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Your thoughts needed!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by solost44, Aug 9, 2012.

  1. solost44

    solost44 Guest

    The last couple of years of marriage have not been the best. There has been a distance has grown between my wife and I where it feels like no happiness exists between the two of us. Complicating that with the self-realization that I am gay (closeted) only adds to the dilemma and stress on my end.

    As it is, I already see my marriage heading down the tubes like a bat out of hell. Do you think it is best to deal with the impending implosion of the marriage without coming out to my wife and complicating the situation further? I have 2 kids to think about who will be affected by whatever decision I make and I don't want to cause them any more hurt than what they may experience anyway. Realistically my orientation will come out eventually but perhaps it is best to address one situation first.

    Sorry for rambling on, I'm just stressed. Your thoughts or opinions are appreciated. :help:
     
  2. Drakey

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    I feel like your orientation should come up at this point. It's best, even when ending a relationship, to be completely open and honest to your partner, but not harsh. If you keep your orientation a secret even after a hypothetical divorce, then what would your wife think then? I feel like this is something that should be on the table here and now before you make any decisions about your future.
     
  3. Gravity

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    Especially if you have kids - and will thus need to be in some sort of communication with your wife for years after the divorce, probably for the rest of your life - this couldn't be more true.

    How old are your two kids at this point?

    It is good to deal with the situation item by item - but this seems like a pretty important aspect of the situation. Many people on EC have come out to their spouses and hopefully you can get a more detailed idea of that process from them, but in the meantime I would start to consider discussing this with her (and possibly with a counselor if that's an option available to you).

    I'm sorry to hear about the trouble in your marriage though. I hope something starts to relax soon, whatever that may mean. (*hug*)
     
  4. solost44

    solost44 Guest

    I appreciate the input from both of you.
    To answer your question Gravity, my kids are 12+ and 16 which means they are already dealing with a lot with hormones, peer pressure and growing up in a world far more complicated than I did at that age.

    I know that I will have to decide how to proceed at some point within the near future as the situation is not healthy for neither my wife nor myself. Again I appreciate the input.
     
  5. Bobbgooduk

    Bobbgooduk Guest

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    Is your marriage ending because it has gone down the tubes, or is it ending because you realize you're gay?

    You say things have not been good for a while, so maybe it had run its course anyway.

    We promise it will be for life and we don't mean to lie, but there are no guarantees in life for anything.

    Your younger child particularly has 6 more years to run.

    If you come out before a divorce settlement is reached, your honesty could end up 'costing' you in court, maybe even your wife might take advantage of it to hit you where it hurts and have your access to your children restricted. People do the most wildly unexpected things when they're hurt and angry.

    My advice would be to treat them as separate issues. If you see no prespect of things improving in your marriage, get a divorce.

    Then, when there is a need for honesty (meet someone) address that as an issue apart.

    Above all, don't take all the guilt on yourself. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to make a failed one.

    Maybe your growing awareness of your sexuality has hastened its end, but something was going wrong before that, and it wasn't just YOUR fault.

    I had no children to think of when I divorced so my situation is different, but having been through the process and seeing "reasonable behaviour" go out of the window, I'd advise keeping some of your cards close to your chest and revealing them on a "need to know" basis AFTER the divorce.

    Don't delay too long - it's not fair to her either to be in a failing marriage. It's not likely to stay as it is - it can only get harder. (*hug*)
     
  6. PurpleCrab

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    Bobbgooduk has it bulls-eyes I think.

    All I got to add is, if you have a good communication with your wife and a good sense of respect is still there between you two, you should consider whether you being gay has affected the outcome of your marriage of not, and if it did, you should definitively tell her. I mean maybe she thinks she's not desirable and that would make anybody bitter and angry; if she knows you're gay she may feel relieved on that point.

    On the other hand, if the communication door has long been shut, no point to break it open. Like others said before me it may just make things worse.
     
  7. Chrissouth53

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    If your sexuality is a main problem withing the marriage, it probably should come out now. But if there are a ton of other problems, why not put it off.

    The proviso on this is the divorce laws in your state/country. If it is a fault state, I'd keep your sexuality secret. But if it is no-fault, and sexuality is the main reason for the failed marriage, doesn't matter.

    Proviso #2 is your wife's mental status. I hesitate splitting with my wife because of the sh!tstorm that will occur when I do. I'm biding my time, planning and getting ready so when that day happens, I can eject pretty quickly.
     
  8. PianoNate

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    I think Bobbgooduk's points are not only valid but extremely well-thought out. That man has his head screwed on straight. (er ... well, **removing foot from mouth**)

    I just recently came out to my wife a few months ago. Although our experiences are different, mainly because there weren't too many problems between her and I, I understand a lot of your emotions about it. I have 4 kids to worry about too. That really changes the whole situation, doesn't it?

    In any case, I'm happy to offer a shoulder or an ear whenever you need one. (*hug*)
     
  9. NomadicDave

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    Greetings SoLost

    You are getting good advice from the guys and go with the one(s) that feel genuine. I just came out a 6 weeks ago to my wife of 14 years and if that wasn't enough of a blow we had additional dimensions of selling a home, moving, her Dad passing away and my decision to live in Thailand. I loaded up on so many issues and hindsight being 20/20 I would opt for one issue at a time. If you opt for coming out first then divorce will come up in your conversations as a natural consequence.

    Give yourself permission to make a mistake, as none of these issues are simple or easy. Keep posting, reading and EC will be a tremendous forum in order to put a clearer voice to your particular situation. Don't self-impose deadlines upon yourself until that quiet inner-voice confirms your next moves.

    Hang in there-it will get better.