Hello! I found this forum through Google. If you have the patience to read through this, I am going to try and narrate where I am coming from right now, in hopes that I might gain some advice. I am not out, save for the handful of people I have told over time, and so I cannot discuss this with my close friends. I could use some guidance/perspective. I am going to attempt to be as honest as I can be, which is rare for me. I am a 24 year old male. I am currently bisexual, but due to varying reasons I suspect that maybe I am exclusively homosexual. I guess I will start before this, though, in my youth. Growing up I was a part of a Christian church. They had endoctrinated me into believing that looking at a girl sexually was sinful and shameful. As a result of this, I never even attempted to get involved with girls socially, and due to my obesity during my youth, I was terrified to anyhow. At this time in my life, I have never had a girlfriend and never tried to attain one. I have made out with a handful of girls, and gone down on one girl, and that is pretty much it. It is something I am very insecure about. I have also been with two men sexually. It gets a little complicated, though. Since I can remember (so, before kingergarten), I have had sexual urges to be submissive. I understand this is not normal, so I never open up about it. Even in kindergarden I had sexual fantasies about submitting to my teachers. The first time I masturbated was pre school. It has always aroused me deeply to submit to a female in a sexual way, and still does. I would rather go down on a girl than have normal intercourse. And currently, between both the men and women I have been with, I have never allowed either gender to pleasure me. It was in highschool that I started looking at pictures of transexuals. I think it was the submissiveness that drew me into this. Submitting to women was one thing, but being penetrated with a penis is an entirely different level of submission. Women didn't have that ability, but transexuals did and my imagination exploded faster than I could control it. Later down the road it evolved into just men. My sexual fantasies are obsessive over preforming oral sex and anal sex ever since. Even now, though, I don't know what I am sexually. While I have experimented with men (which was actually via Craigslist and totally random and non-emotional), I am not emotionally attracted to men whatsoever. I cannot see myself dating a man. It has, though, occured to me that this could be denial. I can't say for sure. I am sexually invested in submission to anyone, of any gender- but emotionally I have only ever wanted to be with females. My mom raised me by herself and I suspect this might be the source of my dilemma. I don't know what to do at this point. I refuse to talk to my close friends about it. It isn't that I am ashamed or overly embarassed about what I am (whatever it is), it is really more about my friends categorizing me after I tell them. I don't want "bisexual/gay" to become what they see me as. I am many more things than that, and I don't know how coming out would effect their perceptions of me going forward. I also don't know what to do emotionally. I can't go on alone forever, but I feel so overburdened with baggage that approaching a girl emotionally is terrifying. What if I turn out to be gay completely? How could I do that to someone? What if I love them emotionally, but not sexually? That isn't sustainable. That isn't fair to them. I haven't tried to have vaginal sex with a girl yet, but not knowing if I can or not is such a tremendous pressure. I just feel confused and kind of like a freak. The people I have told (four so far, only one of them remotely a close friend- the rest aquaintances that don't jeapordize me) keep saying "there is someone out there for everyone". That sounds like garbage. I'm so stressed out about it, though. I'm a little inebriated right now so that probably came off as a nonsense stream of consciousness, but hopefully there is enough to make a little sense. Does anyone have any insight at all? I could use some reassurance or advice. Of course if you have any questions I will answer anything.
Welcome to EC :smilewave There is nothing abnormal about fantasizing about a submissive role. If you look through this site, you'll see lots of people who enjoy what you're describing. It's not even exclusively gay - a lot of straight people enjoy the role-play of submission. If you've not had a relationship with either a woman or a man, then your experience and, to some extent, your current attitude, centres around what you have done sexually rather than emotionally. Until you have had an emotional relationship with a man, you cannot be sure that it is not for you, similarly with a relationship with a woman. You seem to be suggesting that you might be open to the possibility of being bisexual - if you feel that, then you need to explore both. If you are bisexual, then the choice of partner you make will most-likely (IMHO) be based on their personality and qualities rather than on their gender. But don't be too certain about being unable to see yourself in a relationship with a man - sometimes it just takes meeting the right person and all the pieces fall into place. Try to be optimistic - whatever you "are" there are people out there made just for you, it just takes you to look. I undestand about the friends and not wanting them to categorize you. It might make you feel that you're being squashed into a box you didn't choose, but sometimes it helps THEM to put a handle on you and, ultimately, you're still the same person however they classify you, and still their friend. (&&&)
Hey... you're 24. You have plenty of time to figure this out. It's not like you have to have an answer tomorrow. As Bobbygooduk said, there's nothing wrong with thoughts about submission, nor is there anything wrong with being bisexual. Give it time to work itself out. Get into different relationships and if you feel uncomfortable, maybe the other direction is where you want to head.
