Hey y'all, I'm almost 18 now, I've been out of the closet to most of my friends and my sister for over two years now. But I haven't told my parents yet. Both of them are against the fact that Obama supports gay marriage. My dad thinks gays are "unnatural and against mother nature", and my mom just doesn't talk about gays that much. When I was 15, my mom found my gay porn stash in my computer while scanning the entire system for viruses. She found the titles of the files, and totally freaked. My mom made my older sister and I go through the folder, not only to delete each file, but to also write down the title of the video and the date downloaded/last viewed. She wasn't only upset about it being porn, but also that it was gay. My computer was taken out of my room, but eventually, when I got a new one it was put in my room again with no questions asked. After that week, when my mom and I were having a casual conversation, she mentioned something like "Michael, when you date...girls, boys, whatever . . . " pretty calmly. I don't remember what we were talking about though. A few times, my mom has cooly asked me if I'm gay. I simply said "no" because it's safer and easier. Because my mom has asked me three times in the past, could it mean that she has some idea and perhaps was ready for a "yes"? Overall, after that porn incident, whenever she mentioned or asked anything about homosexuality and me in the same sentence, she's done so calmly. I'm going to be leaving for university in a few weeks, and I'm still kind of unsure of when I should come out to my parents -- definitely mom first, though, because she's always the parent I've told big things like this to first. My parents will be paying for my college tuition, and I have no clue of whether or not they'd cut off my financial support after coming out. I've been told that I should just wait until I'm done with school, but that just seems (and feels) so far off from now -- there have been instances where I've wanted to tell my mom this year, but just didn't because I'm still living at home and not in a dorm quite yet. My mom has always told me that my grandmother was really happy about me being born, because I could pass on the family name in the future after marrying a woman, by the way. It's a traditional thing in Asian culture. Part of me is saying to take the risk and come out some time later during the school year, having faith that my parents won't cut off my college money. (My dad provides most of that money, by the way.) But the other part of me is saying to wait until I'm done with school in five years (4 years + 1 year for master's), after I'm 100% self-supported. I'm fairly certain that when I do come out, my mom and my dad will still love me -- but I know that they won't be happy about the news. After having experienced that porn incident, my mom won't be surprised. What do y'all think I should do? My parents aren't getting any younger -- they're comparatively older than my friends' parents.
Hello and welcome, Michael :smilewave I think your mother already knows - she isn't really being casual when she talks about when you start dating girls OR boys. Some people never get round to telling their parents - it just sits like an elephant in the room, the topic that no-one will discuss. If you want to feel at ease with them for however long you've got left with them, you have to be honest. Get it over with and out in the open. Then you can get on with your lives. They may not have chosen this as their first option for you, but they'll calm down eventually. I get the sense from what you write that you just want someone to give you a push - so PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHH
You could always come out to your mom and not your dad. After the porn incident, your mother should have got used to the idea of you being gay. There's no doubt they'll be a little disappointed, being Asian and all, but it's better sooner than later (imagine all the pressure, false hope to see you get married and have kids!). My question is, why do you need to come out now? Why not wait till you're out of college and have a job to take care of yourself financially?
I have similar parents to you, both culturally conservative and religiously conservative and closely, they're Asian (Chinese) xD a)Don't Ask Don't Tell-Like behaviour - depending on how homophobic they are, they'll exhibit this... "I don't want to hear or know about it. I don't want any men coming in (sexual or romantic, PDAs etc..)" mentality. They'll 'try to move on', meaning they'll try to act like everything is normal. b)Avoidance of the subject, when I first came out to them (along with telling them about my boyfriend). They didn't have much to say other than, acknowledging what you say and saying what they want to say. From an emotional standpoint, they're quite distant on this issue. If you want to come out to your parents, definitely assess the need or utility in doing it. I'm very lucky to be working full time and pay rent (to live in my parents' house xD) but for you, if you don't have a job or a good support system, it can be tough or tense at times. Just know that your parents love you and that it'll take time before they can really accept it if you choose to do it. This means they may get angry or confused as to why you like men, but eh, they'll get used to it over time and even welcome any boyfriend you bring.
