Most members of my family are quite religious and are incredibly intolerant of homosexuality. This has made it difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I originally tried to convince myself that this was temporary, that I was bisexual, and that I could date only women and hide/suppress my attraction to men. This worked rather well until I started becoming intimate with women and experienced performance issues (not the most comfortable of situations). I was almost entirely sure I was gay prior to these unfortunate events, but these experiences forced me to acknowledge and accept the reality of my situation. I haven't any intentions of coming out to my family until I am financially independent and out of the house because I am not entirely sure how they will react. I would love to get some input from those of you who have already come out to religious parents. What kinds of reactions should I expect and what do you feel would be the best way to broach the subject?
Coming from a religious family who is very anti-gay is a hard thing to do. You should go about it carefully and not do what I did...just blurt it out while your mom is driving XD. Oh man if silence could kill.... But in all seriousness typical reactions are "Well, we'll pray for God to heal you of your illness." (annoying as hell) "Are you sure? I think this is just a phase..." taking you to a counselor is another one they like to pull...and not just any counselor...a RELIGIOUS counselor (oh burn me at the stake now). Another thing, if they are a close knit family, don't be surprised for them to tell other members of your family so they can "pray for you" too. As for approaching the subject, be firm, but don't be so firm as to not listen to them. They will probably try to talk you out of it somehow (god knows how they think they can do that), but just make it a point to say that you've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and that after years of putting it to thought you have come to the realization that you are, indeed, attracted to the same sex. If they start throwing bible verses at you, try throwing a few back. Here's a friend of mine's essay on Side A gay and being christian. Homosexuality and Christianity: Does God bless same-sex marriage? he makes a lot of good points and the site has also been a big help for my parents when they were first coming to terms with me being gay. Maybe you could try showing it to them? (*hug*) I hope this helps some, and that when you do come out it goes ok! You can do it!
(*hug*)gah. i think i know exactly where you're coming from PolychromeArch. my family too, was, and still is intolerant of homosexuals. growing up in deep southern baptist roots w/ christian zionism, not to mention some eschatology more recently mixed in reinforces this belief among my bioparents, and step-parents, and siblings. so when you're in an environment that sees LGBT people as a lesser form of subhumans, you tend to start doing some pretty serious, but private self loathing. i'll try to see if i can relate: when i was in 6th grade is when i started noting my attraction to guys more than girls. they had cute face, matched w/ cool looking styled hair, & generally nice people. i was going to a private non denomination christian school at the time. the older guys in higher grades that played baseball & soccer had pretty finely toned athletic builds. insane bods that looked like they were crafted by Michelangelo himself. :lol: that's when i became more self curious. but having sex repression/shame, & straight standards taught made it seem undesirable education & church changes to baptist christian school. stricter rule set & ideology becomes part of daily life. i heard alot of fear being tossed about in the name of righteousness, and eternally roasting for not rolling w/ da J gang seemed like an unwanted fate. as far as my high school sex orientation advancement goes, i found that boys were ocular magnets. hardly ever noticed the girls attires on Wednesday night services. after some self reflection of what i was being taught to believe, even i made a few anti gay comments at the time. and, if i'm honest,..... secretly trying to pray my orientation away never seemed to help any. if anything it made the feeling of knowing you cant do anything about it even far worse. .:icon_redf i never had a girlfriend, or openly shown any kind of interest in someone. it seemed like lots more trouble than it's worth. because of it, i got questioned a few times about my sexuality by my parents. still do some days (not counting religion questions). each time, same answer, no. (end story) that's a short version. it took a few years actually for me to accept myself, in spite of the self loathing process. i don't intend to come out to anyone i currently know due to the expected reactions mentioned by GreenRaven. word gets around fast in my very large family personally, i plan on not telling anyone & just getting as far away as possible from my old life when i'm on my own. but GreenRaven sounds solid. sorry you had to do through that, and at the end where it says 'hope it helps', must say it does help me at least. so thanks GreenRaven.
Glad to hear it helped Illusive! I grew up in an extreme conservative christian family where my uncle started our church we used to go to and is actually now semi-famous. Traveling around the world and speaking places and writing books and all that shit. Chances are if you've delved into the world of Post-Modern Christianity, you've heard of him. Ha. Growing up I was forced to go to church until I was 18. Before then it was you go unless you're sick or you're grounded. They've come a long way though, with a lot of help from GCN. My mom actually takes me to their conferences every year she can and really enjoys talking to the other parents who come, whether it be helping them come to terms or just chit chatting about their paths they came down. Funny story is, my uncle actually apparently knew I was gay before I did, and said so to my aunt XD. Two of his kids are gay too, and they came out before me so I guess he kinda knew what to look for haha. He was surprisingly the most accepting when I first came out. Sometimes life can throw you curve balls eh? But yeah, I hope some of that information will be of use to you, Poly (or anyone else facing this situation), and if you have any other questions just ask. I can't pm anyone yet but I will respond here if you need!
