Its 8AM right now. I haven't slept yet. My mother, whom I have not met for 3 years due to me studying abroad is going to come visit me today. Many things has changed in those years, and one of them is my realization of my true self, as a female, trapped in this body of a male. As much as I want to tell my mother of my situation, I feel so afraid at the same time. I afraid that she will think this is just another adolescent phase, or worse, I afraid that she will consider that I am having a mental problem, and will need to "cure" me. I afraid that I might sadden her, for she might think that she had born me "wrong", and I afraid that I am being selfish toward her, burden her with more worries. But I think she will believe me, I certainly hope so, as she is a very open-minded person and she has more or less know what is going on with me through phone calls. Still, I cannot get rid of this anxeity inside my heart. I have prepared for this day for the last few years, and for the whole last month, I have been planning and practicing all the ways that I can come out to her. Yet, I still fear that I will screw up somewhere, I fear that I might not able to convince her, I fear that I will unable to convey my feelings, my experiences of how trapped I feel right now in my life, how hopelessly I wish every night before I sleep to be a female, and how painful it is to wake up every morning in this physical prison of mine. I don't know if I can ever look into her eyes and tell her that I can nolonger be her son anymore, and ask her to accept me as her daughter. However, I have to try to be able to live truly with myself. Wish me luck, and I would also appreciate some advices to keep my head while I come out to her and not reduced to a crying mess...at least until I finish what I want to say.
I totally wish you luck! What a massive thing you are doing. It is wonderful, to give yourself the chance to connect honestly with the person who brought you into the world. It sounds like you are as prepared as you can be. You have to do your bit, but then it is up to your Mum. Remember you are not responsible for her reaction- that is up to her. You sound so sure of your identity, I'm sure that will come across. What a nervous time for you waiting though. The anticipation must be overwhelming. So as much as you can, relax and pray that you will be released from your current state of anxiety and fear in a few hours time! If you are not comfortable praying then just hope for that. Really wishing you the best, Rose Deep breaths and trust that all will work out in the way you wish.
Thankyou all for your support. I guess I was right about joining up and posting here. Letting my anxiety out and have someone supporting me in this time helps so much. I think I should take a quick nap...being sleepy + anxious might just make me mess everything up. Hope I don't cry again. I cry too much sometimes.
Welcome to EC. Keep your head high and be confident. You are who you are. I hope your mom will be understanding and loving. It may take her some time to come to terms with your news....so just be patient with her and give her the time that she deserves to process this. Let us know how it goes.......Hugs!
Indeed as Rose said you sound so sure of who you are so don't let it discourage you if things end up badly. It will probably be a shock to your mum and her reaction may not be great but she will need time to adjust to the situation. Much like you needed the time to understand and accept yourself. I wish you good luck!
Don't know if you have talked to her yet, but my advice is to go slow. "I'm a female trapped in a male's body" might be too much for a first admission to your mother. "I'm gay" is a lot for her to hear, but it gives you more runway to work up to the bigger story of your life. Go slow. Coming out vs.a gender crisis? I'd say stick to coming out for now.
You really think so? I don't really want to lie to her again. I have been lying to her and to myself for so many years about my true feelings. I think this should be the time I be honest.
It's a lot to hand someone all at once, but then again, if you don't see her all that often, and you want to be open with her, you might as well tell her the whole truth. I can pretty much guarantee it will be a shock. For even the most liberal of parents, accepting that your kid is gay is enough of a challenge. But the notion of transgenderism is pretty new to people of your parents' generation and going to require some getting used to. I'd expect some denial/hostility/rejection, and I'd also expect it may last a few days at a minimum. But if your mom is intelligent and thoughtful, I'm sure she'll do her research and realize you're not mentally ill or screwed up or whatever. Also, if you feel comfortable doing so, feel free to refer her here.
Well, she is here, just talking with my aunt for a while. My mind is basically blank right now. All the speeches I have rehearsed the last month is gone. Gosh. I don't even know why I am posting, but I think it calms me down. Lets hope I can say something coherent rather than just blurting out "Transexual" and "I"....*hides face in pillow*
How are you doing RainDreamer? Be assured that people here will be there to support if and when you need it ))
She accepted me! She still wanted me to be really, really sure about it, and asked me many times about how I really am, but finally she said "If that is how you are born, then I will accept you, because you are my child". *happy* She admit that this is too much for her to understand, but she will try to help me however she can to relieve my pain. However, she wants me to wait untill I am really mature (she says 30 years old, but I think I will try to find a compromise) to allow me to change my body, for fear that I might be to reckless right now to make this life changing-decision. I don't mind that, since now I have a chance to remake my life as last! Thank you everyone for your support. Love you all.
That sounds to have gone better than you could of really hoped for.Your mum sounds as though she will be a great help once she has had the time to fuuly digest all that she has learned about you in just a few minutes.Well done.