Hey, I had pretty traditional Asian parents as well. In fact it is actually more accurate to say I have very traditional Asian "extended" family that would judge and shame my parents, brothers and me for being anything but normal. I do count my blessings that I am a girl though, and also have an older and younger brother to "pass on the family name". Just trying to get an idea, does your dad have other brothers with sons? do you have another brother? I know it may sound silly, but there is some importance of this, esp if there is inheritance from the grandparents involved. It is not unknown for grandparents to not pass to parents who's kids will not "behave". I'm sure your parents are also a little worried about how extended family would judge them. I came out after I was basically living on my own and could manage without financial help. It's a tough decision to make. I personally would wait until after you leave for school and be able to be open there. See how you feel then. As for your mom, I think she does suspect. But I wouldn't underestimate the reaction when it is "confirmed" that your gay. I'm not trying to be a spoil sport. Your parents can also surprise you! My parents reacted to it much better than I could have imagined it (..but I was imagining some pretty horrific things ...). Good luck. Feel free to msg me if you want.
I live in a pretty liberal Asian family, but I live in a very traditional Chinese community. It's like this area wasn't phased by the last 50 years. My biggest worry about coming out is how everyone else will perceive my family and my parents. My parents are very old too, compared to my friends' parents, and right now amongst my siblings I am the "most likely" to get married and start a family first. That extra pressure kills me. But like shfh said, I'm not expected to pass on the family name. Do you have brothers or cousins with the same last name? You could also explain to your parents that you could still have biological children, just not in the traditional way. 5 years is a long time to wait if you're already antsy to come out to them now. Are you really worried that your father might cut you off? Would your mother allow that to happen? I know a lot of Chinese dragon moms that wear the pants in the family. Plus, your education may be way more important to your father. I could be sentenced to life in prison and my father would still find a way to make me finish college. Only you can gauge how big that risk is. If you come out to your mom first, ask her what she thinks your father's reaction would be. She would know best and could help prepare him for it.
Thanks for all the supportive and prompt answers, y'all. I'm definitely going to come out to my mom before my dad, when the time is right. I feel that the main reason to come out to my parents would be to stop my parents' false hope, and to feel less restricted and more open with them. Sometimes, my mom assumes that I'm dating my close female friends. She's also asked me why I don't have a girlfriend. Despite being out to 90% of my friends, plus my (supportive) older sister, I still feel trapped. As for my dad? He just assumes that I'll get married and will have kids one day. I've never talked about anything related to gays with him. My dad really does value the importance of education -- he's always taught me that your health is #1, and your education is #2 in life. He's been saving money here and there so that I won't have to take any loans in college. I remember my dad told me that if I ever got a piercing (even an ear piercing), or a tattoo, I'd no longer be his son. Both of my parents are from an older generation so that's just how they are. Usually in my family, if my dad does something real upsetting, my mom is the one to argue and fight back about it to the best of her ability. But coming out might be an exception -- worst case would be both parents agree on cutting off my financial support in college. I remember when I came out to my older sis, she was super excited about it. But lately, she's been telling me to not come out to my mom and dad until I finish my 5 years of school. Easier said than done, huh? My sister's advice has been wrong about half the time in the past -- if it helps at all, she has my dad's personality, and I have my mom's. In the past, my sister has said to come out after high school. But now, she's saying to come out after college. Hmm... Earlier today, my dad said that he's thinking about finding a way to claim me as an independent on his tax forms after this coming school year, so that I can get more government financial aid. Maybe if I get a lot of financial aid after that happens, it'll be a better time to come out? Provided, if independency actually happens. I have a good net of emotional support for coming out -- sister, friends, one of my cousins. But the main issue is financial support. Don't wanna be graduating with a lot of debt! ---------- Post added 9th Aug 2012 at 03:43 AM ---------- Oh and I don't have any brothers, nor do I have any male cousins with the same last name as me. Passing on the family name is solely my job, or my sister's, if she keeps her last name upon marriage and uses Nguyen in her kid's name in the future. ---------- Post added 9th Aug 2012 at 03:46 AM ---------- So in essence: Mom -- she's not gonna be happy about my gayness, but I'm 90% sure that she will get over it and things will go back to normal eventually. Dad -- no clue. He's disowned me for other reasons before (being rebellious or something like that), but that disowning died off pretty quickly.