My family is very religious and homophobic too so I don't have the guts to come out to them either. I was thinking about doing it recently but I completely chickened out and I'm probably gonna wait a couple of years until I'm financially independent also. I feel your pain buddy :/ Here's hoping for the best!
Making sure you are financially independent is a good idea. I have come out as gay to my parents but not as trans. I'm not going to go on a sob story about the specific things they said, but it sure is enough that I don't plan on letting them find out about me planning to transition until I'm done with college and no longer in need of their help with it. Best of luck. Here's hoping they are more open minded than my folks.
I too have an incredibly religious, intolerant family. I second everyone's suggestion that you wait until some kind of financial independence before coming out. Although, sometimes the internal pressure can build up so much you feel like you can't contain it any longer. That's when EC is here for you!
I do not plan on coming out until I move out. I have heard stories of gays in religious families being disowned, though I don't think my immediate family is so pious as to take such measures. I have a pretty good idea of what will be said about me once I do come out; because everyone in my family thinks I am straight, they tend not to filter their opinions on gays, which range from "the Bible says gay marriage is wrong" to "gays should all be sent to an island and bombed." I suppose I was hoping to hear stories of gays in religious families being surprised by how accepting their family members were, but perhaps such acceptance is only wishful thinking. I appreciate the responses.
Its not wishful thinking at all. Yes, you might have more trouble than someone who doesn't have very religious parents, but the fact is that most parents will come around in time. Some take months, some take weeks and some might take years, but most will always come around. My parents are not ultra religious, but they were very homophobic about everything. Some examples were my uncle saying that he was glad DADT go repealed so we can kill the fags faster, my dad not allowing me to join the Boy Scouts because they would turn me gay (oh, the irony), my grandpa boasting how proud he was that his family was clean of such filth, etc. I'm not out to my extended family just yet, but so far i have had a really good response from my family. The first 6-7 months were hell on earth with my mom crying every night and throwing bible verses at me, but after some time, and help from a therapist, my parents started to get that it wasn't this horrible disease that they had in mind. Now, two years later, they are completely supportive and are totally in love with my boyfriend. So yes, its totally possible I think when it comes to this type of situation, its best to start creating a support group outside of your family. Do you know if your uni or your city has any LGBT support groups that you could attend? Or maybe coming out to some close friends? Either way, don't lose hope just yet Also, there is this amazing documentary that touches on gay christians and how it works together. What I love about it is that it also follows 4 VERY religoius families and it documentas what they went through when their kids came out of the closet. Its very powerful and it might give you an idea on what you can expect. For the Bible Tells Me So: [YOUTUBE]ajBR0dq0XXk[/YOUTUBE]
Well after hearing some of the radical and disgusting things said about gays from my family and friends, that your family changed brings me hope. I don't know of any local organizations which would support the LGBT community, but I'm sure there is some such organization at my university. Ironically, most of my close friends are quite homophobic, so I wouldn't have much support from them. The video looks interesting. I am not a Christian, but everyone else in my family is, so that is the primary argument I will have to counter, for which I am fully prepared (being a Biology major has its perks when debating genetics).
Considering watching/saving this video as a resource. It's very, very good. It may be something you'll want to show to your parents in the future. The Gay Debate: The Bible and Homosexuality - YouTube
Well, I knew i was gay since before kindergarten. I didn't have a name for it, but i definitely recognized a difference between myself and other males at an early point. My parents are also, very conservatively religous. I grew up hearing comments alikened to "Gay people are an abomination to God","...Should all be killed.", all of the standard "Burn in Hell" bullshit. All of this deeply disillusioned me towards religion and the idea's of other people(which i believe to have greatly helped shape my Self and attitudes) So, i did come out to my parents. In a fairly surprising way. I was awakened by "the big question" after failing to delete some history. I decided that letting the cat out at that point would probably be the most ironic/entertaining opportunity to tell them i would get.(There was allready tension between us beforehand and i knew it would piss 'em off real good)To the news of my abominable faggotry my dad stormed off through the house throwing multiple objects, yelling, then proceeded outside to fire multiple shots from a handgun into the ground(his way of stress-relief, but frightened me at the time none-the-less since it was a novel reaction I'd not seen) As well, Had a bible thrown at me, and a hailstorm of name-calling and spiteful comments from my mom. Bottom Line, Waiting until I moved out would have probably been smarter, since the "you need to try to help yourself comments" and my mom being a smartass bitch with her oh-so-clever comments has become part of my daily routine. I tend to avoid my home at all costs.
