but that's pretty much how it goes. There are also sites that you can use, but I won't name those on here

BUT, if you are looking for a relationship more than anything, then the whole top and bottom thing sort of goes out the window. Normally, that topic tends to resolve itself once you get to know each other and get to a place of having sex with someone you care. More likely than not, even if the guy is a bottom, people tend to adjust if they like the person enough.

Please do keep in mind that you will encounter people who you disagree with and that's fine. What is not fine is to be rude about it.

 

I can nearly guarantee you that someone you meet on a hook-up will not be a long lasting relationship, nor will you feel happy about it down the road. A relationship doesn't develop from sex; on the contrary, it's the opposite that happens. You move towards sex once you develop a relationship.

That said, you're 17. You don't need a relationship. It's great that you want one, but it certainly isn't the be-all, end-all of your life, despite what a lot of people think. You have so much else going for you with your career that you shouldn't let yourself get hung up over this.

You still haven't mentioned what you wanted help with, so I don't know what to tell you. If it's just how to meet men, then we've outlined that. If you want the flings that you keep sounding like you want, then sure, go to bars and clubs for sex. If you're looking for a deeper relationship, you're probably not going to find that through a holiday fling. And if you're looking for something that isn't heavily sexually-based, then you should check out the local LGBT community centers and the like. I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm listing the realities of the situation that is called "dating when you're a 17 year old gay guy" that you seem to be overlooking.

I'd suggest online dating, but honestly, you're going to get the same fling-based respondents you'd get from cruising at bars and clubs. If you're going for a real-life traditional matchmaker, sure, that might work... but I don't see how it will if you're travelling all the time, either on holiday or for your tennis.

 

Perhaps people would be able to help better if you were clear on what you wanted to know, and were less rude. I'm still not sure if you're looking for a hook-up or a relationship, and all we seem to know about you is that you're very rich, good at tennis, and far too clever for us all. Just something to think about.

 

Perhaps not being rude and arrogant is the best way to start developing meaningful relationships. Congrats, you speak seven languages, who cares? I'm going to get into one of the top universities in Britain and I'm already a published writer at seventeen, but I don't feel the need to tell people or act like I'm better than they are. I would say grow up but there are plenty of fifteen year olds and even younger on this website who are more polite than you.

 

EVERYONE was helping you.

Why doesn't this ring true? Hm... And no, life is not short, unless you have cancer, or are dying because of an illness. You're freaking 17!

Congrats! You speak 7 languages! There's a fine line between being intelligent and being mature (or maybe not?), and you're being very immature. Yeah I agree, you're freaking 17.

I hope you read what you write. Everyone here was helping you for free. They don't get paid. And you're being very bossy (what with that "don't talk to me about..."), and annoying. A smart person would know that there are always things to be learned.

There are plenty more things I want to say about you but I guess I should stop before I sound too much like you.

 

Hello, Hamze! Welcome to EC :smilewave

All men are different and it's difficult to say that there is only ONE way to approach them and make a suitable impression.

There was a time when signals were given about your preferences - things to do with handkerchieves or keys and which pocket they were sticking out of.

I don't think that you'll find any useful clues like that now which will help you to determine whether a man is top or bottom, so you won't be able to distinguish one from the other without either getting to know them, or asking them as Ed suggested. If you are in a gay bar, the chances are in your favour that the guy you ask will be gay or bi and he will not be offended by the question.

I don't know the places you mentioned at all, but you should be able to find info on the internet as to whether there are gay-friendly bars and clubs in the area, and what ID requirements they have for you to get in.

Once you're in, how do you intend to proceed?

1. Are you confident and able to walk up to people and start a conversation?
2. Are you a little shy and reserved and likely to wait for someone to approach you?

The way you behave in the bar might have an inflluence on who you make contact with.

If you are confident (bossy) maybe guys with think of YOU as a top.

If you are more reserved, they may think of you as more bottom.

Adjusting your behaviour might then influence the "type" who stick around and get to know you more.

I can't remember if you said how long you will be in these places, so excuse me:

1. If you're there only for a couple of days, then you're not really going to achieve a relationship, it will at best be one or two-night stands before you move on.

2. If your there for several weeks, it might be worth placing an ad or looking in the local journals to see if there is anyone there who is "looking".

Although you'll be 18, I get the impression that you will be returning home after these visits rather than staying. This will also have an effect on your decisions - are you looking for someone who is prepared to continue a relationship with you at a distance?

Good luck with the tennis :smilewave

 

You said it much better than I managed through my mild rage. I had to edit my initial response to make it more suitable for the forum's age range.

 

This is going a bit far now. We all need to remember what this site and forum are for. I will not disagree that the comments have been a little rude and that is definitely not conducive to getting help. However, I know sometimes when we get frustrated we don't always pick our words well. He is still young and clearly frustrated at the situation and the fact people here are misunderstanding him.

hamze: you need to understand this forum is for support and everyone is doing their best. Perhaps they are misunderstanding you more than judging you. The advice people are giving are based on what they understand from your writing. Try to make yourself a bit more clear with what you want and you may get more direct/clear responses. Also, I agree with the post above, that people aren't paid to be here. So please be patient and polite as well. Its a much better way to get helpful responses.

We don't need to turn this into an argument so lets all just chill. Just like everyone else here, he wants a little guidance. Let's just try to help and help him out.

---------- Post added 8th Aug 2012 at 06:46 AM ----------

Now I guess I'll take a shot at this... haha.

It seems like you could want a relationship, but you are using terms constantly associated with "hook-ups", so that is maybe where people are being misled.

If you do want a relationship, than you need to be careful where u want to meet people for that. Relationships that start based around sex, aren't USUALLY of good quality. It is important to develop a connection with someone before you make that sort of physical commitment. There is no judgement if you want to do it the other way, but just saying it doesn't generally work out. Bars and Clubs aren't places to meet people to date. You are better of doing things that you enjoy like sports or whatever and meet people there, or LGBT events wherever you are.

One more thing to keep in mind, the other guy needs to be interested too. When you are moving around a lot, that can be a drawback for other guys getting into a relationship with you and might make it harder to find someone while travelling or in your situation. Good luck though and remember. 17 is young, and for someone with a developing career already, you have lots of time to get everything figured out. Just make lots of friends, have fun, and enjoy being a teenager.

 

How long are you going to be in Miami, St. Thomas and Brazil?