Are you planning on going to college in your hometown? If you go away, you could work the holidays and avoid having to go home for too much of the year - that would mean you'd only have to "hide" for a few days of the year for the next 5 years. My brother and I are also the last with our name. He has never been married and has no children. I adopted, so my name continues and is part of my family tree, along with my grandchildren, who include a boy, so the name is safe for the next generation too! It's an option worth considering. You sound like you know your parents well and I think you're asking for confirmation that you should say something. Apart from the considerations of family tradition, are they religious? I think people with very strong religious affiliations are the hardest to win over. Your parents have invested a lot of time and love in you - despite what your father has said about disowning, you're sort of sying you don't think he means it seriously. It's almost worth getting a piercing to test the water - you could always take it out and let it heal if the money-bag snaps shut! As an aside, do you know the film "Under One Roof"? It deals, obviously in a fictional sense, with the issues surrounding an only Chinese son. Sweet film - it made me smile and is quite energetic. You might think of watching it sometime, but it has nothing to do with your issue really.
I'm gonna be attending college in another big city in my state -- about three hours from home. When I find a husband one day I do plan on adopting a kid or two, and I'll use the family name on my kid. I'd rather do that than find a surrogate mom, honestly. My parents are not very religious. We're a Buddhist family, and there isn't much about homophobia in Buddhism, as far as I know. We're more casual Buddhists; paying respect to our ancestors is the most important part to us. My dad has been mentioning that I could claim independency in order to get more federal financial aid for college. Not sure how true that is, but if it does happen, maybe that would be a good time to come out, if I do get ample financial aid? I haven't seen "Under One Roof" yet, but I'll add it to my summer movie list, thanks!
I can't really give any new or useful advice based on my own experiences as a (possibly; still not sure) queer Asian because I'm basically going through the same thing as you are, but I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel about the situation with your parents. My rather liberal Chinese parents, though they aren't religious and never have been, have expressed the sentiment that being gay is a choice, and my dad has gone even further and said that he disapproves of this "choice". I guess they're homophobic for all intents and purposes, though they'll never say that they are. Much like what happened with your mom, she discovered some LGBT magazines lying around in my apartment and has confronted me with "that question" on more than one occasion; I have always said no because I didn't want her to get upset. I think that having something to fall back on should your parents wish to cut their financial support upon your coming out is a really good idea. Research your options on funding your own education, and when you are sure you have (or will have) a solid financial situation, you can come out to them without the worry that they'll cut off a major source of financial support. As for the emotional fallout, no manner of preparation will prepare you for an unexpectedly bad (or good) reaction by any of the parties involved. Just know that you've got tons of people who can act as your moral and emotional support (including your sister). Here's hoping it goes well .
We all have a choice to a degree; I can choose to behave like a cowboy, dress like one and ride a horse while chewin' an'spittin' baccy, but it doesn't mean I am a cowboy. We can CHOOSE to pretend we're straight, but it doesn't mean we are straight. All of us who come out make a conscious choice: we choose not to pretend. That might be a choice our fathers wish we hadn't made, but that is as far as CHOICE plays a role in being gay - we didn't choose to be gay because that way we get a way-cooler life, and to hell if it upsets anyone! You just need to make sure you're in a safe place before you begin the Big Reveal - that you have a support network if you need a shoulder or a couch for a couple of days, that you are in a position to fend for yourself in things go badly, but I think most of us have an idea of how things will be received. It might not be the best news they've had all week, but a lot of parents cope with it very well. Others know before they open their mouth that they are risking their entire existence as they have known it so far. Sometimes "wait and see" is better than "suck it and see" if you're in any doubt at all.
Thanks for the helpful input, y'all. I'm going to continue this "wait and see" game for a bit longer. If I tell my mom and it doesn't go well, I'll try to get a third party (financial counselor/advisor) to help out, and if that fails, then I'll just have to take federal student loans. I do have a scholarship that covers half my tuition, and I now see why it's good that I chose a more affordable university over my top choice. Maybe I'll come out after my first year of university. I might live in an apartment instead of a dorm my 2nd year, so it'll be cheaper -- and I could work during the summer after my freshman year to get some extra money. Those are just a few ways to find money in case things go wrong.
