I'm a [gay] guy myself, and when I say I feel uncomfortable around other guys, I mean all guys of every shape, size and orientation. Those who I feel comfortable around are ones I have built a strong friendship with them over time. Being gay, I naturally don't have many male friends. I began high school with quite a few, but as I began to learn more about myself - my likes and dislikes - I found myself relating to girls and enjoying their company. Originally, this just meant I had many girlfriends, as I did fancy them all, but now that I'm 19 and know what sexuality means and who I am sexually attracted to, this is no longer the case. Women have become a comfortable setting for me. If I'm sat having a nice, quiet drink with a few of my "girlfriends", I feel secure, comfortable--like I'm at home, but yet I long to have male friends. Our entire group frequently visits a student bar/pub (our group is a big mix of boys and girls, but we all have our close cliques within it), and the boys tend to hover around the pool table playing, obviously, pool, whilst the girls sit and stand around having a drink and chat/gossip. However, if none of the girls hesitate about mingling with the guys and they fit right in when they do so. Not me, I feel uncomfortable around them. I feel a pressure to act more straight, even though they all know I'm gay and are completely fine with it: they talk to me as their friend, they give me joke-ish hugs and are always run up to greet me when we're all together, but something always feels off to me and I know it's completely to do with me. Just now, about 20 minutes ago, I was running an errand for my sister and on the way back I saw another guy I sort-of know walking towards me. Being that we know each other, we let on and began talking and walking in the same direction as our houses are in the same area. He was alone kicking a football around and I'm fairly sure he wanted someone to hang about with (he's a little younger than me, and a foster child so doesn't have many friends anyway, unfortunately) by the way he was talking to me. Even though I had already agreed to go out with a female friend of mine to lie on a park or something (it's sunny in old England for once!), I was hesitant to go out with him and almost relieved that I couldn't anyway, however...I still desperately wanted to be able to just be "one of the guys" and go kick a football around him in a field or something, and I hate football - was always awful at it in P.E. Just to fit in with him was what I wanted. I so want more male friends, but due to me feeling so uncomfortable around them it just never happens... What should I do? What's wrong with me? Is it to do with my sexuality? I feel uncomfortable around gay men also, I almost cringe when I'm near them...
I could be you're "holding back" because you don't want guys to think badly of you. You're gay, everyone knows it, but it doesn't mean that you're not afraid that people will compare you in a negative light. I'm gay too, but even if I were straight, I'd feel awkward about playing football or even talking about football. The same with cars - I drive one but I haven't got the first clue about cars. You feel awkward because "men" are going to think you're a dork or something because you can't relate. I tend to find that TV programmes and stuff like that serve as a good middle-ground, especially if it's something new, or something popular. I certainly don't think you're unusual. Just as an aside - can you not befriend the lonely guy? Nothing romantic intended, of course, but it might do you both good - him because he's a bit lonely and you because it would give you an accepting friend to chat to. I shrivel with shame now that as a 13-year-old I rejected the friendship of someone who was lonely. He'd done nothing to me and called and called for me to hang out, but I just couldn't. Even my sister told me I was being a turd, but I just couldn't "be friends" - maybe I was scared of getting close and revealing my sexuality, I don't know. I was vaguely attracted to him - he was good-looking and mild-mannered but I just bolted. I'm not projecting onto you - but it made me feel bad for years after.:rolle:
First, there's nothing necessarily wrong with you. It could just be that you like hanging out with girls more. No problems there. That said, I can't tell you why you're doing what you're doing, since I'm not you. I can tell you though that I experience the same thing to a degree and why I think I'm doing what I'm doing. For me, I've got probably... 4/5 guy friends that I would consider close, yet my "close" guy friends are still nowhere as close as my girl friends. All of them know I'm gay, all of them are totally fine with it, and all of them are straight (except one who I'm unsure of, but that's a different story). Even growing up, back in elementary and high school, I hung out with girls slightly more than guys, just because I identified with them more I guess. I wasn't and am not feminine, nor am I really masculine, but I guess they were just doing things that I wanted to do. As I started realizing I liked guys, I think I more subconsciously avoided them because I was afraid of having something awkward happen around them and being "outed", since high school's such a vicious place. So even now that I'm out and everyone's comfortable with it, part of me still isn't. I know I have that learned behaviour to be awkward around guys. I think for me, I can hang out with guys... but in groups. Any time it becomes a 1 on 1 with even a close guy friend, I can muster my way through it and they're fine with it, but I can feel it being awkward inside me (or at least I'm actively fighting to make things not feel awkward). I think for me, since I knew I wanted to date guys, any time a 1 on 1 with a guy would come up well... that's the closest thing to a date that would ever come up while I was closeted, and therefore had the biggest risk of outing myself. Another small part too, I think, is that since I haven't dated yet, I'm actively trying to preemptively make sure I'm not sexualizing my friends inside my head. Not that I would ever do anything with them, but again, to avoid outwardly making things awkward. And then by stressing myself out in all these different ways, I'm too busy worrying to let me actually just enjoy hanging out with them. All that said, I think I hang out better in groups than 1 on 1, and better with girls than with guys. So a 1 on 1 with a guy is really, really awkward. Which is a shame really, because I know there's nothing wrong with it and I know they're totally fine with me, but I'm still making it awkward. I think it's just something I've gotta un-learn. Anyways, that's just speculation though.
See, im such a shit gay, i'm much more comfortable hanging out with guys and going for a drink or whatever. Groups of girls just seem too excitable for me, too much energy. At the same time, when the inevitable conversation with the guys turns to hot girls, thats when i get uncomfortable. Thinking back though, when i was younger, i was the one more likely to be with the girls of the group. People just thought i'd rather flirt with the girls than play football with the guys, i had several friends turn to me and say "i wish i had your confidence with women" or "why dont you make a move on so and so, they clearly fancy you". Sigh, if only they knew.
I know exactly how you feel! I don't think this is a rare thing for gay guys to experience. Sometimes I feel like I have almost nothing in common with most guys. In some ways, I feel like I personally relate better to girls because inside I feel pretty feminine or at least I think more from a female perspective. Even if guys knew I was gay and were okay with it, I know I'd still feel awkward because I just don't see myself as being "one of the guys." Maybe you feel similarly. Sometimes the best thing to do is put yourself out there and be uncomfortable. I have pushed myself in the past to spend more time with the guys and although I have never felt 100 percent comfortable, it gets easier. I suggest you do the same. Be yourself, and put yourself out there and expand your comfort zone. Like they say, it gets better!
Im a girl and I feel the same way about other girls. Im so much more comfortable around groups of guys, and I wish so badly for female friends, but Im a huge tomboy. I get really awkward around other girls too. And it doesn't help when the "hot girls" (the ones who care about their looks a lot) look down on me for not dressing better and wearing loads of makeup and styling the shit out of my hair. (Im really poor and super active all the time, so I basically can't be bothered with that crap).
