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Is denial part of the process???...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Audrey, Aug 8, 2012.

  1. Audrey

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    I find myself sitting here thinking about stuff and it just pops in my head..."Maybe I'm not Bi?" "Maybe I'm just going crazy?" I know its not true but, I keep thinking it...

    I think it may have to do with the church I went to for 10 years...
    They taught me that being gay/bi/lesbian was an abomination and disgusting..
    For a long time I believed that (maybe that's why I was/am so hard on myself)
    But, I began to question everything I believed....and after a lot of digging and questioning I realized..
    Love is Love
    I know that now.


    But, I still doubt my own self..I guess its going to take some time for me to accept it. I know I am Bi but all those old memories of that church come to haunt me and I feel like crap for it..

    I just wish I didn't feel so bad about admitting the truth...I know there is no shame in it but I feel scared and worried and anxious...and above all confused.

    Am I suppose to feel like this? Is this normal??
     
  2. Lance

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    Yes, denial is definitely part of the process, especially for those of us that grew up with a religious background. I struggled for a long time telling myself it was a phase and that I'd grow out of it. I tried telling myself that what I really wanted out of life was to just have a wife and kids like everyone else. It wasn't until I was about 20 that I fully accepted myself and came out to my parents. Now at 24, all those years I spent in denial seem so silly. I love myself and wouldn't ever want to be straight. I'm excited and look forward to finding a guy to spend the rest of my life with.

    Also you have to realize that what you were taught in church regarding God and homosexuality is completely wrong. God loves everyone, regardless. It's his human followers that misconstrue his words and promote hateful intolerance. You're perfectly fine how you are and exactly what you were intended to be.
     
  3. Menaki-Neko

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    I agree with CarbonX21, denial is part of the process in which most people go through while discovering their sexual orientation.

    It takes time, and feeling like this for a while is completely normal.
     
  4. RainDreamer

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    Denial is part of the process, because our society taught us that anyone being anything else than "normal" will be shunned. We reflexively try to push away our true feeling for the sake of conformity.
    I am 19 now, and for 15 years of my life, I was in denial of my identity. I tried to ignore my wishes to be a girl, I tried to lock down my innerself, I try not to be happy when people comment on how much I look like a girl, and I try to keep my jealousy away when I see other girls being able to live their life as girls. All of that because I thought that I was not "normal" - some times I even punish myself for thinking that way. It wasn't until reccently that I finally accept myself as who I am.

    Denial is part of the process, a painful one, and will wear you down. But it will get better once you can accept who you are. Love yourself and love the way you are.
     
  5. speedboy3

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    Its totally normal. We're raised in a society that says that anything thats not reheterosexual is wrong, Espescialy if you were raised with a religious background, and your mind is trying to fit those standards by denying anything that's not "normal". I was in denial for as long as I can remember, and it was extremely confusing, and stressful, but once I accepted myself it went away. Just remember that who you are is who you are, and that's not something to be ashamed of.
     
  6. Audrey

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    I was shunned from that church...
    Some one told the leader of the church that I was a lesbian and it went from there..
    I wasn't upset about that at all...
    It was the fact that they looked at me like I was a monster from that point on..the preacher's wife even forcefully removed her grand-daughter from her own house because I was there...( I was staying the night with my friend and her grand-mother bursts in, literally, tells her to get up and go with her and calls her mom tells her to come back and take me home immediately)

    It hurts to know that the people I trusted and loved thinks Im a monster....

    I guess that is one of the biggest reasons Im in denial...
     
  7. RainDreamer

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    I am sorry to hear that. It might sounds tempting to deny yourself for the sake of other, so that you can be with them, and so that you don't feel selfish anymore. But, look, you would just be lying to them and to yourself doing that. Because the person they accept is not you. It is just a mask you would be wearing to blend in with them.

    Here you have two choices:
    1) You can live a lie, and try to fit in.
    2) You live as yourself, and hope that with time, they will accept you as who you truly are.

    Another thing: Don't let other define you with your sexual orientation/identity. You are not just a bisexual girl. You are you, with all your wonderous personality, your skill, your experience. The problem with some people looking at us is that when they know we are not heterosexual is that they instantly tag us with a label and ignore the rest of us. Tell them that you are still you, let them know that you are a human being, and remind them of memory that they have with you. Have them compare you now to yourself in the past. Is there any difference except that you now realize you can love more than the opposite gender?

    Best of luck with everything.
     
  8. Audrey

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    Thank You so much for that. Its nice to have someone who can understand what Im going through. At this point in time this is literally the only place I can speak freely about myself and not feel judged. It is very tempting to just live a lie but I know that it would eat away at me inside forever. I have a lot to go through but Im looking forward to the day can be proud of myself for who I am :slight_smile: I am really thankful that this side exist and that there are kind, beautiful, accepting people like you on here! Im sorry my emotions are like a freaking roller coaster sometimes
     
  9. BradThePug

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    Hey Audrey!!

    Denial is totally normal.. It's the byproduct of society teaching us that LGBT people are not "normal".

    I can relate a lot to your situation. I was the youth leader at my (now former) church. To make a long story short, I've recently started to tell the people from that church about my sexuality. I've been called many things since I started that process.. some have even gone as far as calling me "demon possessed". It's rough.. all of these people that you were friends with suddenly thing that you are tainted because you are not straight.

    Like RainDreamer said you cannot let people define your sexuality. Only you can know what your sexuality truly is. The people at your church cannot say that you are not straight because "God does not approve of it". I'm pretty sure that if God did not want LGBT people then he would not have made us. :slight_smile:
     
  10. RueBea85

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    Denial is definitely a part of the process of coming out. I am still in that stage, I go through days of thinking I'm making this all up for attention or I'm crazy or that I just don't know what I want, or that I'm bisexual, or that I just haven't met the right guy. But then other days, I'm completely (well not completely) fine with it. I think being on here has helped a lot because other people on here have the same worries and the same stresses as me.

    I don't know what it feels like to be completely happy about it but I'm sure we'll both get there with time!

    Some things I try to tell myself are that my own happiness and life, is my own and nobody elses.
     
  11. Lewnatic

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    Denial is probably one of, if not the biggest stage of the coming out process. Most of the people who get stuck in denial usually have had homophobia present in their life--usually at a young age. Like you've been socially brainwashed to not accept it. Denial is a difficult stage, but once you get through it, it becomes a little easier.
     
  12. Bobbgooduk

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    Hello!

    I just want to reiterate what the others have said. Once you have accepted YOURSELF, the process has begum and the next steps are still difficult but easier.

    I was excommunicated from my Greek Orthodox parish because of my sexuality. I was still "allowed" to attend services but not receive communion, despite the fact that I was the Parish Treasurer AND I baked the communion bread!

    I chose to leave rather than be considered unworthy - there's nothing more damaging to your psyche than being the focus of condemnation like that.

    In the meantime, I am at peace with myself and my Maker, although I still get pissed off with Him AND Christians who think they know God's will better.

    You are definitely in the right place here, Audrey!:smilewave