Hi Michael... I have a similar background as you. Strict rules and zero tolerance. I am also Asian and happen to be the very last one passing on the family name so yes, I am the last male. What's even more intense is the "rarity" of my Chinese last name. Let's just say if there were 100 Chinese people, none of them would have my last name if I were to look through each one, that's just how rare it is. Anyways, I've been going through some rough times about this whole experience so I might not have any "good news" to hear or offer you :\ but after rewarding your coming out probability, I kind of want to beg you to not come out to your parents at the moment. If your parents are as "intense" as I may think, it might be a better idea if you were to tell your mom AFTER you've gained self independence and self financially stable with your own living, housing, and expenses. That way to your parents they will feel more "at peace" and a little bit "back off" after seeing your accomplishments they might lean more towards the side "he knows what he is talking about" and not give you the "you don't know anything, how could you be so sure" kind of attitude. Not sure if that made any sense... Cause if your parents seemed to be the traditional Asian type, then usually Asians use material things to act as a judgment of someone's accomplishments. So bacisally, if you can show them how "accomplished" you are first before letting them know, the heat may not be as intense. Well that's just my theory, it works with some of my friends' probelms and my probelms at times as well (other problematic things though, not the being a homosexual situation, that scenario hasn't happened yet so I can't share what the results might be). Hey, maybe if you find a better solution or you've discovered how the expectations might occur, feel free to let me know please maybe you can help me out with the problems on my hands too best wishes to you and hope everything goes well with you for school!
Thanks, Empty Mirror. The time I come out is tentative for now -- it's correct that coming out will be safer after graduation, but I'll be self-supported at least 5 years from now. Quit a while. I would say that my dad is the more traditional parent, compared to my mom. They both strongly dislike their hometowns and are extremely glad to be in the US now. I think if I come home with a good GPA before coming out, that'll make things easier. Mom or dad will be less likely to think that being gay will affect the other facets of myself as a person, if I can show them that I'm happy, healthy, and successful...hopefully
Hey everyone, It sounds a bit soon but I just came out to my mom yesterday on August 12th. It started when she and I were doing some birthday shopping for me. I kinda joked around and tried on this pair of pink shorts just for fun. When I came out (haha) of the dressing room, mom said "...it looks kinda gay...aren't you worried about that at school?" I said no, because clothing doesn't make you gay. And she asked me the question -- "Are you gay?" At first, I said no. But she kept on looking right at me and I caved in and said yes. Awkward silence, and there was the whole "I've always known". Now, a dressing room hallway at Abercrombie isn't the best environment to come out, so I asked mom if we could talk about this somewhere else. We sat down on a bench at the mall after paying for the clothes, and started the discussion for real. I told her that I'd always known, and my sister has known for 2 years and has been supportive. The third time I asked her "Mom, do you still love me?", she answered "I love you even more right now, actually, but I have sympathy for you." She is now sad that the family tree has "died" and says that I'm "in the hands of the devil." I drove us home, and she asked me some pretty awkward questions. There were lots of awkward silences as well. She kept on repeating that gays are evil, and keeps on suggesting that "maybe if I find a beautiful woman one day, I'll fall in love and will change my ways." She also said that I'm selfish for being gay. "Michael, if you really loved me, you would make a sacrifice for this family and marry a woman!" So I told her, "Mom, if you really loved me, you would care about my happiness and well being." She simply said "No" and shook her head like she did a million times before, earlier in the convo. The rest of the day, mom seemed somber and sad. She was quiet at dinner. We aren't going to tell my dad for a while. My mom even told me a few times, "If I could die right now, I would die." And she thinks if my dad finds out anytime soon, he'll commit suicide. Other than that, she's been talking to me like normal. I move out of here in 11 days. I think my time away from home at college will be beneficial for her -- she needs time to let this soak in. Thanks for all the advice, y'all. It helped me muster up the courage.
CONGRATULATIONS! It sounds like your mother took it very well. I know it sucks that she feels that way, but she still loves you and is trying to protect you. She'll come around. Thank you for sharing your story. It kind of makes me want to talk to my parents before I leave for school again.
Thanks, prism! Looking back at yesterday, I have no idea how I managed to muster up the courage to come out to her...I guess I kinda knew that pink shorts would trigger the whole "Are you gay?" thing. What's done is done, and I regret nothing because there isn't anything to regret. I did feel like crap yesterday, as soon as I got home from the mall. But that feeling wore off after I talked to a few of my closest friends and left mom alone in her room.
